After tonight it's time for a change.
I had to help a patient currently on my floor down to the ER, where her husband suddenly passed away, then help her back to her cold hospital room. After her loving and worried family members all left, I was the only one there to comfort her, finish tucking her in, and turn off the lights. Worrying I checked up on her all night, she slept fitfully but managed a little rest.
Let's not forget the other mother I celebrated with as her son finally was able to drink chocolate milk after bouts of nausea for two days. Traumatic brain injury, it's unlikely he'll fully recover, requiring her to care for him for the rest of his probably very long life.
Another patient screaming with pain because the doctors hadn't yet released her meds after surgery. All I could do was assure her I would keep coming back. After two hours of that I managed to get around the orders with the help of a very caring nurse and get her the relief she needed.
Five dirty briefs, countless bathroom visits, one explosive case of vomiting, bladder scans and a foley bag. Turns, re-positioning, drinks of water, and reassurance.
Humans can only take so much of that before we crack.
There were a few victories. Peaceful sleep for my surgery patient. A new patient reassured and comfortable in his room. Guiding family members to another person who was thrilled beyond words to see them. The sweetest little lady in the world thanking me profusely for simply helping her get ready for bed.
I've seen completely incapacitated patients relearn to walk, liver transplants people who now have a new lease on life. Stroke patients miraculously recover, and even an engagement on my floor between some of the best people I know here at the hospital.
There is good, and there is sunshine.
Unfortunately with the dragging workload and the constant battle to keep ahead of my patient's needs is wearing me down. Nights like tonight make me feel broken and fragile.
I'm getting ready for a new life, and while I love helping people, making a difference, it becomes clearer day by day that there is only so much I can do. Sometimes to take care of others you have to take care of yourself first. So....
I applied for a part-time radio job. I'm re-looking into scuba lessons. I'm applying for nursing school to take the next step forward. I'm returning to the haunted house I love with the man I love the most tomorrow. And I'm cutting back at work. Hours-wise. I can take the small hit in paycheck, and I need the time to become the best version of myself I can be.
The Lord asks you to do all you can in service to others, it's up to you to try and understand when that limit has been reached, when you can say it's been enough. Or in my case, I just need to give a little less.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Friday, July 31, 2015
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Why I'm Getting Married
I realize I have posted a lot of negative stuff recently about marriage and all the stuff that goes along with it. Comments, money spent, personalities changed, that sort of stuff. So, in light of all that, here's going to be a post about all the reasons I'm excited to get married! It's a buttery, mushy post, be warned.
Why I'm Getting Married (To Ricky, duh)
1. Automatic bed warmer
2. Permanent cuddle buddy
3. Immediate expansion of my movie collection
4. Someone who will take out the trash for me
5. Travel partner
6. Expansion in my taste in music
7. Someone to come home to at night
8. Adventures. Lots and lots of adventures
9. Important stuff, i.e. bedroom stuff
10. Automatic reason to get out of doing things you don't want to (Gerald would be home alone so...)
11. Someone to miss you when you're gone
12. Another opinion on house/yard decorating
13. Easier to achieve goals with them/automatic cheerleader
14. Someone to stay in shape for
15. Second family
16. A whole other person with experiences and likes and dislikes to force you to grow and experience new things with them
17. A reason to move to California
18. Date night buddy
19. Plus one for weddings. Always
20. Two incomes
21. Someone to fight with over stuff and you know they'll always come back to you
22. An unwilling but forced participant in your April Fool's day pranks
23. Bodyguard for going through haunted houses
24. Reason to watch all my favorite action movies
25. Whole other set of experiences to enjoy life with (for example, our family pictures will always be classy and gorgeous)
26. Inside jokes for everything!
27. Wuv, twooo wuv, wiw fowwow woo, fowevaa....
27. Wuv, twooo wuv, wiw fowwow woo, fowevaa....
28. Someone that you love, who loves you back, who is there for you and has your back, even when you're wrong.
Love you, honey <3
Monday, May 4, 2015
How People (Don't) React When You Get Engaged
So, you just got engaged! All the butterflies and wonderfulness are overwhelming your soul! Or you knew it was coming and you're like, FINALLY! Regardless of how you feel, your friends and relations tend to act in oddly specific, if unusual ways. There are things you'll hear over and over again, and things you'll hear only once but you'll always remember.
1. But...you're so young!
Yes, you are. But only you know your maturity level and whether or not you're ready to give up on single life and create another adventure. For me, I've been steadily dating around for 10 years, and that's a lot more experience than many people have. After that much experience, I was ready to move on. There are these posts going around bemoaning women who get engaged in their 20's, and how getting married in your 30's is the only way to go. Sure. For that person, that WAS the only way to go. Think about it this way, you've picked the right one. Now, no more worrying about whether he does or doesn't like you and what you're going to do on date night with your friends. It's a cuddle buddy for Netflix, a workout partner, a motivator for your career, a human back massage machine, saved dinners when you slept in, someone to have your back when you can't buy groceries this month, someone to obsess over and spoil rotten, and a million other things. It's honestly a good way to help you get ahead in life from a purely mercenary standpoint, and aren't they always saying that the sooner you start your career, the better? Think of marriage as one of your careers, good on ya for figuring it out! Plus, no more weird strangers awkwardly groping at your butt at dances. That was never fun, admit it.
2. Haha, get ready to join the rest of us miserable married people!
This is most often heard from guys in their 30's. These guys often have a cynical nature, are married themselves but also work jobs they are unhappy with. They also give out nuggets of gold such as..."don't ever get married," and "kids ruined my dreams". Just recognize that these ones are infinitely unhappy with some procession of choices they made or haven't taken accountability for, and don't get mad. Arguing with them will only cause them to smirk and say, "yep, I was like that too....until I was married for 5 years. Wait and see how you feel THEN!" Just smile and say, "Yep, so excited for the misery!" If they were joking, then they'll laugh. If they were serious, then they'll laugh confusedly. Ha ha ha ha?
3. The love fades so enjoy it while it lasts!
Short Answer: The love will fade if you let it fade. It's a choice yes, but it's not a difficult one. Plus, that's a really rude thing to say. Imagine getting a new outfit and saying, "Look how cute this is!" and them saying, "you'll get fat so wear it while you can!" #rude. Don't let them worry you that you'll never be more in love then you are now. Being in love and getting married is like adding layers to the onion that is your love. The center gets deeper and more secure. I'm bad at similes, but basically, how you feel now is only a shadow of how you'll feel 25 years from now. If this is the right person, then you'll be even more in love and appreciative of this person who decided to share their life with you.
Long Answer: Once I was really mad at my then-boyfriend (now fiance). Like, so mad I didn't even want to see him or want him to touch me. He had no idea what was wrong, (something about me feeling ignored, not important now) but continued to gently sit by me and let me work through my anger. I remember looking at him, REALLY looking at him and thinking how cruel I was being, especially when he didn't even know what was wrong. I suddenly felt bad, so I reached out and lightly brushed his fingers. I was immediately overwhelmed by a wave of such tenderness and protectiveness that I got mad at myself! How could I be mad at this wonderful man who was just sitting there, trying to love me through my shell? It was a defining moment in realizing that no matter what, I always wanted to be on his side, even to protect him from me and my flaws. If I can remember that feeling, then I know I will ALWAYS love him, no matter what. And if that's how I can feel after just a year of dating, then think how much that could increase in a lifetime?
In my relationship, we've had to face a lot of misconceptions about each other due to well-meaning but meddling people, so the choice to stay together was just that, a choice. It was effortless once it was made, but love is like that. It's a choice and an option, not something that just happens but then wears away like the shiny on a new penny. Once you make that choice and open that door, then you basically have this huge castle of love with new doors and additions to explore, and it never stops growing. Like I said, I'm bad at similes, however...
"Love is an open doooooooooooooorrrrrrr!"
-Frozen
4. The engagement is/was the hardest part for us! We fought so much over details, and making it to the temple was practically a race!
I just want to laugh. Being engaged is already easier than the last year and a half (and a month two years ago) of dating ever was. For me, there's a solid certainty there. We can say things we were holding back, and most of them are simply about how much we love each other and what we're now excited to do and plan. Also farting/burping. It's not a free-for-all, but not such a scary concept to accidentally let one loose (or in my case, purposely try to shake the house foundations). Seriously though, throughout us dating, I was constantly looking at the relationship, analyzing what I would have to live with if/when we got married, and whether or not it was things I could live with. I don't think I've ever scrutinized a relationship more closely, most likely because I knew this one had lifetime potential. Now that I've decided and made the commitment though, it's like a huge weight is gone. No comparisons, no sudden realizations about how I've committed to living my life with someone who loves kittens or doesn't make their bed and how that could be a mistake. Those things have already been scrutinized and came up affirmative.
And as for the making it to the temple part, this is mostly for people who decided to wait until marriage to, how shall I say, consummate? This will be different for everyone, and hopefully it's difficult (duh, you want to be attracted to each other), but you're both on the same page so it's possible. Choose an engagement length you think you can manage, and try not to torture each other too much. (I may have already crossed that line by suggesting we schedule in a few hours between wedding and reception...but the look on his face was priceless!)
It's important for us, so we're going to wait, end of story. Yes, it's difficult. Yes, it's so frustrating that sometimes I just want to scream. And then go find a dark room with lots of candles and lure him there and 'accidentally' fall in a lake so I have nothing to wear....well, you get the picture. But, there are personal reasons that we've made this choice, not just religious ones. And because I believe in this so strongly and he believes this too, then we'll wait. When you both make a non-negotiable choice, then you stick with it. And I'm a big believer in the power of choices and using those to inform your actions.
5. One of you will get sick on your honeymoon. When your immune systems clash together majorly in that way and add it to the stress of the wedding... one of you will 'win' and the other will get sick.
One of the more bizarre things I've heard. Yet to find out if this is true, but here's a bit of advice on how to deal with these comments. Take them into considerations. Tell your fiance. Laugh. Forget, if you can. If not, just laugh.
