After tonight it's time for a change.
I had to help a patient currently on my floor down to the ER, where her husband suddenly passed away, then help her back to her cold hospital room. After her loving and worried family members all left, I was the only one there to comfort her, finish tucking her in, and turn off the lights. Worrying I checked up on her all night, she slept fitfully but managed a little rest.
Let's not forget the other mother I celebrated with as her son finally was able to drink chocolate milk after bouts of nausea for two days. Traumatic brain injury, it's unlikely he'll fully recover, requiring her to care for him for the rest of his probably very long life.
Another patient screaming with pain because the doctors hadn't yet released her meds after surgery. All I could do was assure her I would keep coming back. After two hours of that I managed to get around the orders with the help of a very caring nurse and get her the relief she needed.
Five dirty briefs, countless bathroom visits, one explosive case of vomiting, bladder scans and a foley bag. Turns, re-positioning, drinks of water, and reassurance.
Humans can only take so much of that before we crack.
There were a few victories. Peaceful sleep for my surgery patient. A new patient reassured and comfortable in his room. Guiding family members to another person who was thrilled beyond words to see them. The sweetest little lady in the world thanking me profusely for simply helping her get ready for bed.
I've seen completely incapacitated patients relearn to walk, liver transplants people who now have a new lease on life. Stroke patients miraculously recover, and even an engagement on my floor between some of the best people I know here at the hospital.
There is good, and there is sunshine.
Unfortunately with the dragging workload and the constant battle to keep ahead of my patient's needs is wearing me down. Nights like tonight make me feel broken and fragile.
I'm getting ready for a new life, and while I love helping people, making a difference, it becomes clearer day by day that there is only so much I can do. Sometimes to take care of others you have to take care of yourself first. So....
I applied for a part-time radio job. I'm re-looking into scuba lessons. I'm applying for nursing school to take the next step forward. I'm returning to the haunted house I love with the man I love the most tomorrow. And I'm cutting back at work. Hours-wise. I can take the small hit in paycheck, and I need the time to become the best version of myself I can be.
The Lord asks you to do all you can in service to others, it's up to you to try and understand when that limit has been reached, when you can say it's been enough. Or in my case, I just need to give a little less.
Friday, July 31, 2015
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Why I'm Getting Married
I realize I have posted a lot of negative stuff recently about marriage and all the stuff that goes along with it. Comments, money spent, personalities changed, that sort of stuff. So, in light of all that, here's going to be a post about all the reasons I'm excited to get married! It's a buttery, mushy post, be warned.
Why I'm Getting Married (To Ricky, duh)
1. Automatic bed warmer
2. Permanent cuddle buddy
3. Immediate expansion of my movie collection
4. Someone who will take out the trash for me
5. Travel partner
6. Expansion in my taste in music
7. Someone to come home to at night
8. Adventures. Lots and lots of adventures
9. Important stuff, i.e. bedroom stuff
10. Automatic reason to get out of doing things you don't want to (Gerald would be home alone so...)
11. Someone to miss you when you're gone
12. Another opinion on house/yard decorating
13. Easier to achieve goals with them/automatic cheerleader
14. Someone to stay in shape for
15. Second family
16. A whole other person with experiences and likes and dislikes to force you to grow and experience new things with them
17. A reason to move to California
18. Date night buddy
19. Plus one for weddings. Always
20. Two incomes
21. Someone to fight with over stuff and you know they'll always come back to you
22. An unwilling but forced participant in your April Fool's day pranks
23. Bodyguard for going through haunted houses
24. Reason to watch all my favorite action movies
25. Whole other set of experiences to enjoy life with (for example, our family pictures will always be classy and gorgeous)
26. Inside jokes for everything!
27. Wuv, twooo wuv, wiw fowwow woo, fowevaa....
27. Wuv, twooo wuv, wiw fowwow woo, fowevaa....
28. Someone that you love, who loves you back, who is there for you and has your back, even when you're wrong.
Love you, honey <3
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
To Name, Or Not To Name
(Disclaimer: I thought for a long time about actually posting this blog. It's a wee bit controversial, especially in the U.S., and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I really wanted to explore the reasons behind name changes and what that meant for me with marriage. I hope this is a little bit enlightening for all 17 of my readers.)
