I thought I would share some gems of marriage advice I've gotten in the last two months. Some good and some bad, all of it kind of hilarious. Enjoy.
-Marriage is about vengeance. Sweet, sweet vengeance.
-Make sure that you let them know who's boss right away, and never let them forget it.
-Put a bunch of marbles in the freezer and when they're not waking up go get those marbles and toss them into the bed. They'll sink to the lowest point...namely their butt/side/face/warm parts.
-You're letting him pick what the groomsmen are wearing? How cute.
-Say something nice to them every single day, whether you feel like it or not.
-Make sure you get him to the doctors office every year, that way you know when he's going to die and you can help the process along.
-Support him and his dreams, don't crush them for a false sense of security. Be willing to take leaps with him and make sure that he'll support your dreams too.
-You think you're going to be sleeping in the same bed every night? You're so naive.
-Wake him up by running your fingers through his hair. It's really gentle and he'll love it.
-Find someone else to confide in, that way you don't annoy him with all your talking and ideas and complaints about life.
-You're going to get pregnant later this year right? Make sure he has a good job so he can support you and the baby.
-Name your first baby Stormageddon, then everyone will know how much of a Doctor Who fan you are.
Moral of the story, most people mean well, but everything should be taken with a grain of salt. Don't let people offend you, but instead think of the advice as a peek into their lives and mindsets. :)
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Relationship Advice: According to the Internet
When I have a question, I invariably turn to our favorite all-knowing pal, Google, to get it answered. Its the way things are done, and even if Google does fib on occasion (cotton ball fibers are NOT good for lengthening eyelashes), I still go back like an addict the next time I need a hit of information.
However, Google's relationship advice is some of the weirdest, most useless info that I have ever encountered. I blame Google instead if the various sites it spits out because Google is the one that leads me there. Sifting to page two is never an option, because Google becomes super- shady and weird the second you mix page two of the search results with relationship advice.
So, without further ado, I present to you Relationship Advice; According to Google. Cringe and enjoy.
If you want to attract a Man, wear perfume. Preferably lavender and pumpkin. Because those scents together make a guy sleepy and hungry for pumpkin pie. And everyone knows dousing yourself in weird smell combinations will disguise your penchant for eating garlic.
To be the most Romantic guy EVAR, make sure you surprise her. A lot. Like with a mariachi band. In the morning. To wake up to. What is more romantic than that?
If you want your guy to be passionate about you, wear the color Red. Because men are like bulls and will run at the color red indiscriminately. Who knows, if you wear enough red you may get men to actually run you over in the streets. Let's hope you have good medical insurance.
Women actually aren't afraid of aggression in men. Really? Whew, I was worried about that for a minute. Nice to know I'm actually not afraid of the Chris Brown types in this world, what I'm REALLY worried about is a man losing his masculinity and lots of other psychobabble that really means that I want guys to be MORE aggressive. Thanks, never would have known what I actually wanted without you telling me! How like a woman.
If you want to get your boyfriend to stop ignoring you and taking you for granted, start ignoring him. Really! Start ignoring phone calls, texts, never text him back in any reasonable length of time. Take a holiday without him for crying out loud. Definitely start texting and talking to your old flings, that'll go over really well and make him super jealous. Be busy and don't make time for him, that'll show him!
If you want your girlfriend to feel loved, buy her things and smile at her creepily! Everyone knows the way to a woman's heart is only by how much money you have, so buy her things. All the things. Even the stupid things, just make sure they are girly and kind of cute. This link even has the pictures, so enjoy! Oh, and also, don't be a man-whore and time your compliments. Only one every 30 minutes or so, or she'll think you've gone overboard. She might even be scared away when you combine it with your creepy smile. (Seriously, just click on this link for the illustrations, it'll teach you everything you need to know.)
Hope you enjoy, I'm kinda fed up with all the crazy relationship advice out there. If you really want some crazy stuff, wade through Yahoo's Answers pages, or go to Cosmo online. In my opinion, the best thing to do is to NOT listen to most of the advice online, but that's just my advice. Online.
#forwhatit'sworth
However, Google's relationship advice is some of the weirdest, most useless info that I have ever encountered. I blame Google instead if the various sites it spits out because Google is the one that leads me there. Sifting to page two is never an option, because Google becomes super- shady and weird the second you mix page two of the search results with relationship advice.
