To Name, Or Not To Name

(Disclaimer: I thought for a long time about actually posting this blog. It's a wee bit controversial, especially in the U.S., and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I really wanted to explore the reasons behind name changes and what that meant for me with marriage. I hope this is a little bit enlightening for all 17 of my readers.)

One of the scariest parts of marriage for me is the fact that I am expected to give up my last name. All growing up I was informed that that's "just how it happened." The girl gives up her last name and takes her husband's. It always seemed weird to me, and kind of wrong, the woman having to give up some of her identity get married. I thought that hopefully I'd come around when I found someone I wanted to marry. Then I found out that some people, and not just celebrities or established business-persons, don't take the husband's last name. And to me, that was like a ray of sunlight.

There's lots of reasons to both keep or change your last name. The reasons for changing can be as simple as hating the name you grew up with, to seeing that changing it made you a family and brought you both closer together. The reasons for keeping a maiden name are surprisingly similar. To quote Elliot from Scrubs, "But...his name is Dudemeister. I'd be Mrs. Dudemeister....I don't think I could take it." Add to that a lot of women have spent a lot of time building a professional career for themselves and have degrees with their maiden name on it. All those years of schooling and work for a name that is now moot?

Here's some statistics for you. Per Women's Health magazine, only about 10% of married women in the U.S. have kept their birth names. Another 6% choose to hyphenate. When polled about changing their names, many women said they did it because that's what they thought was expected. Speaking of expected, according to a Men's Health poll in 2014, 96.3% of men said they would refuse to take the woman's last name, (hypocrite much?) and 63.3% would be upset if the woman kept her birth name. Reasons range from thinking that she didn't value the marriage, that she was putting herself first, to feeling like they were being emasculated. That him taking her last name would be unmanly, and her not taking his name would detract from his masculinity. Theme much? Cutting through it all, it seems to me that men either feel she wasn't putting the relationship first, or that she was trying to undercut his manliness. These are valid ideas, however I'm going to throw a little more knowledge into the mix.

In countries where English is spoken, it is common for the woman to assume the husband's name upon marriage. This started in the U.K., and now extends to America, Australia, Pakistan, Gibraltar, Falkland Islands, Ireland, India, the Philippines, and English-speaking parts of Canada. Canada is a different case though, because of French influences. In British Columbia and Quebec, and new rule went into play in 1981 that made it technically illegal for women to change their last name upon marriage. This simply means that they have to go through a legal name change, and not just view the marriage certificate as legal proof of a different name. Makes it more equal and all. But, these countries are the only ones where this is the norm. Laying on some more knowledge:

Women in Greece, the Netherlands, Italy and France are required to keep their birth names, in Greece  and the Netherlands they can socially go by the husband's last name but officially keep their own last name.

Couples in Germany can adopt either name, there isn't a precedent for one or the other I found, they are working to make it more gender-equal.

In Japan couples have to pick one surname or the other. Typically the woman changes her last name, however if the wife's family is of higher status then the husband will take her last name.

In China and Korea the woman keeps her last name, as they view their names as handed down through tradition from their ancestors. The children typically inherit the husband's name.

So, if you consider the people who live in these countries, most women in the world don't change their last names. Asian countries typically have women keep their names due to heritage, and Western countries have been moving towards women keeping their names too. Countries that were heavily settled by England tend to expect women to change their names. How's that knowledge treating ya?


In light of all this, for some women it can be traumatic to change her name. Like I said, names describe who you are, hopefully you don't suddenly turn into a different person during marriage. Here's my personal opinion.

It's my name. It's been my name for years. My whole life in fact. It's something I'm proud of. In marriage, we are always told not to try and change the other person. Why change something so fundamental about your spouse, right from the get-go then?

Maybe I'm coming off as being fundamentally flawed, you know, like those people who argue that the Holocaust never happened and Anne Frank was a myth. But still, something about keeping the fundamental integrity of my name to myself kind of resonates with me.