One of the scariest parts of marriage for me is the fact that I am expected to give up my last name. All growing up I was informed that that's "just how it happened." The girl gives up her last name and takes her husband's. It always seemed weird to me, and kind of wrong, the woman having to give up some of her identity get married. I thought that hopefully I'd come around when I found someone I wanted to marry. Then I found out that some people, and not just celebrities or established business-persons, don't take the husband's last name. And to me, that was like a ray of sunlight.
There's lots of reasons to both keep or change your last name. The reasons for changing can be as simple as hating the name you grew up with, to seeing that changing it made you a family and brought you both closer together. The reasons for keeping a maiden name are surprisingly similar. To quote Elliot from Scrubs, "But...his name is Dudemeister. I'd be Mrs. Dudemeister....I don't think I could take it." Add to that a lot of women have spent a lot of time building a professional career for themselves and have degrees with their maiden name on it. All those years of schooling and work for a name that is now moot?
Here's some statistics for you. Per Women's Health magazine, only about 10% of married women in the U.S. have kept their birth names. Another 6% choose to hyphenate. When polled about changing their names, many women said they did it because that's what they thought was expected. Speaking of expected, according to a Men's Health poll in 2014, 96.3% of men said they would refuse to take the woman's last name, (hypocrite much?) and 63.3% would be upset if the woman kept her birth name. Reasons range from thinking that she didn't value the marriage, that she was putting herself first, to feeling like they were being emasculated. That him taking her last name would be unmanly, and her not taking his name would detract from his masculinity. Theme much? Cutting through it all, it seems to me that men either feel she wasn't putting the relationship first, or that she was trying to undercut his manliness. These are valid ideas, however I'm going to throw a little more knowledge into the mix.
In countries where English is spoken, it is common for the woman to assume the husband's name upon marriage. This started in the U.K., and now extends to America, Australia, Pakistan, Gibraltar, Falkland Islands, Ireland, India, the Philippines, and English-speaking parts of Canada. Canada is a different case though, because of French influences. In British Columbia and Quebec, and new rule went into play in 1981 that made it technically illegal for women to change their last name upon marriage. This simply means that they have to go through a legal name change, and not just view the marriage certificate as legal proof of a different name. Makes it more equal and all. But, these countries are the only ones where this is the norm. Laying on some more knowledge:
Women in Greece, the Netherlands, Italy and France are required to keep their birth names, in Greece and the Netherlands they can socially go by the husband's last name but officially keep their own last name.
Couples in Germany can adopt either name, there isn't a precedent for one or the other I found, they are working to make it more gender-equal.
In Japan couples have to pick one surname or the other. Typically the woman changes her last name, however if the wife's family is of higher status then the husband will take her last name.
In China and Korea the woman keeps her last name, as they view their names as handed down through tradition from their ancestors. The children typically inherit the husband's name.
So, if you consider the people who live in these countries, most women in the world don't change their last names. Asian countries typically have women keep their names due to heritage, and Western countries have been moving towards women keeping their names too. Countries that were heavily settled by England tend to expect women to change their names. How's that knowledge treating ya?
In light of all this, for some women it can be traumatic to change her name. Like I said, names describe who you are, hopefully you don't suddenly turn into a different person during marriage. Here's my personal opinion.
It's my name. It's been my name for years. My whole life in fact. It's something I'm proud of. In marriage, we are always told not to try and change the other person. Why change something so fundamental about your spouse, right from the get-go then?
Maybe I'm coming off as being fundamentally flawed, you know, like those people who argue that the Holocaust never happened and Anne Frank was a myth. But still, something about keeping the fundamental integrity of my name to myself kind of resonates with me.