It's probably true anyway, my fiance got sick after our first major saliva-swapping session, so my bet is that he'll be the one to get sick on the honeymoon too. *fingers crossed neither of us gets sick and that we're already used to each others 'cooties'!*
6. Congratulations! It's going to be the most magical time of your life!
Well, this is mostly true. It will be magical and fantastic. You get to dress up in a princess dress, have people give you gifts and fawn over you, and plan a magical party all about you! And it will be the most magical time of your life...up to that point. There will be better things, more exciting things, and so many more adventures to take. Imagine, if you will, going on a vacation and throwing a party where there's not so many cultural and familial expectations, and where you can not worry about pleasing a single one of those nutters. Those are the parties I really look forward to. If I want to spend $2000 on a dress in the future, then I will. Really though, this is a huge rite of passage, and it's not the end of the magic, but the beginning.
7. So...what's the wedding date?!
This one is well-meaning. For people who want to come support you, it'll be important so they know when to get off work. But take a deep breath and don't let them bowl you over with suggestions and craziness. My fiance got engaged on a Thursday, had a chance to go out that Saturday and we honestly just wanted to relax, and then didn't see each other for another week due to my work/finals/conference/new kitten that all collided. We simply didn't have time to discuss a wedding date, or anything else. You may want a chance to enjoy your engagement a bit more, that's good too.
8. When are you guys planning on having kids?
Whoa, too personal. Best response is..."we already have one, her name is Starscream! Yes, she's a cat. No, I don't understand your confusion." Or simply, "When we're ready!" That's super personal, on the level of asking, "When ya'll gonna be procreating?" No one should be asking that, so if they do, just have a snappy comeback memorized.
9. Do you think you're actually ready for this?
No, you're not ready. No one is. My fiance and I have a strategy. If we get overwhelmed or someone asks this question, we just throw up our hands and say, "Well I've never done this before so nope!" Good for a laugh and it's true, you're not ready for it. You never are ready for a huge change completely, but you will adapt and rise to the occasion. That's part of the excitement, don't you think?
1. But...you're so young!
Yes, you are. But only you know your maturity level and whether or not you're ready to give up on single life and create another adventure. For me, I've been steadily dating around for 10 years, and that's a lot more experience than many people have. After that much experience, I was ready to move on. There are these posts going around bemoaning women who get engaged in their 20's, and how getting married in your 30's is the only way to go. Sure. For that person, that WAS the only way to go. Think about it this way, you've picked the right one. Now, no more worrying about whether he does or doesn't like you and what you're going to do on date night with your friends. It's a cuddle buddy for Netflix, a workout partner, a motivator for your career, a human back massage machine, saved dinners when you slept in, someone to have your back when you can't buy groceries this month, someone to obsess over and spoil rotten, and a million other things. It's honestly a good way to help you get ahead in life from a purely mercenary standpoint, and aren't they always saying that the sooner you start your career, the better? Think of marriage as one of your careers, good on ya for figuring it out! Plus, no more weird strangers awkwardly groping at your butt at dances. That was never fun, admit it.
2. Haha, get ready to join the rest of us miserable married people!
This is most often heard from guys in their 30's. These guys often have a cynical nature, are married themselves but also work jobs they are unhappy with. They also give out nuggets of gold such as..."don't ever get married," and "kids ruined my dreams". Just recognize that these ones are infinitely unhappy with some procession of choices they made or haven't taken accountability for, and don't get mad. Arguing with them will only cause them to smirk and say, "yep, I was like that too....until I was married for 5 years. Wait and see how you feel THEN!" Just smile and say, "Yep, so excited for the misery!" If they were joking, then they'll laugh. If they were serious, then they'll laugh confusedly. Ha ha ha ha?
3. The love fades so enjoy it while it lasts!
Short Answer: The love will fade if you let it fade. It's a choice yes, but it's not a difficult one. Plus, that's a really rude thing to say. Imagine getting a new outfit and saying, "Look how cute this is!" and them saying, "you'll get fat so wear it while you can!" #rude. Don't let them worry you that you'll never be more in love then you are now. Being in love and getting married is like adding layers to the onion that is your love. The center gets deeper and more secure. I'm bad at similes, but basically, how you feel now is only a shadow of how you'll feel 25 years from now. If this is the right person, then you'll be even more in love and appreciative of this person who decided to share their life with you.
Long Answer: Once I was really mad at my then-boyfriend (now fiance). Like, so mad I didn't even want to see him or want him to touch me. He had no idea what was wrong, (something about me feeling ignored, not important now) but continued to gently sit by me and let me work through my anger. I remember looking at him, REALLY looking at him and thinking how cruel I was being, especially when he didn't even know what was wrong. I suddenly felt bad, so I reached out and lightly brushed his fingers. I was immediately overwhelmed by a wave of such tenderness and protectiveness that I got mad at myself! How could I be mad at this wonderful man who was just sitting there, trying to love me through my shell? It was a defining moment in realizing that no matter what, I always wanted to be on his side, even to protect him from me and my flaws. If I can remember that feeling, then I know I will ALWAYS love him, no matter what. And if that's how I can feel after just a year of dating, then think how much that could increase in a lifetime?
In my relationship, we've had to face a lot of misconceptions about each other due to well-meaning but meddling people, so the choice to stay together was just that, a choice. It was effortless once it was made, but love is like that. It's a choice and an option, not something that just happens but then wears away like the shiny on a new penny. Once you make that choice and open that door, then you basically have this huge castle of love with new doors and additions to explore, and it never stops growing. Like I said, I'm bad at similes, however...
"Love is an open doooooooooooooorrrrrrr!"
-Frozen
4. The engagement is/was the hardest part for us! We fought so much over details, and making it to the temple was practically a race!
I just want to laugh. Being engaged is already easier than the last year and a half (and a month two years ago) of dating ever was. For me, there's a solid certainty there. We can say things we were holding back, and most of them are simply about how much we love each other and what we're now excited to do and plan. Also farting/burping. It's not a free-for-all, but not such a scary concept to accidentally let one loose (or in my case, purposely try to shake the house foundations). Seriously though, throughout us dating, I was constantly looking at the relationship, analyzing what I would have to live with if/when we got married, and whether or not it was things I could live with. I don't think I've ever scrutinized a relationship more closely, most likely because I knew this one had lifetime potential. Now that I've decided and made the commitment though, it's like a huge weight is gone. No comparisons, no sudden realizations about how I've committed to living my life with someone who loves kittens or doesn't make their bed and how that could be a mistake. Those things have already been scrutinized and came up affirmative.
And as for the making it to the temple part, this is mostly for people who decided to wait until marriage to, how shall I say, consummate? This will be different for everyone, and hopefully it's difficult (duh, you want to be attracted to each other), but you're both on the same page so it's possible. Choose an engagement length you think you can manage, and try not to torture each other too much. (I may have already crossed that line by suggesting we schedule in a few hours between wedding and reception...but the look on his face was priceless!)
It's important for us, so we're going to wait, end of story. Yes, it's difficult. Yes, it's so frustrating that sometimes I just want to scream. And then go find a dark room with lots of candles and lure him there and 'accidentally' fall in a lake so I have nothing to wear....well, you get the picture. But, there are personal reasons that we've made this choice, not just religious ones. And because I believe in this so strongly and he believes this too, then we'll wait. When you both make a non-negotiable choice, then you stick with it. And I'm a big believer in the power of choices and using those to inform your actions.
5. One of you will get sick on your honeymoon. When your immune systems clash together majorly in that way and add it to the stress of the wedding... one of you will 'win' and the other will get sick.
One of the more bizarre things I've heard. Yet to find out if this is true, but here's a bit of advice on how to deal with these comments. Take them into considerations. Tell your fiance. Laugh. Forget, if you can. If not, just laugh.
It's probably true anyway, my fiance got sick after our first major saliva-swapping session, so my bet is that he'll be the one to get sick on the honeymoon too. *fingers crossed neither of us gets sick and that we're already used to each others 'cooties'!*
6. Congratulations! It's going to be the most magical time of your life!
Well, this is mostly true. It will be magical and fantastic. You get to dress up in a princess dress, have people give you gifts and fawn over you, and plan a magical party all about you! And it will be the most magical time of your life...up to that point. There will be better things, more exciting things, and so many more adventures to take. Imagine, if you will, going on a vacation and throwing a party where there's not so many cultural and familial expectations, and where you can not worry about pleasing a single one of those nutters. Those are the parties I really look forward to. If I want to spend $2000 on a dress in the future, then I will. Really though, this is a huge rite of passage, and it's not the end of the magic, but the beginning.
7. So...what's the wedding date?!
This one is well-meaning. For people who want to come support you, it'll be important so they know when to get off work. But take a deep breath and don't let them bowl you over with suggestions and craziness. My fiance got engaged on a Thursday, had a chance to go out that Saturday and we honestly just wanted to relax, and then didn't see each other for another week due to my work/finals/conference/new kitten that all collided. We simply didn't have time to discuss a wedding date, or anything else. You may want a chance to enjoy your engagement a bit more, that's good too.
8. When are you guys planning on having kids?
Whoa, too personal. Best response is..."we already have one, her name is Starscream! Yes, she's a cat. No, I don't understand your confusion." Or simply, "When we're ready!" That's super personal, on the level of asking, "When ya'll gonna be procreating?" No one should be asking that, so if they do, just have a snappy comeback memorized.
9. Do you think you're actually ready for this?
No, you're not ready. No one is. My fiance and I have a strategy. If we get overwhelmed or someone asks this question, we just throw up our hands and say, "Well I've never done this before so nope!" Good for a laugh and it's true, you're not ready for it. You never are ready for a huge change completely, but you will adapt and rise to the occasion. That's part of the excitement, don't you think?
Monday, June 16, 2014
A Year of Dates
My To-Do List of Dates
For quite some time now I've run into this problem. What to do on the date upon which I'm about to embark? Now dates can be simple, complex, long, or short, but they all have one thing in common. Two people going out in order to get to know each other better. Whether you've been on one date or a million, this is always important. All too often, I run into the trap of, "What do ya wanna do?" "I don't know whadda you wanna do? "I don't know...let's do something!"
So, in hopes of avoiding the dreaded trap, I have compiled my rather lengthy list of date ideas. This is the 'bucket list' of dates, I want to do all of these someday. My goal in coming up with the ideas was simple, fun, and inexpensive. Now, this has been tailored to those who live in the Salt Lake area, but you can easily adapt the specific places I've mentioned (Asylum 49 for your fav local haunted house for example) and you'll have more dates than you can sneeze at. Without further ado, here they are!
