Misread Signals

Waiting and watching, biding the time.
The view seemed clear through smoked glass, thought of as mine.
Whispering, wanted, pained recognition,
that the signs were wrong, listened to admonitions.

Frustrations abound, things done wrong.
Mistakes made, doors shut, waited too long.
Now the path is uncertain, clouds block the view
the glass fogs up, left without a clue.

Patterns repeated, crying in the dark,
waiting and watching for that effervescent spark.
Perhaps it is there, but how to tell?
Lines of communication, shattered, fell.

A glorious time is awaited, coming,
Flying to replace walking, running, shunning.
Not to be viewed through this cloudy sphere,
waiting to be release in the absence of fear.

Unclear now, but waiting, progressing,
to use tools without fear of regressing.
Move forward without, waiting no longer
for if the door is shut, beating won't make me stronger

You Are What You Think

I've stumbled on something that I think is quite brilliant. It's one of those things people tell you a million times, but until it actually clicks with you it doesn't mean anything. Focusing on the positive will literally change your life. Let me explain:

I can eat it! Om nom nom nom!!!!

Hillary Weeks once did an experiment where she decided to count all the negative thoughts in her life. She did that for a week, and became rather depressed. Go figure. She then decided to count all the positive thoughts she had in her life, and suddenly things were so much better. I've linked the YouTube video so you can see it for yourself; but the point is that what you focus on becomes the center of your life.

Another story. There was once an Indian chief who was speaking with his grandson. He told him, "My heart has two wolves fighting inside me, one is good and the other is evil." The grandson asked, "Who will win?" The chief replied, "Whichever one I feed." I've paraphrased the story, but can you feel the power of that statement? Whichever one I feed. I've heard John Bytheway tell this story, as well as many others, and I cannot believe how it hits me every time I hear it.

In life, we have the power to give credence to either the good or the bad, the positive or the negative in our lives. In my previous post, I talked about this a little, but the negative can overwhelm us if we give it too much power, or even thought. Now, I know I've already gone on about this, but we were having a Relief Society lesson taught by our bishop today and we focused a lot on the power of thoughts. The lesson was on a different, rather personal subject but what I pulled from it is that our thoughts have the power to make or to break us, and if we choose to focus on the negative we bring ourselves down, and on the positive we pull ourselves up.

Here's my personal example. Today I was feeling sorry for myself. You know, the whole no car, no job, no money, can't do anything stuff. Then I had the thought, "This is pathetic, things aren't all bad, I mean, I'm not homeless so I've got to have some good things going for me, right?" Then I started to try and name them. It was actually really hard to pull myself out of the negative rut. I finally got myself thinking, "Okay, I've got a warm room... but it's not mine. No, that's not the point, I've got a warm room to stay in and a soft bed. That's a good thing." After that, it started getting easier. I have a fun class I'm taking, a grandma that loves me, parents that care, a brother that actually calls frequently, a best friend that let me borrow a car, another best friend I can talk to, an improv troupe that I feel welcome in and that I'm making friends with, and job interviews and cool socks and a caring bishop and the list went on from there.

After I started thinking about it, there was so much to be thankful for. It really turned my day around. I could focus on everything that's going wrong right now (no car, job, money, boyfriend, ect) but by focusing on the good my life seems so much more open. The possibilities become endless, and I feel like I can accomplish things. That feeling is more important than anything, because when I'm stuck in a pit of depression I don't want to do or try anything. On the other hand, when I turn that around it's like I've got wings. Life may not be perfect, but it is good. It just depends on which side of it you look at.

Saga of the Car-less

It has been 1 month since my car died. When I say died, I mean that the engine totally seized up and needed to be entirely replaced. The cost would have been about 4 times more than the car was worth sooooo.......scrap heap for little neon.

Pictured: Not my car

As I was watching my little car get towed away a few thoughts went through my head. One was, "Oh, I forgot to take the steering wheel cover off." Another was that, "Great, it's like my best friend actually died." The reality was that I didn't have a job because I'd quit to go back to school. However, school had fallen through due to financial difficulties, (except for one class) and now I didn't even have a car. So, no money, no car, no classes, and no job.

Those of you who regularly get along without cars are probably going to laugh, but one thing that set in right away was a feeling of severe limitation in regards to my lifestyle. I was used to taking myself places, and now  it because a huge deal just to get myself to the store. I refused to be a mooch so I wouldn't ask for rides anywhere, just stayed home. It felt pretty awful.

One thing I decided was that being car-less gave me the right to mope. I figured, since I didn't have a car or a job, how could I be expected to really do anything? I lay around for about a week, moping and doing nothing other than the bare minimum. I applied for a few jobs, sure, but who would want to hire a car-less bum? Luckily, I still had one class to attend, and that finally got me moving. But I didn't have a car and how could anyone function without one?

Function I must soooo... I decided to learn to ride the bus. Disclaimer here, I absolutely hate the bus. It's loud, slow, smelly, and you have to share with other...interesting...people. On my first trip I got carsick (bus-sick?) and got left at the wrong stop. I had to wait an hour for the next bus, and then I got off a few stops too early by accident and ended up 3 miles from where I was supposed to be. At night. Alone. In the dark. With a heavy book bag. Luckily some random stranger rescued me after a mile of walking and drove me the rest of the way. The next time I had class I was able to figure it out and got off the bus in the correct spot at the correct time. I still hate the bus though.

After the bus, I discovered I could bike. Even if it was cold and winter, there are such inventions called a coat and gloves. I also discovered I could ask people for rides. Who'd have thought? Some will even go so far as to lend you their car for a trip. Weird, but people do a lot for a tank of gas these days.

Once I realized that there were other methods of transportation out there, I learned some interesting things. For one, it was pretty much my fault for feeling stuck, as there were plenty of options for travel that don't consist of you having your own, personal car. Second, people are actually quite nice and willing to help you out. Especially if you can be a bit flexible and provide good conversation. Third, I learned, and am still learning, patience. Also assertiveness. Last; if there's a will there's a way, and I'm darned if I haven't missed a single class even without a car. Late sure, but always there!

Pictured: My new car

I still don't have a car. But I'm getting by. I have been surprised by people's kindness and hope I can repay it someday. Not having a car is no excuse for not accomplishing something. I think that applies to pretty much everything in life. It's been hard for me to realize, it's easy to tell myself that I can mope around because I don't have a car or job and just wait for something to happen. That's not how life works though. Car-less, jobless, even money-less, you'll figure out what you need to progress if you can open your mind a bit and diligently work.

Hopefully soon I'll find a job and a dilapidated piece of junk that still works and can transport me. Until I do, I'll keep learning from this state of being. After all, not having a car is actually a perfect excuse to get that cute guy (or gal) to give you a ride :)