I don't think all women should be required to keep their own name, nor do I think all women should be required to change it. I like the laws how they are, change them if you want, hyphenate if you want, change his name, or change both. The married couple should take a look at the business of last names and have a discussion on it, rather than just expecting that one or the other is going to happen. Plus, a marriage isn't based on names, despite what some people might argue. A marriage is based on thoughts and actions and words and deeds. My name doesn't detract from my commitment level.
For me, the jury is still out. I love my fiance, and his last name is fine. It would socially be easier, if more difficult professionally to make the change. I have 2 months until we go get that marriage certificate though, hopefully by then I'll have an answer.
P.S.
Men, I don't understand why so many of you are so dead set against even considering changing your last name. If nothing else, consider this. By getting married, you will live 3-5 years longer thanks to your wife. In comparison, getting married will shave 3-5 years OFF her life. Just consider it.
One of the scariest parts of marriage for me is the fact that I am expected to give up my last name. All growing up I was informed that that's "just how it happened." The girl gives up her last name and takes her husband's. It always seemed weird to me, and kind of wrong, the woman having to give up some of her identity get married. I thought that hopefully I'd come around when I found someone I wanted to marry. Then I found out that some people, and not just celebrities or established business-persons, don't take the husband's last name. And to me, that was like a ray of sunlight.
There's lots of reasons to both keep or change your last name. The reasons for changing can be as simple as hating the name you grew up with, to seeing that changing it made you a family and brought you both closer together. The reasons for keeping a maiden name are surprisingly similar. To quote Elliot from Scrubs, "But...his name is Dudemeister. I'd be Mrs. Dudemeister....I don't think I could take it." Add to that a lot of women have spent a lot of time building a professional career for themselves and have degrees with their maiden name on it. All those years of schooling and work for a name that is now moot?
Here's some statistics for you. Per Women's Health magazine, only about 10% of married women in the U.S. have kept their birth names. Another 6% choose to hyphenate. When polled about changing their names, many women said they did it because that's what they thought was expected. Speaking of expected, according to a Men's Health poll in 2014, 96.3% of men said they would refuse to take the woman's last name, (hypocrite much?) and 63.3% would be upset if the woman kept her birth name. Reasons range from thinking that she didn't value the marriage, that she was putting herself first, to feeling like they were being emasculated. That him taking her last name would be unmanly, and her not taking his name would detract from his masculinity. Theme much? Cutting through it all, it seems to me that men either feel she wasn't putting the relationship first, or that she was trying to undercut his manliness. These are valid ideas, however I'm going to throw a little more knowledge into the mix.
In countries where English is spoken, it is common for the woman to assume the husband's name upon marriage. This started in the U.K., and now extends to America, Australia, Pakistan, Gibraltar, Falkland Islands, Ireland, India, the Philippines, and English-speaking parts of Canada. Canada is a different case though, because of French influences. In British Columbia and Quebec, and new rule went into play in 1981 that made it technically illegal for women to change their last name upon marriage. This simply means that they have to go through a legal name change, and not just view the marriage certificate as legal proof of a different name. Makes it more equal and all. But, these countries are the only ones where this is the norm. Laying on some more knowledge:
Women in Greece, the Netherlands, Italy and France are required to keep their birth names, in Greece and the Netherlands they can socially go by the husband's last name but officially keep their own last name.
Couples in Germany can adopt either name, there isn't a precedent for one or the other I found, they are working to make it more gender-equal.
In Japan couples have to pick one surname or the other. Typically the woman changes her last name, however if the wife's family is of higher status then the husband will take her last name.
In China and Korea the woman keeps her last name, as they view their names as handed down through tradition from their ancestors. The children typically inherit the husband's name.
So, if you consider the people who live in these countries, most women in the world don't change their last names. Asian countries typically have women keep their names due to heritage, and Western countries have been moving towards women keeping their names too. Countries that were heavily settled by England tend to expect women to change their names. How's that knowledge treating ya?