So, without further ado, I present to you Relationship Advice; According to Google. Cringe and enjoy.
If you want to attract a Man, wear perfume. Preferably lavender and pumpkin. Because those scents together make a guy sleepy and hungry for pumpkin pie. And everyone knows dousing yourself in weird smell combinations will disguise your penchant for eating garlic.
To be the most Romantic guy EVAR, make sure you surprise her. A lot. Like with a mariachi band. In the morning. To wake up to. What is more romantic than that?
If you want your guy to be passionate about you, wear the color Red. Because men are like bulls and will run at the color red indiscriminately. Who knows, if you wear enough red you may get men to actually run you over in the streets. Let's hope you have good medical insurance.
Women actually aren't afraid of aggression in men. Really? Whew, I was worried about that for a minute. Nice to know I'm actually not afraid of the Chris Brown types in this world, what I'm REALLY worried about is a man losing his masculinity and lots of other psychobabble that really means that I want guys to be MORE aggressive. Thanks, never would have known what I actually wanted without you telling me! How like a woman.
If you want to get your boyfriend to stop ignoring you and taking you for granted, start ignoring him. Really! Start ignoring phone calls, texts, never text him back in any reasonable length of time. Take a holiday without him for crying out loud. Definitely start texting and talking to your old flings, that'll go over really well and make him super jealous. Be busy and don't make time for him, that'll show him!
If you want your girlfriend to feel loved, buy her things and smile at her creepily! Everyone knows the way to a woman's heart is only by how much money you have, so buy her things. All the things. Even the stupid things, just make sure they are girly and kind of cute. This link even has the pictures, so enjoy! Oh, and also, don't be a man-whore and time your compliments. Only one every 30 minutes or so, or she'll think you've gone overboard. She might even be scared away when you combine it with your creepy smile. (Seriously, just click on this link for the illustrations, it'll teach you everything you need to know.)
Hope you enjoy, I'm kinda fed up with all the crazy relationship advice out there. If you really want some crazy stuff, wade through Yahoo's Answers pages, or go to Cosmo online. In my opinion, the best thing to do is to NOT listen to most of the advice online, but that's just my advice. Online.
#forwhatit'sworth
Friday, March 21, 2014
Online and Social Media Dating: It's Exhausting
I decided to try online dating again.
Yes, again. I tried it out about a year ago and was met with mixed results. The bottom line became that I just wasn't into it and preferred to focus my social energy on my friend group. (And I went on a date with a guy who said he wanted to eat cats. Note: never EVER say that on a first date. Probably not on a fifth one either unless you're having a heart-to-heart about what lengths you would go to for survival. Not that your reason is you're curious about the taste. Just, ew.)
So I decided to try it again just to see. One reason was that I wanted to expand my range of meeting people. Two was that my BFF made me sign up and I didn't cancel the trial in time and now I'm stuck with a six-month membership. Well, if you're stuck with something you don't really want, you should use it? I guess?
Me: Hmm, a six-month membership. Really? What's the point?
My Brain: You might meet someone you like, remember how it worked for *Merida?
Me: Yeah? What about Velociraptor Man and Beard Dude? Or Zombie Girl and Bendy? Didn't work out for them!
My Brain: All of those people were and are acting within a social construct, meaning they're looking but not ready to accept love, which is why their relationships aren't working out-
Me: Shut up, I hate you.
My Brain: If you can't first love yourself then who will love you?
Me:...
My Brain: Point is, you should use the membership, really try, and see what happens.
Me: I take no responsibility for the fallout, got it?
My Brain: Fair enough.
Me: While we're talking, if you're so smart why am I not in a relationship yet?
My Brain: ....because...uh...you talk to yourself?
Me: .....oh yeah.
As you can tell I was off to a great start. So, despite inner turmoil I constructed a dating profile. I pulled some of my best pictures, a few of my not-so-great ones, and mixed them all together with a witty and compelling personal story to make readers interested in me as a person...
Welcome to my profile, be warned, if you spontaneously fall in love can't say that I didn't warn you! Okay, obnoxious tagline out of the way...
