La douleur exquise

I love you,
I love you,
I love you.
          -love me

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.  -Thomas Merton

We loved with a love that was more than love -Edgar Allen Poe

Love is a force more formidable than any other. it is invisible - it cannot be seen or measured, yet it is powerful enough to transform you in a moment, and offer you more joy than any material possession could. - Barbara de Angelis

A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous - Ingrid Bergman

Love is being stupid together. - Paul Valery

Love is friendship given wings. - me

Life Moves On

Just a collection of thoughts that I've had.

Life moves on, it really does. When you think nothing will happen, nothing will ever change, suddenly it does. People move, get married, break up, move on, and fall in love. Something wonderful happened to me this weekend that I haven't felt for a long long time. I don't want to give too much away, but suffice it to tell that my heart is not as dead as I once thought it was.
This isn't the story, but it's important. I saw a photo of my ex on facebook. You know, THE ONE. The one that broke my heart, messed me up, and almost destroyed my life. Yep, I went looking for it. Despite everything, I was in love with him once. Now that my heart seems to be alive, letting someone else in, I finally felt safe enough to go looking, make sure the ex wasn't dead and all that. So, he seems to be fine. Happy, with friends. Drinking, (duh, he loved that and never felt comfortable doing it around me), but happy. A little wistful maybe from recent posts, but moving on. Good, he's got a lot of healing to do. He tried so hard to make me into something I wasn't that it almost broke me. Maybe it did. But I didn't come here to talk about that, I came to talk about something else.

Do you believe in love at first sight? I didn't. I tell myself it's impossible, love at first sight isn't really love, it's lust, want, need, painting yourself onto the other person and pretending. But that's not what I feel. This is deep, like an awakening in my chest, but deeper, within my soul. I want to be better, do great things. I want to love, to be there. I want to be held, to hold, to give. I want to be two, but one.

I'm so scared, what if this is something that I'm kidding myself about. What if when he was talking about that 'other girl' that couldn't get the hint, he was talking about me? Am I still pretty? Can I still attract a guy? I don't know if I trust myself not to destroy someone, but I have so much love to give. I want more than anything to be loved and to love,
 "I'd do anything, just to hold you in my arms.
To try and make you laugh, 'cause somehow I can't put you in the past."
And for once, my dreams aren't filled with darkness and reaching, they're filled with longing, songs, and hope.
"Just a kiss can make my heart ache,
just a kiss can make me fall.
Just a kiss can make my whole world shake,
 and your kiss did it all.
I don't pretend to know love's mysteries, but baby I know this.
When you touched your lips to mine, it was more than just a kiss."
I'm in love, and it scares me. What if he doesn't love me back? What if he's looking for something else?

If you stay with 'what if's' forever, you'll have a lot of 'never found out'. So I'm going to try. If he has to let me down hard so be it, I can heal. Better to heal and become stronger then never find out. I know, so I'll try this out. Love at first sight, I never thought it happened, but it does, and it did.
"I can't help it if you look like an angel.
Can't help it if I want to kiss you in the rain so,
come feel this magic I been feeling since I met you.
 Can't help it if there's no one else. I can't help myself."

BOOOOKKKKKSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!

Random photo that I took of some signs in Florida,
the greenness makes me happy!

So, I’m writing a book! I think I like to start a lot of sentences with so….. Anyway! The working title is called Dreamscapes, and it’s going to be awesome. I’m having a little trouble fleshing out background characters though. All I really seem to want to do is focus on the main characters and their issues, but without side characters you can’t really have fully fleshed main characters, and anyway. My goal is to be mostly done by March 25^th. HA! It’s a lot of work, and I seem to be excellent at procrastinating. I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up, and I think that plays into it a lot. Blah.

SO! If you have any ideas what my characters names should be, let me know! First one to respond gets a sneak peak at my Chapter 1! It’s not actually chapter one, it’s pre-chapter one, but it’ll make you happy. Lol, no one’s going to read this, it’s just echoes in my mind. Hello…… ello…. ello… o…..o…o……. Yep, that’s about it. ANYWAY! Peace all, bu-bye!

First Week Down, 4 More to Go

Me as a zombie Thursday night, beautiful aren't I!!

Well, made it through the first week! Actually, almost, just one more shift tonight. I'm not worried about it though because I called Jimmy (my cast director) and asked him to put me as something easy tonight, as I've developed a severe cough, thanks to the over-exertion, little sleep, and the shredding of my throat throughout the week. I slept 8 hours last night and my body had almost forgotten how good that felt! I woke up at 2:22am, about 4 hours after I fell asleep in a panic, then relaxed and was able to fall back asleep. I realized that is what my body is used to receiving, which is why I woke up. I'm looking forward to 8+ hours of sleep every night for the next 3 days though and I know that'll help me recover. The end of this week may be difficult, but I'll manage. (I work at Wayfair through Monday, no weekend break for me there. If I can get enough sleep I'll swing the momentum through next weekend, so I'll survive. Hanging in there, it's fun, I've made a lot of friends, but I've gotten sick and am still recovering from being so exhausted. I'll keep this updated!