In light of all this, for some women it can be traumatic to change her name. Like I said, names describe who you are, hopefully you don't suddenly turn into a different person during marriage. Here's my personal opinion.
It's my name. It's been my name for years. My whole life in fact. It's something I'm proud of. In marriage, we are always told not to try and change the other person. Why change something so fundamental about your spouse, right from the get-go then?
Maybe I'm coming off as being fundamentally flawed, you know, like those people who argue that the Holocaust never happened and Anne Frank was a myth. But still, something about keeping the fundamental integrity of my name to myself kind of resonates with me.
I don't think all women should be required to keep their own name, nor do I think all women should be required to change it. I like the laws how they are, change them if you want, hyphenate if you want, change his name, or change both. The married couple should take a look at the business of last names and have a discussion on it, rather than just expecting that one or the other is going to happen. Plus, a marriage isn't based on names, despite what some people might argue. A marriage is based on thoughts and actions and words and deeds. My name doesn't detract from my commitment level.
For me, the jury is still out. I love my fiance, and his last name is fine. It would socially be easier, if more difficult professionally to make the change. I have 2 months until we go get that marriage certificate though, hopefully by then I'll have an answer.
P.S.
Men, I don't understand why so many of you are so dead set against even considering changing your last name. If nothing else, consider this. By getting married, you will live 3-5 years longer thanks to your wife. In comparison, getting married will shave 3-5 years OFF her life. Just consider it.
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Of Mawwage and Mice, and also Advice
I thought I would share some gems of marriage advice I've gotten in the last two months. Some good and some bad, all of it kind of hilarious. Enjoy.
-Marriage is about vengeance. Sweet, sweet vengeance.
-Make sure that you let them know who's boss right away, and never let them forget it.
-Put a bunch of marbles in the freezer and when they're not waking up go get those marbles and toss them into the bed. They'll sink to the lowest point...namely their butt/side/face/warm parts.
-You're letting him pick what the groomsmen are wearing? How cute.
-Say something nice to them every single day, whether you feel like it or not.
-Make sure you get him to the doctors office every year, that way you know when he's going to die and you can help the process along.
-Support him and his dreams, don't crush them for a false sense of security. Be willing to take leaps with him and make sure that he'll support your dreams too.
-You think you're going to be sleeping in the same bed every night? You're so naive.
-Wake him up by running your fingers through his hair. It's really gentle and he'll love it.
-Find someone else to confide in, that way you don't annoy him with all your talking and ideas and complaints about life.
-You're going to get pregnant later this year right? Make sure he has a good job so he can support you and the baby.
-Name your first baby Stormageddon, then everyone will know how much of a Doctor Who fan you are.
Moral of the story, most people mean well, but everything should be taken with a grain of salt. Don't let people offend you, but instead think of the advice as a peek into their lives and mindsets. :)
-Marriage is about vengeance. Sweet, sweet vengeance.
-Make sure that you let them know who's boss right away, and never let them forget it.
-Put a bunch of marbles in the freezer and when they're not waking up go get those marbles and toss them into the bed. They'll sink to the lowest point...namely their butt/side/face/warm parts.
-You're letting him pick what the groomsmen are wearing? How cute.
-Say something nice to them every single day, whether you feel like it or not.
-Make sure you get him to the doctors office every year, that way you know when he's going to die and you can help the process along.
-Support him and his dreams, don't crush them for a false sense of security. Be willing to take leaps with him and make sure that he'll support your dreams too.
-You think you're going to be sleeping in the same bed every night? You're so naive.
-Wake him up by running your fingers through his hair. It's really gentle and he'll love it.
-Find someone else to confide in, that way you don't annoy him with all your talking and ideas and complaints about life.
-You're going to get pregnant later this year right? Make sure he has a good job so he can support you and the baby.
-Name your first baby Stormageddon, then everyone will know how much of a Doctor Who fan you are.
Moral of the story, most people mean well, but everything should be taken with a grain of salt. Don't let people offend you, but instead think of the advice as a peek into their lives and mindsets. :)
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Congrats, You're Engaged! Now Let's Tear That Down!