Well, maybe not as compelling as all that.
So, two months in, here's what I've found.
Online dating is, in a word, exhausting.
The sheer amount of profiles, the names and interests. The people that I message who don't message back. The people who message me that I refuse to message back. The people that message me on the same day ten other people message me and I simply don't have the time to go through them all. The weeks where no one messages me and where I go through loads of self-doubt and loathing. It all happens.
While I can't say I've found a relationship or even been on any dates yet, here's what I can say to those looking for advice, male or female. (If you don't want the advice then too bad, you're stuck reading this so ha! Wait, don't click out! Don't leave meeeee!)
1. Be interesting. Put something in your personal story that makes me smile, makes someone else smile, frown, laugh, basically anything more than...
"Hey, I'm new to this online thing but thought I'd give it a try! Haha. Don't know what else to say but yeah, I'm interested in a lot of things, message me if you want to know more!"
I mean, seriously? You're basically forcing me to make a decision on whether to talk to you off your pictures so you better hope you look like a freaking supermodel because I'm sure not talking to you for your amazing personality or way with words at this point. Tell me about your Doctor Who or Psych obsession. How you accidentally pantsed your sister at a football game once. On a scale of one to Heath Ledger as the Joker how much you love ice cream. Just pull a bit of your personality out and let it shine. Or sizzle. Or die like a sparkler on the 4th of July. Whatever, just say something!
2. Put up a Good Picture. Please. Don't leave your profile picture blank, otherwise I'm forced to assume you're a 57 year old pedophile who looks like Christopher Walken and sleeps with his mother's dead ashes at night.
3. Don't Take It Personally if They Don't Message You Back. Flipping to third person here, so you wrote a cute and flirty one-liner and sent it off. And...they never messaged you back. "What was wrong with that?" you cry in frustration. "Why don't the people I'm interested in get back to me?" Answer; they're busy. They got ten other messages that day. Their dog died. Reruns of The Office are on. Whatever, don't take it personally.
4. Do Take It Personally If They Don't Message You Back. All you did was send a smiley face and say "Hey."? Or, "Hey, I like your smile."? Don't do that. Don't be that person. Remember rule #1? Be interesting. If someone is forced to pick and choose who they interact with that day, they're going to pick the person who decided to tell them about how they went on a trip to Sochi. Or a trip to their backyard. Or how they pantsed their sister at a football game. Anything that is more interesting then a 'hey'. Take it personally and change what you're doing.
5. Look Within Your Age Range. Seriously, all you 35 year old males, there are tons of 35 year old women out there who love running marathons and cooking and would love to meet an attractive, smart male who is their age. What are you doing messaging me? Now I'm not ruling out that age differences can work. For example, Benedict Cumberbatch is 37 and I think we would work very well together. However, in online dating you need to be able to establish common ground, (any dating really) and at this point we grew up in different decades and didn't even watch the same cartoons! Oh, and all you 18-20 year olds who are messaging me, what are you thinking? I've got siblings your age and that's just weird.
Honestly, a large age difference can make it hard to connect with your partner. Relationships are based on common ground and mutual respect. If you're male, don't look beyond 5 or so years younger and most likely 2-3 years older. If you're female, 5 years or so older and 2-3 years younger. This is a maturity thing, and there's a reason the majority of people stay within this range. Age combinations other than this can work, but usually don't.
6. Have a Sense of Humor About It. Now, this isn't saying that you need to be funny. Just don't take it too seriously and be able to laugh at all the things that happen. For example, I got a message from a guy who told me instantly that he wanted to lock me up in his basement. Well, not really, here's the actual message:
Hello Dear,
How are you doing today?
I believe you are doing great!
I must confess,that your profile is simple and honest.Am confident that we are a great match.Hopefully you reply me to witness the birth of a wonderful,loving,caring and honest relationship that will last forever till death do us part.The Lord is our guide and protection.
Till I hear from you.
Stay blessed.
Yours,
*IGIVEOFFCREEPYVIBESWITHIN2SENTENCES
I heard once that you shouldn't be discouraged if you have stalkers or creepers. Just because they're stalkers doesn't mean they have bad taste! Roll with it, laugh, move on, and for heaven's sake don't message these ones back.