1. Picnic in the park
2. Walk Gateway mall and run through the fountain
3. Try all the frozen yogurt stores nearby and pick a favorite.
4. Sneak into Lagoon using the resident pass just to ride the Superman. (My name for the one that drops you from 400 feet in a huge swing.)
5. Explore that old, creepy barn. At night. And take pictures.
6. Make out in the middle of the mall.
7. Each of you compile a CD of fav songs and then listen to them together.
8. Go to library together and pick out a book for the other person to read.
9. Climb to flag on mountain.
10. Go hot-tubbing, preferably somewhere you're not supposed to, like a hotel you didn't check in at.
11. Go waterskiing.
12. Weekend trip to Yellowstone or Jackson Hole or wherever you can get in 8 hrs of driving.
13. Go to a store, pick out outfits for each other, try them on. Laugh.
14. Try out the Twilight Concert Series in Salt Lake, just to laugh at the bands.
15. Write a short story one evening, switching off each paragraph with the other person.
16. Quiet dinner and movie at the house, but don't really watch the movie.
17. Sneak into the others workplace and kidnap them for 5 minutes to kiss in a closet.
18. Film a Vine together.
19. Walk around the downtown and take pictures of the graffiti.
20. Take the other person to your place of work and show them off.
21. Play video games.
22. Make a ridiculous music video together.
23. Go apartment shopping, even if neither of you has any interest in moving.
24. Try that crazy dance club.
25. Go to a bar with live music and order super fruity drinks.
26. Pretty much any excuse to kiss, hold hands, or make out. Find the excuses.
27. Make costumes together.
28. TP one of your arch-enemies houses.
29. Spend the evening looking up how to say, "I love you" in 20 different languages.
30. Have a nerf-gun fight. Or water balloon fight.
31. Go swimming. Preferably where neither of you have been.
32. Speaking of that, go wading in the Tempe square reflecting pool.
33. Go to Idaho just to go horseback riding.
34. Trampoline park anyone?
35. Paintball with friends, but ditch the friends on the way home.
36. Sneak into a theatre just to hold impromptu performances for each other.
37. Make your fav dinner for them.
38. Get some friends and a large, dark building and play sardines. (Reverse of hide-and-go seek. One person hides, everyone goes to find them and once you find them, you hide with them.)
39. Camping.
40. Show up unexpectedly at the other persons house with a random gift, stay only 10 minutes but kiss the whole time.
41. Climb to the top of a random skyscraper just to see what's up there.
42. Give each other a foot massage.
43. Go ice-blocking.
44. Climb a tree.
45. Organize a movie outside.
46. Go sledding.
47. Build an igloo and have a picnic.
48. Go on a hike.
49. Go to Nicklemania (or other and spend the whole time playing 2 person games, or challenging the other person, or just having fun.
50. Fid the weirdest restaurant you can and eat there.
51. Find the closest cheap concert and go, no matter the band.
52. Go to a museum, imitate the displays and take pictures.
53. Explore a big old, or big new library.
54. Find a farmer's market and pretend to be an old Russian married couple. Confuse the heck out of everyone you meet.
55. Go rock-climbing.
56. Find a weird TV show on Netflix and watch an episode. Write a review online.
57. Find a really old, dumb movie and riff-trax it. (As in, heckle.)
58. Go through a haunted house just to hang on tight to each other. (Asylum 49, Castle of Chaos, Fear Factory, or the best one, Nightmare on 13th)
59. Make up a dance routine to your song together, pretend you're on Dancing With the Stars.
60. Karaoke night.
61. Take a horse-carriage ride.
There, more than a year's worth of ideas, even if you do more than one a week on occasion. Dating is important, whether you're brand-new to the scene or married 50 years. The worst thing you can do is get stuck in a rut. I once dated a guy that only wanted to sit on his couch and stare at the wall while he fell asleep. AFTER I'd driven to his house, at his request, because..... he didn't have any ideas? Still confused as to why I did that. Needless to say, Mr. Boring didn't last long in the romantic scene of my life.
Have some give and take, but don't say no to something just because it seems weird or hard or you've never done it before. Try that sushi, you may even like it. At the very least you'll say, "Well, I'm doing something that I didn't do yesterday." That's what life's really about, finding the adventure. Have fun dating! And whatever you do, don't feed the homeless on 400 South, they bite.
 |
| How all couples should meet |
So, in hopes of avoiding the dreaded trap, I have compiled my rather lengthy list of date ideas. This is the 'bucket list' of dates, I want to do all of these someday. My goal in coming up with the ideas was simple, fun, and inexpensive. Now, this has been tailored to those who live in the Salt Lake area, but you can easily adapt the specific places I've mentioned (Asylum 49 for your fav local haunted house for example) and you'll have more dates than you can sneeze at. Without further ado, here they are!
1. Picnic in the park
2. Walk Gateway mall and run through the fountain
3. Try all the frozen yogurt stores nearby and pick a favorite.
4. Sneak into Lagoon using the resident pass just to ride the Superman. (My name for the one that drops you from 400 feet in a huge swing.)
5. Explore that old, creepy barn. At night. And take pictures.
6. Make out in the middle of the mall.
7. Each of you compile a CD of fav songs and then listen to them together.
8. Go to library together and pick out a book for the other person to read.
9. Climb to flag on mountain.
10. Go hot-tubbing, preferably somewhere you're not supposed to, like a hotel you didn't check in at.
11. Go waterskiing.
12. Weekend trip to Yellowstone or Jackson Hole or wherever you can get in 8 hrs of driving.
13. Go to a store, pick out outfits for each other, try them on. Laugh.
14. Try out the Twilight Concert Series in Salt Lake, just to laugh at the bands.
15. Write a short story one evening, switching off each paragraph with the other person.
16. Quiet dinner and movie at the house, but don't really watch the movie.
17. Sneak into the others workplace and kidnap them for 5 minutes to kiss in a closet.
18. Film a Vine together.
19. Walk around the downtown and take pictures of the graffiti.
20. Take the other person to your place of work and show them off.
21. Play video games.
22. Make a ridiculous music video together.
23. Go apartment shopping, even if neither of you has any interest in moving.
24. Try that crazy dance club.
25. Go to a bar with live music and order super fruity drinks.
26. Pretty much any excuse to kiss, hold hands, or make out. Find the excuses.
27. Make costumes together.
28. TP one of your arch-enemies houses.
29. Spend the evening looking up how to say, "I love you" in 20 different languages.
30. Have a nerf-gun fight. Or water balloon fight.
31. Go swimming. Preferably where neither of you have been.
32. Speaking of that, go wading in the Tempe square reflecting pool.
33. Go to Idaho just to go horseback riding.
34. Trampoline park anyone?
35. Paintball with friends, but ditch the friends on the way home.
36. Sneak into a theatre just to hold impromptu performances for each other.
37. Make your fav dinner for them.
38. Get some friends and a large, dark building and play sardines. (Reverse of hide-and-go seek. One person hides, everyone goes to find them and once you find them, you hide with them.)
39. Camping.
40. Show up unexpectedly at the other persons house with a random gift, stay only 10 minutes but kiss the whole time.
41. Climb to the top of a random skyscraper just to see what's up there.
42. Give each other a foot massage.
43. Go ice-blocking.
44. Climb a tree.
45. Organize a movie outside.
46. Go sledding.
47. Build an igloo and have a picnic.
48. Go on a hike.
49. Go to Nicklemania (or other and spend the whole time playing 2 person games, or challenging the other person, or just having fun.
50. Fid the weirdest restaurant you can and eat there.
51. Find the closest cheap concert and go, no matter the band.
52. Go to a museum, imitate the displays and take pictures.
53. Explore a big old, or big new library.
54. Find a farmer's market and pretend to be an old Russian married couple. Confuse the heck out of everyone you meet.
55. Go rock-climbing.
56. Find a weird TV show on Netflix and watch an episode. Write a review online.
57. Find a really old, dumb movie and riff-trax it. (As in, heckle.)
58. Go through a haunted house just to hang on tight to each other. (Asylum 49, Castle of Chaos, Fear Factory, or the best one, Nightmare on 13th)
59. Make up a dance routine to your song together, pretend you're on Dancing With the Stars.
60. Karaoke night.
61. Take a horse-carriage ride.
There, more than a year's worth of ideas, even if you do more than one a week on occasion. Dating is important, whether you're brand-new to the scene or married 50 years. The worst thing you can do is get stuck in a rut. I once dated a guy that only wanted to sit on his couch and stare at the wall while he fell asleep. AFTER I'd driven to his house, at his request, because..... he didn't have any ideas? Still confused as to why I did that. Needless to say, Mr. Boring didn't last long in the romantic scene of my life.
Have some give and take, but don't say no to something just because it seems weird or hard or you've never done it before. Try that sushi, you may even like it. At the very least you'll say, "Well, I'm doing something that I didn't do yesterday." That's what life's really about, finding the adventure. Have fun dating! And whatever you do, don't feed the homeless on 400 South, they bite.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
A Poem by Walt Whitman
PASSING stranger! you do not know how longingly I look upon you,
You must be he I was seeking, or she I was seeking, (it comes to me, as of a dream,)
I have somewhere surely lived a life of joy with you,
All is recall’d as we flit by each other, fluid, affectionate, chaste, matured,
You grew up with me, were a boy with me, or a girl with me,
I ate with you, and slept with you—your body has become not yours only, nor left my body mine only,
You give me the pleasure of your eyes, face, flesh, as we pass—you take of my beard, breast, hands, in return,
I am not to speak to you—I am to think of you when I sit alone, or wake at night alone,
I am to wait—I do not doubt I am to meet you again,
I am to see to it that I do not lose you.
~Walt Whitman
I think Walt Whitman is fabulous! Just thought I'd put this up to increase your cultural knowledge :)
You must be he I was seeking, or she I was seeking, (it comes to me, as of a dream,)
I have somewhere surely lived a life of joy with you,
All is recall’d as we flit by each other, fluid, affectionate, chaste, matured,
You grew up with me, were a boy with me, or a girl with me,
I ate with you, and slept with you—your body has become not yours only, nor left my body mine only,
You give me the pleasure of your eyes, face, flesh, as we pass—you take of my beard, breast, hands, in return,
I am not to speak to you—I am to think of you when I sit alone, or wake at night alone,
I am to wait—I do not doubt I am to meet you again,
I am to see to it that I do not lose you.