Here's part two of the previous blog. I have only been engaged for 6 weeks, and yet I've been exposed to some pretty terrible things people who should know better have said. Things people say to try and remind you how awful it is now that you're engaged to someone. Because, ya know, being engaged, the precursor to pledging to spend your life with someone is just so terrible and should be avoided at all costs.
So, this will probably be a mushy post, with a bit more aggressiveness than my last one. If you don't want mushy, go read about the war or something. Fair's fair though, I keep seeing all the passive aggressive posts where people whine about how everyone is getting engaged and having babies and how that's just TERRIBLE and ruining their day every time they see that. (The deeper question is, why? But that's another topic.) So, passive aggressiveness aside, here's some mushy aggressiveness about what you should really never say to engaged people. Because really, you're just trying to tear down their relationship. And that's meaner than kicking a kid's sandcastle.
You're going to have to marry that.
Well, yeah. Duh. That was kind of the whole point. Usually said when fiance does something funny or weird. This phrase tears down the person of your affections to a mere object, and that's not funny. I'm marrying a person, not a box of cereal. It also says that you're probably making a mistake, look how weird they are. I used to just laugh it off, but that's not ok anymore. Laughing it off is tantamount to agreeing with what that person just said. "Haha, yeah, I'm marrying that, poor me." Really though, what I've found works best is when you hear this phrase, you wrap your arms around your significant other, plant a big kiss on their face and say, "And I can't believe how lucky I am!" Usually people saying this are just trying to be funny, and I understand that for certain cases. Others of you though, should definitely know better.
We never get to hang out anymore, and I always feel like a third wheel.
Am I marrying you? No, get used to it. I really am trying to keep up my other relationships. I love friends, and I love going out and partying. Or at least having people over to watch movies. I know I always invite my fiance along. No he doesn't always come, but do you want me to purposely leave him out? He's my most favorite person in the whole world, so unless we specifically plan a girl's night. I'll be inviting him too. And because I'm a nice person, I'll bring along another third wheel for you to hang with. They'll even be funny and moderately good looking. This statement tries to make you feel guilty for wanting to spend time with your significant other. Why should you though? Why would I be marrying someone I didn't want to spend time with? So excuse me, but no, you can't separate us.
You're going to get all fat and have a baby.
Um, what? First off, that's none of your business. I'll get fat and have a baby if I want to. Second off, how dare you imply what you're implying. The deeper meaning behind this is that they speaker is saying, "You're going to get overweight and out of shape because you'll get married and stop caring about your appearance anymore, and then you'll have a baby and your life will be ruined." That's a pretty hurtful comment to say to someone. Babies don't ruin lives, lack of willpower and caring does. Marriage won't break my will to live. If anything, this new journey has inspired me to try and be even better. I work out more now, I've lost weight, I've taken more care with my appearance. And as far as babies go, that's still none of your business. Also, since when did my appearance become the only thing that was important to me?
You're engaged? Why'd you go and do that?
Because I wanted to, because I want to spend the rest of my life with this person to the degree that no one else measures up. This statement again implies that being engaged is not a good thing to do, that pledging to live your life with someone is akin to a ball and chain rather than a step towards freedom. Seriously, someone to always have your back, to bail you out if you need it, to cuddle with at night? Yep, why would anyone ever want to go and do that?
So there you have it. Getting engaged is a little scary, it's hard when people poke those fears so they come out from under a rock and bite you in the tush. It also forces you to face them, so perhaps these passively hurtful comments are for a greater good, ya know? Still, don't say them to my face. I'll karate-chop you with my words.
So, this will probably be a mushy post, with a bit more aggressiveness than my last one. If you don't want mushy, go read about the war or something. Fair's fair though, I keep seeing all the passive aggressive posts where people whine about how everyone is getting engaged and having babies and how that's just TERRIBLE and ruining their day every time they see that. (The deeper question is, why? But that's another topic.) So, passive aggressiveness aside, here's some mushy aggressiveness about what you should really never say to engaged people. Because really, you're just trying to tear down their relationship. And that's meaner than kicking a kid's sandcastle.