I don't think all women should be required to keep their own name, nor do I think all women should be required to change it. I like the laws how they are, change them if you want, hyphenate if you want, change his name, or change both. The married couple should take a look at the business of last names and have a discussion on it, rather than just expecting that one or the other is going to happen. Plus, a marriage isn't based on names, despite what some people might argue. A marriage is based on thoughts and actions and words and deeds. My name doesn't detract from my commitment level.

For me, the jury is still out. I love my fiance, and his last name is fine. It would socially be easier, if more difficult professionally to make the change. I have 2 months until we go get that marriage certificate though, hopefully by then I'll have an answer.

P.S.
Men, I don't understand why so many of you are so dead set against even considering changing your last name. If nothing else, consider this. By getting married, you will live 3-5 years longer thanks to your wife. In comparison, getting married will shave 3-5 years OFF her life. Just consider it.

Online and Social Media Dating: It's Exhausting

I decided to try online dating again.

Yes, again. I tried it out about a year ago and was met with mixed results. The bottom line became that I just wasn't into it and preferred to focus my social energy on my friend group. (And I went on a date with a guy who said he wanted to eat cats. Note: never EVER say that on a first date. Probably not on a fifth one either unless you're having a heart-to-heart about what lengths you would go to for survival. Not that your reason is you're curious about the taste. Just, ew.)

So I decided to try it again just to see. One reason was that I wanted to expand my range of meeting people. Two was that my BFF made me sign up and I didn't cancel the trial in time and now I'm stuck with a six-month membership. Well, if you're stuck with something you don't really want, you should use it? I guess?

Me: Hmm, a six-month membership. Really? What's the point?
My Brain: You might meet someone you like, remember how it worked for *Merida?
Me: Yeah? What about Velociraptor Man and Beard Dude? Or Zombie Girl and Bendy? Didn't work out for them!
My Brain: All of those people were and are acting within a social construct, meaning they're looking but not ready to accept love, which is why their relationships aren't working out-
Me: Shut up, I hate you.
My Brain: If you can't first love yourself then who will love you?
Me:...
My Brain: Point is, you should use the membership, really try, and see what happens.
Me: I take no responsibility for the fallout, got it?
My Brain: Fair enough.
Me: While we're talking, if you're so smart why am I not in a relationship yet?
My Brain: ....because...uh...you talk to yourself?
Me: .....oh yeah.

As you can tell I was off to a great start. So, despite inner turmoil I constructed a dating profile. I pulled some of my best pictures, a few of my not-so-great ones, and mixed them all together with a witty and compelling personal story to make readers interested in me as a person...
     Welcome to my profile, be warned, if you spontaneously fall in love can't say that I didn't warn you! Okay, obnoxious tagline out of the way...
Well, maybe not as compelling as all that.

So, two months in, here's what I've found.

Online dating is, in a word, exhausting.

The sheer amount of profiles, the names and interests. The people that I message who don't message back. The people who message me that I refuse to message back. The people that message me on the same day ten other people message me and I simply don't have the time to go through them all. The weeks where no one messages me and where I go through loads of self-doubt and loathing. It all happens.

While I can't say I've found a relationship or even been on any dates yet, here's what I can say to those looking for advice, male or female. (If you don't want the advice then too bad, you're stuck reading this so ha! Wait, don't click out! Don't leave meeeee!)

1. Be interesting. Put something in your personal story that makes me smile, makes someone else smile, frown, laugh, basically anything more than...
          "Hey, I'm new to this online thing but thought I'd give it a try! Haha. Don't know what else to say but yeah, I'm interested in a lot of things, message me if you want to know more!"
          I mean, seriously? You're basically forcing me to make a decision on whether to talk to you off your pictures so you better hope you look like a freaking supermodel because I'm sure not talking to you for your amazing personality or way with words at this point. Tell me about your Doctor Who or Psych obsession. How you accidentally pantsed your sister at a football game once. On a scale of one to Heath Ledger as the Joker how much you love ice cream. Just pull a bit of your personality out and let it shine. Or sizzle. Or die like a sparkler on the 4th of July. Whatever, just say something!