~Walt Whitman
I think Walt Whitman is fabulous! Just thought I'd put this up to increase your cultural knowledge :)
To Be or Not To Be....A Princess
Today I was reading about a girls school in Kentucky that decided to tell students "You're not a princess". First off, the title got my attention and made me rather upset because as much as I like to think I'm a strong, self-empowered woman, I still want to be thought of as a beautiful princess who has people that love her and want to be around her just by virtue of her being who she is.
Then I started actually reading the article and discovered that the school's definition of princess and mine were very different.
School's definition
Princess: Girl who needs someone to take care of her and rescue her, who has to depend on some Prince Charming the rest of her life (who may or may not exist)
Here's the actual article: http://www.today.com/moms/girls-school-tells-students-youre-not-princess-2D11585037
I was all like, "Whaaaa?" and "Oh no they didn'!!!"
Seriously though, it seems to me that the school was worried that their students were turning into spoiled, greedy girls who weren't about to have any dreams other than getting married and raising lots of kids. They have it as part of an enrollment video, with messages such as, "Don't wait for a prince, be able to rescue yourself." The principal, in addition to saying that they thought this message would be risky also said : “Our girls are growing up in a society where they’re told by their parents that they’re a princess, and our message is that they’re not a princess, they’re so much more.” (spoiler alert: apparently all the girls loved it and cried when they were told they weren't princesses....)
I would just like to address that for a moment. This seems to me like another attempt to pull down the idea that women and girls can be thought of as beautiful and kick-ass at the same time. The Disney movies cater to a very specific type of thinking, but they have been changing with the times. Look at Merida and Rapunzel. Merida very notably did not need a Prince Charming and turned down all the suitors. Rapunzel worked with Flynn Rider towards an ending that neither could have achieved without the other (he cuts off her hair to break the ties to her fake-mum, she heals him so he doesn't die, win-win).
All the famous Disney Princess stories do have a princess who eventually (we think) finds a Prince Charming. This is more evident in the classic stories (I'm thinking of Snow White here) but what's wrong with that? Just because the Disney movies end with weddings or a proposal doesn't necessarily mean that their stories end there. Ariel had to rescue her prince several times over, Mulan won a war (and rescued her man), Pocahontas had to say goodbye to John Smith after saving his life, and Belle had to show her Beast the power of love. Come to think of it, why WOULDN'T you want to be thought of as a princess? These girls are gorgeous and empowered, are we attacking them for being able to find love by the end of the movie?
I think the three main culprits that people attack when speaking derogatorily of the Disney Princess stereotype are Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and Cinderella. These are the classic princesses, always featured prominently on all the pink, glittery Disney merchandise you see running around. These are the oldest, most famous Disney stories and for good reason. Let's look at this here. Sleeping Beauty had to go into hiding for 16 years and live away from her parents until she happened upon her prince in the forest. True, she doesn't do much after that besides cry and fall asleep, but what can you do when you've got a witch who is determined to curse you? Okay, strike one for Sleeping Beauty. Snow White runs away from an abusive step-mother, starts becoming self-sufficient until once again, a witch/her stepmom curses her and needs her prince to lift the spell. Oh, she needed a prince, strike two for her. Cinderella works day and night for her cruel stepmother and finally gets brave enough to go to a ball. After being thwarted by her family, she gets a little help and makes her dreams come true. Wait, she got married. Okay, strike three.
I just have to say, a lot of people get married. There's a liberal agenda being pushed for people to NOT get married now, but I have to say that I'm for getting married vs. shacking up. So these girls find a guy and get married? Yeah, not forward-thinking enough, better cross them off. Oh, and curses? We don't believe in magic or difficult circumstances here, better teach our girls that everyone is the same and doesn't need help.
I would just like to say, everyone needs help on occasion. I've needed help with my bills, Cinderella needed help finding a nice dress.
And what I'm asking is, what's wrong with that?
What's wrong with getting a little help to achieve your dreams? What's wrong with having difficult circumstances in life and having other people care about you enough to overcome them?
I think that's what really bothered me about the school saying, "You're not a princess, rescue yourself" or whatever, because they're implying that princesses by nature are frivolous feminine things that HAVE to be rescued. In reality, they didn't, and they weren't. Both Cinderella and Snow White were servants and cleaning girls from an early age and you can bet they had hard lives. Sleeping Beauty grew up in a forest with 3 rather incompetent fairies (who didn't use magic until her 16th birthday) so you can bet she learned how to work hard and take care of herself.
Again, what's wrong with being a princess?
I would like to think that Disney's message is that all little girls are special and deserve to think of themselves royally. That's the beauty of it. That's why so many little girls dress as princesses, think of themselves as beautiful, and watch Ariel until their VHS tape snaps. (I had a friend who did that, I wasn't allowed to watch that much TV :)
Here's what the end of the article says:
“You watch the Hollywood romance movies and you see the happy ending and the guy always comes in and saves everybody and everybody lives happily ever after and that’s not life,”
So what if it isn't? The movies obviously don't end with everyone dead. That's always the true end and so what if we can think that the princesses are happy for the rest of their lives? We know that's not life and that's why we escape into movies. I would also like to point out, there are plenty of movies where the girl comes in and saves everybody. Also, someone who thinks that riding off into the sunset is the end of the Disney movies has obviously never been a little girl and met up with the multiple straight-to-dvd movies that have extended what happens to every princess after they get married. (There's another Snow White, 2 Cinderella ones, 3 Lion Kings, another Little Mermaid, Pocahontas, Belle, and don't even get me started on all the Tinkerbell movies that now exist)
My main point is, why is it so wrong as a little girl to think that you're a princess? Worthy of attention and caring, worthy of help when you need it, and empowered enough to make your own choices and to change your life when things aren't going your way. That's what most of the princesses do, they make their own life choices, change their situation, and deal with being madly in love at the same time.
Message to this girls school: Please teach your students that they are royalty. A princess is not to be sneered at, they are a treasure to be revered. Princesses can solve problems and stop wars and overcome impossible circumstances and rule the world, with or without a Prince. I see nothing wrong with that. Maybe you should teach your students that they are princesses. I think you could get away with the exact same message.
Here's a new campaign. "You're a Princess, look at what all these princesses could do with situations more difficult than yours, we'll teach you what to know to be empowered. Now get out there and kick some ass!"
Too long? Not catchy enough?
Sigh, enough said.
Here's a link to Disney Princesses with beards. If I have one regret about being born a girl, it's that I can't grow a gorgeous flowing beard as depicted here. Only during November though, the rest of the year I couldn't care less and I appreciate having one less thing I need to shave. Enjoy.
http://hiconsumption.com/2013/11/disney-princesses-with-beards/
Then I started actually reading the article and discovered that the school's definition of princess and mine were very different.
School's definition
Princess: Girl who needs someone to take care of her and rescue her, who has to depend on some Prince Charming the rest of her life (who may or may not exist)
Here's the actual article: http://www.today.com/moms/girls-school-tells-students-youre-not-princess-2D11585037
I was all like, "Whaaaa?" and "Oh no they didn'!!!"
Seriously though, it seems to me that the school was worried that their students were turning into spoiled, greedy girls who weren't about to have any dreams other than getting married and raising lots of kids. They have it as part of an enrollment video, with messages such as, "Don't wait for a prince, be able to rescue yourself." The principal, in addition to saying that they thought this message would be risky also said : “Our girls are growing up in a society where they’re told by their parents that they’re a princess, and our message is that they’re not a princess, they’re so much more.” (spoiler alert: apparently all the girls loved it and cried when they were told they weren't princesses....)
I would just like to address that for a moment. This seems to me like another attempt to pull down the idea that women and girls can be thought of as beautiful and kick-ass at the same time. The Disney movies cater to a very specific type of thinking, but they have been changing with the times. Look at Merida and Rapunzel. Merida very notably did not need a Prince Charming and turned down all the suitors. Rapunzel worked with Flynn Rider towards an ending that neither could have achieved without the other (he cuts off her hair to break the ties to her fake-mum, she heals him so he doesn't die, win-win).
All the famous Disney Princess stories do have a princess who eventually (we think) finds a Prince Charming. This is more evident in the classic stories (I'm thinking of Snow White here) but what's wrong with that? Just because the Disney movies end with weddings or a proposal doesn't necessarily mean that their stories end there. Ariel had to rescue her prince several times over, Mulan won a war (and rescued her man), Pocahontas had to say goodbye to John Smith after saving his life, and Belle had to show her Beast the power of love. Come to think of it, why WOULDN'T you want to be thought of as a princess? These girls are gorgeous and empowered, are we attacking them for being able to find love by the end of the movie?
I think the three main culprits that people attack when speaking derogatorily of the Disney Princess stereotype are Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and Cinderella. These are the classic princesses, always featured prominently on all the pink, glittery Disney merchandise you see running around. These are the oldest, most famous Disney stories and for good reason. Let's look at this here. Sleeping Beauty had to go into hiding for 16 years and live away from her parents until she happened upon her prince in the forest. True, she doesn't do much after that besides cry and fall asleep, but what can you do when you've got a witch who is determined to curse you? Okay, strike one for Sleeping Beauty. Snow White runs away from an abusive step-mother, starts becoming self-sufficient until once again, a witch/her stepmom curses her and needs her prince to lift the spell. Oh, she needed a prince, strike two for her. Cinderella works day and night for her cruel stepmother and finally gets brave enough to go to a ball. After being thwarted by her family, she gets a little help and makes her dreams come true. Wait, she got married. Okay, strike three.
I just have to say, a lot of people get married. There's a liberal agenda being pushed for people to NOT get married now, but I have to say that I'm for getting married vs. shacking up. So these girls find a guy and get married? Yeah, not forward-thinking enough, better cross them off. Oh, and curses? We don't believe in magic or difficult circumstances here, better teach our girls that everyone is the same and doesn't need help.
I would just like to say, everyone needs help on occasion. I've needed help with my bills, Cinderella needed help finding a nice dress.
And what I'm asking is, what's wrong with that?
What's wrong with getting a little help to achieve your dreams? What's wrong with having difficult circumstances in life and having other people care about you enough to overcome them?