7. Look for A Connection Through Communication. In the end, we're all doing this so we can meet someone that we could spend the rest of our lives with. We've all got that common ground, so take that into account. When you're talking to someone, keep that in mind. Think about how hard this journey's been for you. It's been just as hard for them, if not harder. Make an effort to reach out, speak to the other person, and really connect. You'll be rewarded greatly, and the amount of effort you put in is what you'll get out of it.
That's all I've got to say. Looking through all the profiles and getting the constant rejection as well as the constant interaction is exhausting. You may think it's not worth it but in the end, you're learning something with each interaction, each date, and that helps get you one step closer to your goal in the end. So many people get burned out and swear off dating. Don't be that person, take a step back if you need to and enjoy the ride. Mr or Mrs right could be right around the corner, that next profile, and you wouldn't want to miss out! Besides, at the very least you'll get some good stories out of it.
*Notes: All names have been changed for privacy and comedy's sake. Also I've been away for awhile. Not really away, more like, just busy doing other stuff. If you want the end of the Sherlock story, message me. It was getting the lowest views so I stopped posting it. Can't promise I won't go away again, busy with school and work and such, also actually writing a book which takes up writing time, but anyway, hope you enjoyed the post!*
Yes, again. I tried it out about a year ago and was met with mixed results. The bottom line became that I just wasn't into it and preferred to focus my social energy on my friend group. (And I went on a date with a guy who said he wanted to eat cats. Note: never EVER say that on a first date. Probably not on a fifth one either unless you're having a heart-to-heart about what lengths you would go to for survival. Not that your reason is you're curious about the taste. Just, ew.)
So I decided to try it again just to see. One reason was that I wanted to expand my range of meeting people. Two was that my BFF made me sign up and I didn't cancel the trial in time and now I'm stuck with a six-month membership. Well, if you're stuck with something you don't really want, you should use it? I guess?
Me: Hmm, a six-month membership. Really? What's the point?
My Brain: You might meet someone you like, remember how it worked for *Merida?
Me: Yeah? What about Velociraptor Man and Beard Dude? Or Zombie Girl and Bendy? Didn't work out for them!
My Brain: All of those people were and are acting within a social construct, meaning they're looking but not ready to accept love, which is why their relationships aren't working out-
Me: Shut up, I hate you.
My Brain: If you can't first love yourself then who will love you?
Me:...
My Brain: Point is, you should use the membership, really try, and see what happens.
Me: I take no responsibility for the fallout, got it?
My Brain: Fair enough.
Me: While we're talking, if you're so smart why am I not in a relationship yet?
My Brain: ....because...uh...you talk to yourself?
Me: .....oh yeah.
As you can tell I was off to a great start. So, despite inner turmoil I constructed a dating profile. I pulled some of my best pictures, a few of my not-so-great ones, and mixed them all together with a witty and compelling personal story to make readers interested in me as a person...
Welcome to my profile, be warned, if you spontaneously fall in love can't say that I didn't warn you! Okay, obnoxious tagline out of the way...
Well, maybe not as compelling as all that.
So, two months in, here's what I've found.
Online dating is, in a word, exhausting.
The sheer amount of profiles, the names and interests. The people that I message who don't message back. The people who message me that I refuse to message back. The people that message me on the same day ten other people message me and I simply don't have the time to go through them all. The weeks where no one messages me and where I go through loads of self-doubt and loathing. It all happens.
While I can't say I've found a relationship or even been on any dates yet, here's what I can say to those looking for advice, male or female. (If you don't want the advice then too bad, you're stuck reading this so ha! Wait, don't click out! Don't leave meeeee!)
1. Be interesting. Put something in your personal story that makes me smile, makes someone else smile, frown, laugh, basically anything more than...
"Hey, I'm new to this online thing but thought I'd give it a try! Haha. Don't know what else to say but yeah, I'm interested in a lot of things, message me if you want to know more!"
I mean, seriously? You're basically forcing me to make a decision on whether to talk to you off your pictures so you better hope you look like a freaking supermodel because I'm sure not talking to you for your amazing personality or way with words at this point. Tell me about your Doctor Who or Psych obsession. How you accidentally pantsed your sister at a football game once. On a scale of one to Heath Ledger as the Joker how much you love ice cream. Just pull a bit of your personality out and let it shine. Or sizzle. Or die like a sparkler on the 4th of July. Whatever, just say something!