2. Put up a Good Picture. Please. Don't leave your profile picture blank, otherwise I'm forced to assume you're a 57 year old pedophile who looks like Christopher Walken and sleeps with his mother's dead ashes at night.

3. Don't Take It Personally if They Don't Message You Back. Flipping to third person here, so you wrote a cute and flirty one-liner and sent it off. And...they never messaged you back. "What was wrong with that?" you cry in frustration. "Why don't the people I'm interested in get back to me?" Answer; they're busy. They got ten other messages that day. Their dog died. Reruns of The Office are on. Whatever, don't take it personally.

4. Do Take It Personally If They Don't Message You Back. All you did was send a smiley face and say "Hey."? Or, "Hey, I like your smile."? Don't do that. Don't be that person. Remember rule #1? Be interesting. If someone is forced to pick and choose who they interact with that day, they're going to pick the person who decided to tell them about how they went on a trip to Sochi. Or a trip to their backyard. Or how they pantsed their sister at a football game. Anything that is more interesting then a 'hey'. Take it personally and change what you're doing.

5. Look Within Your Age Range. Seriously, all you 35 year old males, there are tons of 35 year old women out there who love running marathons and cooking and would love to meet an attractive, smart male who is their age. What are you doing messaging me? Now I'm not ruling out that age differences can work. For example, Benedict Cumberbatch is 37 and I think we would work very well together. However, in online dating you need to be able to establish common ground, (any dating really) and at this point we grew up in different decades and didn't even watch the same cartoons! Oh, and all you 18-20 year olds who are messaging me, what are you thinking? I've got siblings your age and that's just weird.
          Honestly, a large age difference can make it hard to connect with your partner. Relationships are based on common ground and mutual respect. If you're male, don't look beyond 5 or so years younger and most likely 2-3 years older. If you're female, 5 years or so older and 2-3 years younger. This is a maturity thing, and there's a reason the majority of people stay within this range. Age combinations other than this can work, but usually don't.

6. Have a Sense of Humor About It. Now, this isn't saying that you need to be funny. Just don't take it too seriously and be able to laugh at all the things that happen. For example, I got a message from a guy who told me instantly that he wanted to lock me up in his basement. Well, not really, here's the actual message:
Hello Dear,
How are you doing today?
I believe you are doing great!
I must confess,that your profile is simple and honest.Am confident that we are a great match.Hopefully you reply me to witness the birth of a wonderful,loving,caring and honest relationship that will last forever till death do us part.The Lord is our guide and protection.
Till I hear from you.
Stay blessed.
Yours,
*IGIVEOFFCREEPYVIBESWITHIN2SENTENCES

I heard once that you shouldn't be discouraged if you have stalkers or creepers. Just because they're stalkers doesn't mean they have bad taste! Roll with it, laugh, move on, and for heaven's sake don't message these ones back.

7. Look for A Connection Through Communication. In the end, we're all doing this so we can meet someone that we could spend the rest of our lives with. We've all got that common ground, so take that into account. When you're talking to someone, keep that in mind. Think about how hard this journey's been for you. It's been just as hard for them, if not harder. Make an effort to reach out, speak to the other person, and really connect. You'll be rewarded greatly, and the amount of effort you put in is what you'll get out of it.


That's all I've got to say. Looking through all the profiles and getting the constant rejection as well as the constant interaction is exhausting. You may think it's not worth it but in the end, you're learning something with each interaction, each date, and that helps get you one step closer to your goal in the end. So many people get burned out and swear off dating. Don't be that person, take a step back if you need to and enjoy the ride. Mr or Mrs right could be right around the corner, that next profile, and you wouldn't want to miss out! Besides, at the very least you'll get some good stories out of it.

*Notes: All names have been changed for privacy and comedy's sake. Also I've been away for awhile. Not really away, more like, just busy doing other stuff. If you want the end of the Sherlock story, message me. It was getting the lowest views so I stopped posting it. Can't promise I won't go away again, busy with school and work and such, also actually writing a book which takes up writing time, but anyway, hope you enjoyed the post!*