I think that's what really bothered me about the school saying, "You're not a princess, rescue yourself" or whatever, because they're implying that princesses by nature are frivolous feminine things that HAVE to be rescued. In reality, they didn't, and they weren't. Both Cinderella and Snow White were servants and cleaning girls from an early age and you can bet they had hard lives. Sleeping Beauty grew up in a forest with 3 rather incompetent fairies (who didn't use magic until her 16th birthday) so you can bet she learned how to work hard and take care of herself.
Again, what's wrong with being a princess?
I would like to think that Disney's message is that all little girls are special and deserve to think of themselves royally. That's the beauty of it. That's why so many little girls dress as princesses, think of themselves as beautiful, and watch Ariel until their VHS tape snaps. (I had a friend who did that, I wasn't allowed to watch that much TV :)
Here's what the end of the article says:
“You watch the Hollywood romance movies and you see the happy ending and the guy always comes in and saves everybody and everybody lives happily ever after and that’s not life,”
So what if it isn't? The movies obviously don't end with everyone dead. That's always the true end and so what if we can think that the princesses are happy for the rest of their lives? We know that's not life and that's why we escape into movies. I would also like to point out, there are plenty of movies where the girl comes in and saves everybody. Also, someone who thinks that riding off into the sunset is the end of the Disney movies has obviously never been a little girl and met up with the multiple straight-to-dvd movies that have extended what happens to every princess after they get married. (There's another Snow White, 2 Cinderella ones, 3 Lion Kings, another Little Mermaid, Pocahontas, Belle, and don't even get me started on all the Tinkerbell movies that now exist)
My main point is, why is it so wrong as a little girl to think that you're a princess? Worthy of attention and caring, worthy of help when you need it, and empowered enough to make your own choices and to change your life when things aren't going your way. That's what most of the princesses do, they make their own life choices, change their situation, and deal with being madly in love at the same time.
Message to this girls school: Please teach your students that they are royalty. A princess is not to be sneered at, they are a treasure to be revered. Princesses can solve problems and stop wars and overcome impossible circumstances and rule the world, with or without a Prince. I see nothing wrong with that. Maybe you should teach your students that they are princesses. I think you could get away with the exact same message.
Here's a new campaign. "You're a Princess, look at what all these princesses could do with situations more difficult than yours, we'll teach you what to know to be empowered. Now get out there and kick some ass!"
Too long? Not catchy enough?
Sigh, enough said.
Here's a link to Disney Princesses with beards. If I have one regret about being born a girl, it's that I can't grow a gorgeous flowing beard as depicted here. Only during November though, the rest of the year I couldn't care less and I appreciate having one less thing I need to shave. Enjoy.
http://hiconsumption.com/2013/11/disney-princesses-with-beards/
Monday, October 28, 2013
Saw This And It Is Too Perfect Not To Repost
Take chances.
Tell the truth.
Date someone totally wrong for you.
Say no.
Spend all your cash.
Get to know someone random.
Be random.
Say I love you.
Sing out loud.
Laugh at stupid jokes.
Cry.
Apologize.
Tell someone how much they mean to you.
Tell a jerk what you think.
Laugh till your stomach hurts.
Live life.
Regret nothing.
-My new motto for this year :)
Tell the truth.
Date someone totally wrong for you.
Say no.
Spend all your cash.
Get to know someone random.
Be random.
Say I love you.
Sing out loud.
Laugh at stupid jokes.
Cry.
Apologize.
Tell someone how much they mean to you.
Tell a jerk what you think.
Laugh till your stomach hurts.
Live life.
Regret nothing.
-My new motto for this year :)
Where Are You Now?
It came to the end it seems you had heard
As we walked the city streets
You never said a word
When we finally sat down
Your eyes were full of spite
I was desperate, I was weak
I could not put up a fight
But where are you now?
Where are you now?
Do you ever think of me
In the quiet, in the crowd?
You were strangely less in pain
Than you were cold.
Triumphant in your mind
Of the logic that you hold
You said no one would ever know
The love that we had shared.
As I took my leave to go
It was clear you didn't care
Where are you now?
Where are you now?
Do you ever think of me
In the quiet, in the crowd?
Where are you now?
Where are you now?
Do you ever think of me
In the quiet, in the crowd?
And I hear of your coming
And your going in the town
I hear stories of your smile
I hear stories of your frown
And the darkness can descend
We can relish all the pain
But I know that's what you love
Cause you know I love the same
But where are you now?
Where are you now?
Do you ever think of me
In the quiet, in the crowd?
Oh, where are you now?
Where are you now?
Do you ever think of me
In the quiet, in the crowd?
But where are you now?
Where are you now?
Do you ever think of me
In the quiet, in the crowd?
Where are you now?
Where are you now?
Do you ever think of me
In the quiet, in the crowd?
As we walked the city streets
You never said a word
When we finally sat down
Your eyes were full of spite
I was desperate, I was weak
I could not put up a fight
But where are you now?
Where are you now?
Do you ever think of me
In the quiet, in the crowd?
You were strangely less in pain
Than you were cold.
Triumphant in your mind
Of the logic that you hold
You said no one would ever know
The love that we had shared.
As I took my leave to go
It was clear you didn't care
Where are you now?
Where are you now?
Do you ever think of me
In the quiet, in the crowd?
Where are you now?
Where are you now?
Do you ever think of me
In the quiet, in the crowd?
And I hear of your coming
And your going in the town
I hear stories of your smile
I hear stories of your frown
And the darkness can descend
We can relish all the pain
But I know that's what you love
Cause you know I love the same
But where are you now?
Where are you now?
Do you ever think of me
In the quiet, in the crowd?
Oh, where are you now?
Where are you now?
Do you ever think of me
In the quiet, in the crowd?
But where are you now?
Where are you now?
Do you ever think of me
In the quiet, in the crowd?
Where are you now?
Where are you now?
Do you ever think of me
In the quiet, in the crowd?
-Mumford and Sons
Sigh No More
Monday, October 14, 2013
Part Of Me
If I never see you again,
never taste your lips
or feel your warmth.
Giggle with you
or play in the rain
I will carry you
at my fingertips
and in the corners
of my head
For you
have become a part
of what
I am
Friday, September 27, 2013
My Promise to My Children: The Kind of Mother I Will Be
After writing this, I realized this is a much deeper blog than I usually write. I wanted to publish it though, as I think it's important. Let me know what you think.
I will not set a curfew for my children. Not because I don't care about them, but because I DO care. Because I will teach my children how to check in with me. Because each situation is different, because I'm not going to insist on an 11pm curfew on Prom Night. Because I will trust my children to be intelligent enough to be responsible for their hours. Because I know teenagers need to push limits, and the last one I want to have is one about time, because I understand that without a specific time to be home they will be less likely to need to stay out late pushing an envelope that isn't there. And because I will make damn sure that they know if they're not home at the time they've told me or if they don't check in, I will be calling the police, knocking on doors, and otherwise raising hell until I figure out where they are.
I will read them piles of books. I will take them to the library and teach them that story time is magical. I will introduce them to Harry Potter and Katniss Everdeen and Frodo Baggins and Robert Jordan and George Orwell and David Wong. I have them meet Bill Peet and Dr. Seuss and Roald Dahl. I will never make them read See Spot Run to me. I will teach them about classics and how some of them are bollocks. Because to love books is to love what humans are. Because when you are curled up with a book you can feel infinitely alive. Because reading makes you smarter. Because there are more worlds than you can ever imagine and the only way you can visit is through books. Because imagination will always trump the big screen.
I will make them eat oatmeal for breakfast. I will make them eat spinach and green beans and quinoa and whole wheat. Because there are better things in this world than ketchup and mac & cheese (namely, creme brulee). Because they need to know that nutrition is important and they need to be concerned about what they put in their bodies. I will teach them how to eat the things they don't like, because they need to know how to do this to not hurt their future mother-in-law's feelings (and mine on bad cooking days).
I will make them get a summer job. Because they need to learn to be responsible. Because the only way they will learn about money is by having some. Because I will not give them an allowance. Because I will be working too and will need a break.
I will teach them how to chew with their mouths closed. I will teach them to keep elbows off the table. I will teach them to swallow quietly, not lick fingers or plates. I will teach them not to slurp. Because good manners are the last surviving bits of royalty in our blood and so when they are grandparents they won't be sucking on their fingers and embarrassing their grandchildren. Because they will likely marry someone with the same table manners as them (having driven away any potential suitors with better manners).
I will let them go visit their grandparents for a week without me. Because they need to visit their grandparents and learn how to love them. Because their grandparents are my parents, and will always be wiser than me and have more experience about raising children. Because I will enjoy a week to myself. Because they will enjoy getting spoiled for a week. Because both parties will be glad to return to normal after that time frame.
I will teach them to run. I will teach them to love the thrill of exercise. I will show them how to care for
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themselves, how to be fit. Because through running, you can find yourself. Because my children will not be ones that sit on their rears all day and break into a sweat walking from the house to the car. Because the zombie apocalypse might come and they need to be able to run faster than their friends.
I will teach them how to have dreams. I will teach them how to reach for them and support them. I will teach them to be acheiver's. I will teach them to love learning so they can go anywhere they want. I will have dreams and reach for them. Because dreams are the stuff that make life worth living.
I want to be the kind of mother who teaches her daughters about skin care so they don't have to go through the same pain that I did trying to figure it out on their own. I will take them to dermatologists and teach them how to wash twice a day and leave pimples alone. I will show them how to love themselves even on 'bad skin' days by doing that myself. I will understand the crippling fear and shame that comes when your skin is so broken out you don't even want to look people in the eye. I will teach them how milk and sugars can make acne worse, and how gentle olive oil face washes can make it better. I will teach them how to care for their skin. Because I wish my parents had known more about this and hadn't avoided talking to me about it.
I will teach them who Benedict Cumberbatch is. Just because.
I will teach them how to make good choices in music. I will teach them how to have opinions in what they like and dislike. I will teach them that country music can be enjoyed, and that some rap music has a message. I will teach them to adore indie rock and Weird Al. I will teach them to appreciate more than shallow pop music, and I will dance along with them to the current heartthrobs that are permeating pop airwaves. Because they need to know how not to be swayed by the ever-changing top-40's chart. Because they shouldn't have to wait until they are 40 to learn what good music is. Because to love music is to love life itself.