2. Put up a Good Picture. Please. Don't leave your profile picture blank, otherwise I'm forced to assume you're a 57 year old pedophile who looks like Christopher Walken and sleeps with his mother's dead ashes at night.
3. Don't Take It Personally if They Don't Message You Back. Flipping to third person here, so you wrote a cute and flirty one-liner and sent it off. And...they never messaged you back. "What was wrong with that?" you cry in frustration. "Why don't the people I'm interested in get back to me?" Answer; they're busy. They got ten other messages that day. Their dog died. Reruns of The Office are on. Whatever, don't take it personally.
4. Do Take It Personally If They Don't Message You Back. All you did was send a smiley face and say "Hey."? Or, "Hey, I like your smile."? Don't do that. Don't be that person. Remember rule #1? Be interesting. If someone is forced to pick and choose who they interact with that day, they're going to pick the person who decided to tell them about how they went on a trip to Sochi. Or a trip to their backyard. Or how they pantsed their sister at a football game. Anything that is more interesting then a 'hey'. Take it personally and change what you're doing.
5. Look Within Your Age Range. Seriously, all you 35 year old males, there are tons of 35 year old women out there who love running marathons and cooking and would love to meet an attractive, smart male who is their age. What are you doing messaging me? Now I'm not ruling out that age differences can work. For example, Benedict Cumberbatch is 37 and I think we would work very well together. However, in online dating you need to be able to establish common ground, (any dating really) and at this point we grew up in different decades and didn't even watch the same cartoons! Oh, and all you 18-20 year olds who are messaging me, what are you thinking? I've got siblings your age and that's just weird.
Honestly, a large age difference can make it hard to connect with your partner. Relationships are based on common ground and mutual respect. If you're male, don't look beyond 5 or so years younger and most likely 2-3 years older. If you're female, 5 years or so older and 2-3 years younger. This is a maturity thing, and there's a reason the majority of people stay within this range. Age combinations other than this can work, but usually don't.
6. Have a Sense of Humor About It. Now, this isn't saying that you need to be funny. Just don't take it too seriously and be able to laugh at all the things that happen. For example, I got a message from a guy who told me instantly that he wanted to lock me up in his basement. Well, not really, here's the actual message:
Hello Dear,
How are you doing today?
I believe you are doing great!
I must confess,that your profile is simple and honest.Am confident that we are a great match.Hopefully you reply me to witness the birth of a wonderful,loving,caring and honest relationship that will last forever till death do us part.The Lord is our guide and protection.
Till I hear from you.
Stay blessed.
Yours,
*IGIVEOFFCREEPYVIBESWITHIN2SENTENCES
I heard once that you shouldn't be discouraged if you have stalkers or creepers. Just because they're stalkers doesn't mean they have bad taste! Roll with it, laugh, move on, and for heaven's sake don't message these ones back.
7. Look for A Connection Through Communication. In the end, we're all doing this so we can meet someone that we could spend the rest of our lives with. We've all got that common ground, so take that into account. When you're talking to someone, keep that in mind. Think about how hard this journey's been for you. It's been just as hard for them, if not harder. Make an effort to reach out, speak to the other person, and really connect. You'll be rewarded greatly, and the amount of effort you put in is what you'll get out of it.
That's all I've got to say. Looking through all the profiles and getting the constant rejection as well as the constant interaction is exhausting. You may think it's not worth it but in the end, you're learning something with each interaction, each date, and that helps get you one step closer to your goal in the end. So many people get burned out and swear off dating. Don't be that person, take a step back if you need to and enjoy the ride. Mr or Mrs right could be right around the corner, that next profile, and you wouldn't want to miss out! Besides, at the very least you'll get some good stories out of it.
*Notes: All names have been changed for privacy and comedy's sake. Also I've been away for awhile. Not really away, more like, just busy doing other stuff. If you want the end of the Sherlock story, message me. It was getting the lowest views so I stopped posting it. Can't promise I won't go away again, busy with school and work and such, also actually writing a book which takes up writing time, but anyway, hope you enjoyed the post!*
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