Don't Know if I'm Gonna Make It

One thing they didn't tell me when auditioning to work at the haunted house, how sheerly exhausting it is. It's late hours, on top of a second job. I'll get 5-6 hours of sleep a night (unless it's a weekend and then I get 4), luckily I will have time for a nap in the afternoon but still. My days in October will run something like this... up at 6am, out the door by 6:30 to be at work before 7. Get off work at 1, home by 1:30. Time to do whatever I've got to do like shove food at my face and do laundry and run errands and sleep, out the door by 5:20ish (usually 5:23) to pick up my passenger (she keeps me awake on the drive back and also works there). If it's a weeknight, I get in makeup, run around like crazy for 3 hours and then un-makeup myself and get home by 11:30. If it's a week end night, I run around like crazy for 5 hours after makeup and make it home by 1:30. Rinse and repeat.

One thing though, don't think I'd be able to do this if I was in school. Think about it, basically the same hours as what I outlined above, then worry about homework and extra-curricular activities if you're in them. All I have to do is put my body in certain places at certain times (of course, gotta be clean and supposedly dressed too)

So back to the physical exhaustion, it takes me 2-3 days to completely recover from one 5 hour weeknight, at least it did the first weekend. The second weekend I did two days in a row and I bounced back in 2 days so I was okay. This weekend I had two days in a row and I'm still recovering, here it is about 48 hours before I've got to head back. I've tried to nap but every time I fall asleep my heart starts racing and I wake up so I've given up. Gotta leave in an hour so I decided to do something a little less strenuous than sleeping (apparently). Not sure why the panic, but it might be something to do with the sip of energy drink I took this morning. I never drink that stuff, so it woke me up and I can't figure out why I'm still worried about this. I hope I get an easy character tonight, I really want something that I can just stand in a corner until people come along. I've been given the hard characters almost every night, a sewer rat who has to stand in a room filled with water and run around like crazy, a zombie in a huge room who is constantly on display and supposed to be moving, a clown in the clown maze, I just want something that is a pop-out scare.

I'm losing my taste for being scared, for watching horror movies, for things black and I find myself wanting to paint my nails pink for once, Pink, of all colors. It's weird, but I don't think I'm gonna want to even touch a horror movie ever again, it's like they put me in a quarantined house and I have to act a certain way to escape the evil that is there. So nervous. I hope I don't get the sewer rat, the strobe light room, the main zombie, anything with a full face mask. My skin is still recovering from the one night I forgot to completely wash everything off of my face, I am breaking out pretty bad although I think I've gotten it under control, just need to keep it healing. I had a huge zit on my chin that was so sore, finally it went to a whitehead and just burst when I poked it one evening. Disgusting I know, but there ya have it. Anyway, gonna go browse Youtube for a bit, no one reads this so I'm not worried about the zitage and the sleepage news. Have fun and peace out, think twice before you accept a job at a haunted house.

New Happenings

A lot of stuff has happened this month. I began a second job at Nightmare on 13th in Salt Lake. I was accepted to the University of Utah. My brother came home from his mission. My brother got engaged. I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. My old friend and ex from high school got engaged the day after my brother did.

I've done a lot of thinking and pondering this month, trying to cope with all that's happened and to direct my life towards a new and better future. I turn 24 next month, and I want 24 to be the best year ever, a year for me. That means no hiding things because I'm afraid of what someone will say or do, crushing my soul to avoid someone else's possible hurt or dissapointment.  I've been living with my head under a blanket, making my footsteps small, it's time to use these wings I've been given and fly.

This post will be short, but I'm ending it with a quote from one of my favorite songs ever.

"How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes.
I struggle to find any truth in your lies.
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
My weakness I feel I must finally show.

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all.
Lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall.
Lend me your eyes, I can change what you see.
But your soul you must keep, totally free.

Awake my soul....
                                 -Mumford & Sons

Just working on a Saturday, GOALS!!!!!

So I'm at work, and I realized I start a lot of sentances with So, but that's beside the point. Anyway, after getting here late because no joke, a boat was literally having the lifejackets sucked out by the wind as it drove down the highway, and they were kind of a road hazard, I proceeded to go into work overload and finished 80 emails in 4 hours. That's really good, that's like 20 emails per hour. Consider that the minimum emails per hour (for bonus qualification) is 7 and you hit the max bonus at 12, I did 32 emails that I will never ever get paid for. fun.
That aside, I realize I get extremely bored with this, so I invent games with the emails to keep busy. There's the 12 per hour game, the 3 per 15 minute, the load 3 and see how quickly they can get answered, the 15 per hour if I'm on ADD speed, and then there's UK speed, which is turtle slow. No one will understand what I just said, but that's about my state of mind most days!
Here's what I want to accomplish in the next year:
Turn 24
Get my Biology degree
Apply for Physician's Assistant School
Start a haunted house
Write a book and submit it to a publisher (or self-publish as a Kindle miniseries on Amazon, which would take less time and might make more money, just get the book written)
Lose 30 lbs (I'll settle for 20 though)
Start a YouTube channel just for kicks (I'll do a Let's Play of Thief: Deadly Shadows. I need a better computer though....)
I think that about lays it out, I'll put more on here as I think of them. Yay!