I will talk to them about sex. I will love them enough not to be embarrassed or cry when they come to me with proof that their bodies are maturing. I will teach them to love their bodies as they grow and change. I will be the kind of mother they can ask those frank and embarrassing questions to. I will not laugh when they ask me what a donkey punch is. I will be the one they aren't afraid to ask so they don't have to learn the hard way from their friends or be confused when their roommates start talking about things. I will not be accepting of loose morals, and I will teach them how to stay true to themselves. Because children need someone who they can trust to talk about these things, otherwise who are they going to turn to?
If I have a son or daughter who is homosexual, I will love them. I won't be a parent who shuts them out, tries to pretend that part of their life doesn't exist. I will love them, accept them, and be there for them. Because in doing this I will be the parent that they need, not the parent that religion or the world or fear says I should be.
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I will love my husband. I will marry a spouse who knows how to listen to me, and who will talk to me about the hard things in life. I will choose someone who is gentle, smart, nerdy, and loving. I will marry someone who is strong in the gospel. I will marry 'the nice guy' who knows how to be his own person. Who isn't clingy, but isn't so independent that he doesn't consult me about important things like who we're inviting along on our road trips. I will be true to him and make him happy. Because by loving my husband and choosing someone who makes me happy, I will be showing my children by example how to choose a good spouse.
Most of all, I will love them. Because I'm their mother, and that's what mothers do.
My Promise to My Children
The Kind of Mother I Will Be
I will not set a curfew for my children. Not because I don't care about them, but because I DO care. Because I will teach my children how to check in with me. Because each situation is different, because I'm not going to insist on an 11pm curfew on Prom Night. Because I will trust my children to be intelligent enough to be responsible for their hours. Because I know teenagers need to push limits, and the last one I want to have is one about time, because I understand that without a specific time to be home they will be less likely to need to stay out late pushing an envelope that isn't there. And because I will make damn sure that they know if they're not home at the time they've told me or if they don't check in, I will be calling the police, knocking on doors, and otherwise raising hell until I figure out where they are.
I will read them piles of books. I will take them to the library and teach them that story time is magical. I will introduce them to Harry Potter and Katniss Everdeen and Frodo Baggins and Robert Jordan and George Orwell and David Wong. I have them meet Bill Peet and Dr. Seuss and Roald Dahl. I will never make them read See Spot Run to me. I will teach them about classics and how some of them are bollocks. Because to love books is to love what humans are. Because when you are curled up with a book you can feel infinitely alive. Because reading makes you smarter. Because there are more worlds than you can ever imagine and the only way you can visit is through books. Because imagination will always trump the big screen.
I will make them eat oatmeal for breakfast. I will make them eat spinach and green beans and quinoa and whole wheat. Because there are better things in this world than ketchup and mac & cheese (namely, creme brulee). Because they need to know that nutrition is important and they need to be concerned about what they put in their bodies. I will teach them how to eat the things they don't like, because they need to know how to do this to not hurt their future mother-in-law's feelings (and mine on bad cooking days).
I will make them get a summer job. Because they need to learn to be responsible. Because the only way they will learn about money is by having some. Because I will not give them an allowance. Because I will be working too and will need a break.
I will teach them how to chew with their mouths closed. I will teach them to keep elbows off the table. I will teach them to swallow quietly, not lick fingers or plates. I will teach them not to slurp. Because good manners are the last surviving bits of royalty in our blood and so when they are grandparents they won't be sucking on their fingers and embarrassing their grandchildren. Because they will likely marry someone with the same table manners as them (having driven away any potential suitors with better manners).
I will let them go visit their grandparents for a week without me. Because they need to visit their grandparents and learn how to love them. Because their grandparents are my parents, and will always be wiser than me and have more experience about raising children. Because I will enjoy a week to myself. Because they will enjoy getting spoiled for a week. Because both parties will be glad to return to normal after that time frame.
I will teach them to run. I will teach them to love the thrill of exercise. I will show them how to care for
I will teach them how to have dreams. I will teach them how to reach for them and support them. I will teach them to be acheiver's. I will teach them to love learning so they can go anywhere they want. I will have dreams and reach for them. Because dreams are the stuff that make life worth living.
I want to be the kind of mother who teaches her daughters about skin care so they don't have to go through the same pain that I did trying to figure it out on their own. I will take them to dermatologists and teach them how to wash twice a day and leave pimples alone. I will show them how to love themselves even on 'bad skin' days by doing that myself. I will understand the crippling fear and shame that comes when your skin is so broken out you don't even want to look people in the eye. I will teach them how milk and sugars can make acne worse, and how gentle olive oil face washes can make it better. I will teach them how to care for their skin. Because I wish my parents had known more about this and hadn't avoided talking to me about it.
I will teach them who Benedict Cumberbatch is. Just because.
I will teach them how to make good choices in music. I will teach them how to have opinions in what they like and dislike. I will teach them that country music can be enjoyed, and that some rap music has a message. I will teach them to adore indie rock and Weird Al. I will teach them to appreciate more than shallow pop music, and I will dance along with them to the current heartthrobs that are permeating pop airwaves. Because they need to know how not to be swayed by the ever-changing top-40's chart. Because they shouldn't have to wait until they are 40 to learn what good music is. Because to love music is to love life itself.
I will talk to them about sex. I will love them enough not to be embarrassed or cry when they come to me with proof that their bodies are maturing. I will teach them to love their bodies as they grow and change. I will be the kind of mother they can ask those frank and embarrassing questions to. I will not laugh when they ask me what a donkey punch is. I will be the one they aren't afraid to ask so they don't have to learn the hard way from their friends or be confused when their roommates start talking about things. I will not be accepting of loose morals, and I will teach them how to stay true to themselves. Because children need someone who they can trust to talk about these things, otherwise who are they going to turn to?
If I have a son or daughter who is homosexual, I will love them. I won't be a parent who shuts them out, tries to pretend that part of their life doesn't exist. I will love them, accept them, and be there for them. Because in doing this I will be the parent that they need, not the parent that religion or the world or fear says I should be.
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Most of all, I will love them. Because I'm their mother, and that's what mothers do.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
What Love Is
I read this poem from the fourteenth-century Sufi poet Hafiz and it simply touched my heart.
Even
After
All this time
The Sun never says
To the Earth
"You owe me."
Look
What happens
With a love like that.
It lights the
Whole
Sky.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
The Most Important Thing in this Life
I once heard in General Conference that the most important things we will take from this life are our relationships with others. I don't remember where that quote is from exactly, but this has come to my attention time and time again over the last few weeks, and I wanted to expand on that a bit.
The most important things in this life are our relationships with others.
This has struck me again and again, is it really going to matter how much I worked or how successful I was. Will it even matter whether I finished all the levels of Candy Crush Saga? Not really, in fact, maybe not at all. What does matter are the people that we meet, live with, work with, play with, and choose to be around.
Also apparently, to be Batman. When I was Googling my topic to see what else was out there, I typed "The most important thing in this life...." and Google completed it with "...is to be Batman." Gotta love the interwebs.
Treasure your relationships, not your possessions. -Anthony J. D'Angelo
Why do you think so many movies and stories have been written with love in them? It's because relationships are the most interesting thing in the world, and love relationships top them all. Most of the relationships that involve love are given to us from birth, those are the ones of family. These are givens, at least hopefully they are, in a perfect world they would be. The second ones are those of platonic love, the people you choose to love that are your friends. Now these are interesting, but not as interesting as the relationships involving romantic love. These are relationships that begin in a myriad of ways and have just as many ways to end, but they have more of a spark, a fire, drama and intrigue than all other relationships. They are begun sometimes quite suddenly, and ended even more abruptly at times.
In the end, love is all that matters.
Why is this though? Why would someone take the time to pen the quote, In the end, all that matters is love. I think that's because it's true, I can't see clearly sometimes through the fog of life, but the one thing that stands out is how we treat others, our relationships with them, and the love we cherish and develop will be the one thing that stands the test of time, from this life to the next.
The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing. -Blaise Pascal
The heart does have its reasons, and if we tried to explain what makes us connect with other people, we would never get to the end of it. Love and our ability to connect with others and form relationships with them are what makes us human, what sets us apart on this world.
As I go forward I want to work on connecting with more people, take the time to work on my relationships with others, and be the type of friend that I want to have. I'm still looking for that one special relationship, but I have a feeling it'll come when I'm not looking so hard. It's hard to admit to myself that I care so much about people, because often it feels like they don't care back, and I worry that this is the case with a lot of others.
I'm on the compassionate service committee in my ward, and as I've been reaching out to try and help girls, the amount of people who think they are alone and that no one cares is staggering. These are girls that have tried to make friends but feel that they still have no one, girls that feel shut out from the already existing friendships in the ward. I wish we could see, in color, how people feel, because I think we'd be shocked at how many people feel the same way that we do. The relationships we develop are so important, and if you take the plunge and reach out to someone else, you never know how that may affect them in the long run.
Just, take the time to work on your relationships. You never know which ones you will come to treasure, to need, and to cherish.
The most important things in this life are our relationships with others.
This has struck me again and again, is it really going to matter how much I worked or how successful I was. Will it even matter whether I finished all the levels of Candy Crush Saga? Not really, in fact, maybe not at all. What does matter are the people that we meet, live with, work with, play with, and choose to be around. Also apparently, to be Batman. When I was Googling my topic to see what else was out there, I typed "The most important thing in this life...." and Google completed it with "...is to be Batman." Gotta love the interwebs.
Treasure your relationships, not your possessions. -Anthony J. D'Angelo
Why do you think so many movies and stories have been written with love in them? It's because relationships are the most interesting thing in the world, and love relationships top them all. Most of the relationships that involve love are given to us from birth, those are the ones of family. These are givens, at least hopefully they are, in a perfect world they would be. The second ones are those of platonic love, the people you choose to love that are your friends. Now these are interesting, but not as interesting as the relationships involving romantic love. These are relationships that begin in a myriad of ways and have just as many ways to end, but they have more of a spark, a fire, drama and intrigue than all other relationships. They are begun sometimes quite suddenly, and ended even more abruptly at times.
In the end, love is all that matters.
Why is this though? Why would someone take the time to pen the quote, In the end, all that matters is love. I think that's because it's true, I can't see clearly sometimes through the fog of life, but the one thing that stands out is how we treat others, our relationships with them, and the love we cherish and develop will be the one thing that stands the test of time, from this life to the next.
The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing. -Blaise Pascal
The heart does have its reasons, and if we tried to explain what makes us connect with other people, we would never get to the end of it. Love and our ability to connect with others and form relationships with them are what makes us human, what sets us apart on this world.
As I go forward I want to work on connecting with more people, take the time to work on my relationships with others, and be the type of friend that I want to have. I'm still looking for that one special relationship, but I have a feeling it'll come when I'm not looking so hard. It's hard to admit to myself that I care so much about people, because often it feels like they don't care back, and I worry that this is the case with a lot of others.
I'm on the compassionate service committee in my ward, and as I've been reaching out to try and help girls, the amount of people who think they are alone and that no one cares is staggering. These are girls that have tried to make friends but feel that they still have no one, girls that feel shut out from the already existing friendships in the ward. I wish we could see, in color, how people feel, because I think we'd be shocked at how many people feel the same way that we do. The relationships we develop are so important, and if you take the plunge and reach out to someone else, you never know how that may affect them in the long run.
Just, take the time to work on your relationships. You never know which ones you will come to treasure, to need, and to cherish.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Random Questions
Random questions:
When is it appropriate to text someone you really like? All the time? If you happen to think of something clever? Never? Wait for them to text you first?
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If I ceased to exist, would my best friends meet and become best friends with each other instead?
What is the absolute inverse of having -$19 in your bank account?
How many nickels does it take to reach the moon?
Is it appropriate to randomly call your married siblings and scream, "Haha, SUCKA!" into the phone?
How many hours of tv does it take before your brain starts turning into grape jelly?
When do pieces of you cease to be part of you? Like, fingernails? Bits of hair? Voodoo dolls say those are still bits of you forever, but you don't feel or control those parts anymore. If you lose a whole limb you can't control it anymore, so is that technically a part of you?
Do you think it'll be possible in the future to put your head on a robot body and still function? Or do you need the heart and a few other organs to really BE you? (I'm guessing you still need some other key parts, like your endorphin gland and some other stuff to really feel like you, otherwise you just feel dead or whatever.)
If you stacked up all the books you've ever read, how far would that reach?
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What is the point of condensing every bit of information into little data bits that are then stored on servers and then destroying original paper bits of information if all our fears point to the server system eventually being destroyed by a zombie apocalypse or something?
Why do people read romance novels? I mean seriously, I'm a girl and still can't figure it out.
What do you feel is having a true human connection with someone? What does that even mean?
Feel free to answer any of these that strike your fancy, and good luck. I'm still trying to figure it all out.
When is it appropriate to text someone you really like? All the time? If you happen to think of something clever? Never? Wait for them to text you first?
If I ceased to exist, would my best friends meet and become best friends with each other instead?What is the absolute inverse of having -$19 in your bank account?
How many nickels does it take to reach the moon?
Is it appropriate to randomly call your married siblings and scream, "Haha, SUCKA!" into the phone?
How many hours of tv does it take before your brain starts turning into grape jelly?
When do pieces of you cease to be part of you? Like, fingernails? Bits of hair? Voodoo dolls say those are still bits of you forever, but you don't feel or control those parts anymore. If you lose a whole limb you can't control it anymore, so is that technically a part of you?
Do you think it'll be possible in the future to put your head on a robot body and still function? Or do you need the heart and a few other organs to really BE you? (I'm guessing you still need some other key parts, like your endorphin gland and some other stuff to really feel like you, otherwise you just feel dead or whatever.)
If you stacked up all the books you've ever read, how far would that reach?
What is the point of condensing every bit of information into little data bits that are then stored on servers and then destroying original paper bits of information if all our fears point to the server system eventually being destroyed by a zombie apocalypse or something?Why do people read romance novels? I mean seriously, I'm a girl and still can't figure it out.
What do you feel is having a true human connection with someone? What does that even mean?
Feel free to answer any of these that strike your fancy, and good luck. I'm still trying to figure it all out.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Misread Signals
Waiting and watching, biding the time.
The view seemed clear through smoked glass, thought of as mine.
Whispering, wanted, pained recognition,
that the signs were wrong, listened to admonitions.
Frustrations abound, things done wrong.
Mistakes made, doors shut, waited too long.
Now the path is uncertain, clouds block the view
the glass fogs up, left without a clue.
Patterns repeated, crying in the dark,
waiting and watching for that effervescent spark.
Perhaps it is there, but how to tell?
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Lines of communication, shattered, fell.
A glorious time is awaited, coming,
Flying to replace walking, running, shunning.
Not to be viewed through this cloudy sphere,
waiting to be release in the absence of fear.
Unclear now, but waiting, progressing,
to use tools without fear of regressing.
Move forward without, waiting no longer
for if the door is shut, beating won't make me stronger
The view seemed clear through smoked glass, thought of as mine.
Whispering, wanted, pained recognition,
that the signs were wrong, listened to admonitions.
Frustrations abound, things done wrong.
Mistakes made, doors shut, waited too long.
Now the path is uncertain, clouds block the view
the glass fogs up, left without a clue.
Patterns repeated, crying in the dark,
waiting and watching for that effervescent spark.
Perhaps it is there, but how to tell?
Lines of communication, shattered, fell.A glorious time is awaited, coming,
Flying to replace walking, running, shunning.
Not to be viewed through this cloudy sphere,
waiting to be release in the absence of fear.
Unclear now, but waiting, progressing,
to use tools without fear of regressing.
Move forward without, waiting no longer
for if the door is shut, beating won't make me stronger
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
The Lies Disney Taught Us
Disney Princesses, the backbone of the Disney marketing scheme. They are the icons that are marketed to millions of little girls as strong, beautiful, intelligent role models. But what do their stories really teach us? I grew up with the Disney princesses. However, in growing up there is unfortunately a cynical, logical side to these stories that comes to light. Let's look at what Disney teaches us.
All Disney Princess Movies, EVER
Princess has found her guy by age 16. Yep, you read that right, 16. In Tangled Rapunzel meets Flynn when she's 18, so they're marketing a little older at least, but 16? Really? That makes most of us old maids. At 24, I'm 8 years past that. So....what does that say? Not sure yet, but seems to be that if you don't find your dream guy young, you'll never find him. Don't think that's what we want to tell kids.
Princess gets the guy of her dreams. Didn't you notice that? Every single movie, the prince finds the princess and they both fall madly in love. At the end of the movie, the lead character is awarded their favorite love interest. You can apply this to regular movies too, just reverse it since almost every main character is male. That doesn't teach kids how to interact well, just to develop stalker-type crushes and then they'll be happy. Something tells me that's not how it works. I could be wrong though....Imagine me and you, I do. I think about you day and night, it's only ri-i-ight. To think about the girl I stalk, both day and night, so happy togetheeeerrrrrrr......"
Okay, let's examine two movies in particular, Beauty and the Beast and The Little Mermaid. I would do more, but then this blog would be too long and I'd lose half my readership (Yep, I'd lose half of the 10 :)
The Little Mermaid
All Disney Princess Movies, EVER
Princess has found her guy by age 16. Yep, you read that right, 16. In Tangled Rapunzel meets Flynn when she's 18, so they're marketing a little older at least, but 16? Really? That makes most of us old maids. At 24, I'm 8 years past that. So....what does that say? Not sure yet, but seems to be that if you don't find your dream guy young, you'll never find him. Don't think that's what we want to tell kids.
Princess gets the guy of her dreams. Didn't you notice that? Every single movie, the prince finds the princess and they both fall madly in love. At the end of the movie, the lead character is awarded their favorite love interest. You can apply this to regular movies too, just reverse it since almost every main character is male. That doesn't teach kids how to interact well, just to develop stalker-type crushes and then they'll be happy. Something tells me that's not how it works. I could be wrong though....Imagine me and you, I do. I think about you day and night, it's only ri-i-ight. To think about the girl I stalk, both day and night, so happy togetheeeerrrrrrr......"
Okay, let's examine two movies in particular, Beauty and the Beast and The Little Mermaid. I would do more, but then this blog would be too long and I'd lose half my readership (Yep, I'd lose half of the 10 :)
Beauty and the Beast
A wonderful story about a bullied, friendless girl who is held hostage by a terrible beast, develops Stockholm Syndrome, and proves that with love you can change a monster into a prince. Just think about that for a second there. The message seems to be, 'If I love them enough, they'll change for me." Well, that doesn't sound like every abusive relationship ever now does it?
This used to be one of my favorite stories, and I still love the music when I can turn off the cynical portion of my brain. However, I was in one such abusive relationship for a long time and those were my exact thoughts. "If I just show enough love, if I'm patient enough, kind enough, listen enough, whatever enough, then he'll change and things will be perfect." Life's lesson there is that people don't change. They really don't, unless the individual person wants to. That takes quite a bit of doing, so most people don't bother. Sure, the power of love and all that, but really, it's backwards to what happens in real life. So unless you want to teach the little girls that they just have to be perfect enough and whomever they're dating will love them, maybe we should keep this one locked in the vault. It might happen, but there are too many weirdos out there.
The Little Mermaid
This one's fun. A beautiful mermaid falls for a sailor that she rescues who just happens to be a prince. They fall in love, Ariel sells her voice to get legs and Eric is put under an evil spell but eventually they're together. Very nice story, if the villain is rather weird (I mean, who turns into a giant half-octopus the moment they get a ton of power? Wait....) Just don't ever read the original Hans Christian Anderson version though.
Another lesson we really shouldn't be teaching. Change everything about yourself, even your body shape, then you'll be able to get the guy you want. Right, plastic surgery all over again. Let's not forget the running away, abandoning family for some guy you pulled out of the ocean. Here's Florence Nightingale Effect for you, courtesy of Prince Eric.
Another lesson we really shouldn't be teaching. Change everything about yourself, even your body shape, then you'll be able to get the guy you want. Right, plastic surgery all over again. Let's not forget the running away, abandoning family for some guy you pulled out of the ocean. Here's Florence Nightingale Effect for you, courtesy of Prince Eric.
So anyway, there it is. Think twice when you watch the next Disney movie and make sure to live Happily Ever After!
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
La douleur exquise
I love you,
I love you,
I love you.
-love me
The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. -Thomas Merton
We loved with a love that was more than love -Edgar Allen Poe
Love is a force more formidable than any other. it is invisible - it cannot be seen or measured, yet it is powerful enough to transform you in a moment, and offer you more joy than any material possession could. - Barbara de Angelis
A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous - Ingrid Bergman
Love is being stupid together. - Paul Valery
Love is friendship given wings. - me
I love you,
I love you.
-love me
The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. -Thomas Merton
We loved with a love that was more than love -Edgar Allen Poe
Love is a force more formidable than any other. it is invisible - it cannot be seen or measured, yet it is powerful enough to transform you in a moment, and offer you more joy than any material possession could. - Barbara de Angelis
A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous - Ingrid Bergman
Love is being stupid together. - Paul Valery
Love is friendship given wings. - me
Life Moves On
Just a collection of thoughts that I've had.
Life moves on, it really does. When you think nothing will happen, nothing will ever change, suddenly it does. People move, get married, break up, move on, and fall in love. Something wonderful happened to me this weekend that I haven't felt for a long long time. I don't want to give too much away, but suffice it to tell that my heart is not as dead as I once thought it was.
This isn't the story, but it's important. I saw a photo of my ex on facebook. You know, THE ONE. The one that broke my heart, messed me up, and almost destroyed my life. Yep, I went looking for it. Despite everything, I was in love with him once. Now that my heart seems to be alive, letting someone else in, I finally felt safe enough to go looking, make sure the ex wasn't dead and all that. So, he seems to be fine. Happy, with friends. Drinking, (duh, he loved that and never felt comfortable doing it around me), but happy. A little wistful maybe from recent posts, but moving on. Good, he's got a lot of healing to do. He tried so hard to make me into something I wasn't that it almost broke me. Maybe it did. But I didn't come here to talk about that, I came to talk about something else.
Do you believe in love at first sight? I didn't. I tell myself it's impossible, love at first sight isn't really love, it's lust, want, need, painting yourself onto the other person and pretending. But that's not what I feel. This is deep, like an awakening in my chest, but deeper, within my soul. I want to be better, do great things. I want to love, to be there. I want to be held, to hold, to give. I want to be two, but one.
I'm so scared, what if this is something that I'm kidding myself about. What if when he was talking about that 'other girl' that couldn't get the hint, he was talking about me? Am I still pretty? Can I still attract a guy? I don't know if I trust myself not to destroy someone, but I have so much love to give. I want more than anything to be loved and to love,
"I'd do anything, just to hold you in my arms.
To try and make you laugh, 'cause somehow I can't put you in the past."
And for once, my dreams aren't filled with darkness and reaching, they're filled with longing, songs, and hope.
"Just a kiss can make my heart ache,
just a kiss can make me fall.
Just a kiss can make my whole world shake,
and your kiss did it all.
I don't pretend to know love's mysteries, but baby I know this.
When you touched your lips to mine, it was more than just a kiss."
I'm in love, and it scares me. What if he doesn't love me back? What if he's looking for something else?
If you stay with 'what if's' forever, you'll have a lot of 'never found out'. So I'm going to try. If he has to let me down hard so be it, I can heal. Better to heal and become stronger then never find out. I know, so I'll try this out. Love at first sight, I never thought it happened, but it does, and it did.
"I can't help it if you look like an angel.
Can't help it if I want to kiss you in the rain so,
come feel this magic I been feeling since I met you.
Can't help it if there's no one else. I can't help myself."
Life moves on, it really does. When you think nothing will happen, nothing will ever change, suddenly it does. People move, get married, break up, move on, and fall in love. Something wonderful happened to me this weekend that I haven't felt for a long long time. I don't want to give too much away, but suffice it to tell that my heart is not as dead as I once thought it was.
This isn't the story, but it's important. I saw a photo of my ex on facebook. You know, THE ONE. The one that broke my heart, messed me up, and almost destroyed my life. Yep, I went looking for it. Despite everything, I was in love with him once. Now that my heart seems to be alive, letting someone else in, I finally felt safe enough to go looking, make sure the ex wasn't dead and all that. So, he seems to be fine. Happy, with friends. Drinking, (duh, he loved that and never felt comfortable doing it around me), but happy. A little wistful maybe from recent posts, but moving on. Good, he's got a lot of healing to do. He tried so hard to make me into something I wasn't that it almost broke me. Maybe it did. But I didn't come here to talk about that, I came to talk about something else.
Do you believe in love at first sight? I didn't. I tell myself it's impossible, love at first sight isn't really love, it's lust, want, need, painting yourself onto the other person and pretending. But that's not what I feel. This is deep, like an awakening in my chest, but deeper, within my soul. I want to be better, do great things. I want to love, to be there. I want to be held, to hold, to give. I want to be two, but one.
I'm so scared, what if this is something that I'm kidding myself about. What if when he was talking about that 'other girl' that couldn't get the hint, he was talking about me? Am I still pretty? Can I still attract a guy? I don't know if I trust myself not to destroy someone, but I have so much love to give. I want more than anything to be loved and to love,
"I'd do anything, just to hold you in my arms.
To try and make you laugh, 'cause somehow I can't put you in the past."
And for once, my dreams aren't filled with darkness and reaching, they're filled with longing, songs, and hope.
"Just a kiss can make my heart ache,
just a kiss can make me fall.
Just a kiss can make my whole world shake,
and your kiss did it all.
I don't pretend to know love's mysteries, but baby I know this.
When you touched your lips to mine, it was more than just a kiss."
I'm in love, and it scares me. What if he doesn't love me back? What if he's looking for something else?
If you stay with 'what if's' forever, you'll have a lot of 'never found out'. So I'm going to try. If he has to let me down hard so be it, I can heal. Better to heal and become stronger then never find out. I know, so I'll try this out. Love at first sight, I never thought it happened, but it does, and it did.
"I can't help it if you look like an angel.
Can't help it if I want to kiss you in the rain so,
come feel this magic I been feeling since I met you.
Can't help it if there's no one else. I can't help myself."
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Thoughts of the day
So today I'm just going to ramble on for awhile. I have a lot of thoughts and it seems that they need to be put down on paper.
It's summer, and I'm working a lot and trying to fit vacation in. I have a lot of things I want to do like get in shape, learn to sing well, act, and write a book. I have come to the conclusion though that only rich people can do everything they want to do, because 90% of my time is at work or asleep, I don't really have a social life except for a few activities if I can manage to squeeze them in and people I talk to on the phone or Skype.
Thinking about dying my hair pink again, I had pink streaks before and I think I want a few more after my show, Hello Dolly gets done. It will be fun to try again anyway!
My show, Hello Dolly as mentioned above (Hello, Dolly! to put in properly) is running July 30, 31st and August 1-4 at Woodland Park in Farmington UT. It's an outside show, so come prepared with a blanket or a lawn chair, I think entrance is $5 and it starts at 7pm or something like that. I don't really know, I just show up for the rehearsals :)
I have decided that my body solidly protests losing weight, and I will always be a mildly overweight slightly pretty girl. I have worked out for 2 weeks and eaten healthy and all I have succeeded in doing is gaining 3 lbs. I can do that when I'm sitting on my butt doing nothing so lets see, to work out or not to work out... Options here seem to be pointing on not working out. Life is unfair in that way, I'm going to keep running and stuff for another two weeks and see if I get any results.
The Aurora, CO theatre shooting just happened, and that's scary. I was at the midnight showing of the same movie in a theatre far away, and it's just surreal to me. I have friends that live in Denver and Aurora, so luckily no one I knew was there at that time.
I say theatre because that's the proper theatre way to say theatre. Don't mess with me on this.
Finally, if you love someone, is that enough? I mean, say you really really really loved someone, but there were certain differences in your belief and wants out of life that were keeping you apart. And say that other person broke promises to you. Is love enough to fix all of that? I don't know, I actually don't think so, it's like love taunts me saying, "Look, you were happy and sad and stressed all at the same time, want to be that way forever?" Not really. If this is about you, I'm rambling, it's nice to say something and have fictional people listen. (nobody reads this blog anyway)
So yeah, that's my thoughts for today. Sorry for anything depressing, comments on working out, how to create more hours in a day, hair, theatre shows, and love are all appreciated. Comments on politics not so much. Thanks!
It's summer, and I'm working a lot and trying to fit vacation in. I have a lot of things I want to do like get in shape, learn to sing well, act, and write a book. I have come to the conclusion though that only rich people can do everything they want to do, because 90% of my time is at work or asleep, I don't really have a social life except for a few activities if I can manage to squeeze them in and people I talk to on the phone or Skype.
Thinking about dying my hair pink again, I had pink streaks before and I think I want a few more after my show, Hello Dolly gets done. It will be fun to try again anyway!
My show, Hello Dolly as mentioned above (Hello, Dolly! to put in properly) is running July 30, 31st and August 1-4 at Woodland Park in Farmington UT. It's an outside show, so come prepared with a blanket or a lawn chair, I think entrance is $5 and it starts at 7pm or something like that. I don't really know, I just show up for the rehearsals :)
I have decided that my body solidly protests losing weight, and I will always be a mildly overweight slightly pretty girl. I have worked out for 2 weeks and eaten healthy and all I have succeeded in doing is gaining 3 lbs. I can do that when I'm sitting on my butt doing nothing so lets see, to work out or not to work out... Options here seem to be pointing on not working out. Life is unfair in that way, I'm going to keep running and stuff for another two weeks and see if I get any results.
The Aurora, CO theatre shooting just happened, and that's scary. I was at the midnight showing of the same movie in a theatre far away, and it's just surreal to me. I have friends that live in Denver and Aurora, so luckily no one I knew was there at that time.
I say theatre because that's the proper theatre way to say theatre. Don't mess with me on this.
Finally, if you love someone, is that enough? I mean, say you really really really loved someone, but there were certain differences in your belief and wants out of life that were keeping you apart. And say that other person broke promises to you. Is love enough to fix all of that? I don't know, I actually don't think so, it's like love taunts me saying, "Look, you were happy and sad and stressed all at the same time, want to be that way forever?" Not really. If this is about you, I'm rambling, it's nice to say something and have fictional people listen. (nobody reads this blog anyway)
So yeah, that's my thoughts for today. Sorry for anything depressing, comments on working out, how to create more hours in a day, hair, theatre shows, and love are all appreciated. Comments on politics not so much. Thanks!
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