You're going to have to marry that.
Well, yeah. Duh. That was kind of the whole point. Usually said when fiance does something funny or weird. This phrase tears down the person of your affections to a mere object, and that's not funny. I'm marrying a person, not a box of cereal. It also says that you're probably making a mistake, look how weird they are. I used to just laugh it off, but that's not ok anymore. Laughing it off is tantamount to agreeing with what that person just said. "Haha, yeah, I'm marrying that, poor me." Really though, what I've found works best is when you hear this phrase, you wrap your arms around your significant other, plant a big kiss on their face and say, "And I can't believe how lucky I am!" Usually people saying this are just trying to be funny, and I understand that for certain cases. Others of you though, should definitely know better.
We never get to hang out anymore, and I always feel like a third wheel.
Am I marrying you? No, get used to it. I really am trying to keep up my other relationships. I love friends, and I love going out and partying. Or at least having people over to watch movies. I know I always invite my fiance along. No he doesn't always come, but do you want me to purposely leave him out? He's my most favorite person in the whole world, so unless we specifically plan a girl's night. I'll be inviting him too. And because I'm a nice person, I'll bring along another third wheel for you to hang with. They'll even be funny and moderately good looking. This statement tries to make you feel guilty for wanting to spend time with your significant other. Why should you though? Why would I be marrying someone I didn't want to spend time with? So excuse me, but no, you can't separate us.
You're going to get all fat and have a baby.
Um, what? First off, that's none of your business. I'll get fat and have a baby if I want to. Second off, how dare you imply what you're implying. The deeper meaning behind this is that they speaker is saying, "You're going to get overweight and out of shape because you'll get married and stop caring about your appearance anymore, and then you'll have a baby and your life will be ruined." That's a pretty hurtful comment to say to someone. Babies don't ruin lives, lack of willpower and caring does. Marriage won't break my will to live. If anything, this new journey has inspired me to try and be even better. I work out more now, I've lost weight, I've taken more care with my appearance. And as far as babies go, that's still none of your business. Also, since when did my appearance become the only thing that was important to me?
You're engaged? Why'd you go and do that?
Because I wanted to, because I want to spend the rest of my life with this person to the degree that no one else measures up. This statement again implies that being engaged is not a good thing to do, that pledging to live your life with someone is akin to a ball and chain rather than a step towards freedom. Seriously, someone to always have your back, to bail you out if you need it, to cuddle with at night? Yep, why would anyone ever want to go and do that?
So there you have it. Getting engaged is a little scary, it's hard when people poke those fears so they come out from under a rock and bite you in the tush. It also forces you to face them, so perhaps these passively hurtful comments are for a greater good, ya know? Still, don't say them to my face. I'll karate-chop you with my words.
Monday, May 4, 2015
How People (Don't) React When You Get Engaged
So, you just got engaged! All the butterflies and wonderfulness are overwhelming your soul! Or you knew it was coming and you're like, FINALLY! Regardless of how you feel, your friends and relations tend to act in oddly specific, if unusual ways. There are things you'll hear over and over again, and things you'll hear only once but you'll always remember.
1. But...you're so young!
Yes, you are. But only you know your maturity level and whether or not you're ready to give up on single life and create another adventure. For me, I've been steadily dating around for 10 years, and that's a lot more experience than many people have. After that much experience, I was ready to move on. There are these posts going around bemoaning women who get engaged in their 20's, and how getting married in your 30's is the only way to go. Sure. For that person, that WAS the only way to go. Think about it this way, you've picked the right one. Now, no more worrying about whether he does or doesn't like you and what you're going to do on date night with your friends. It's a cuddle buddy for Netflix, a workout partner, a motivator for your career, a human back massage machine, saved dinners when you slept in, someone to have your back when you can't buy groceries this month, someone to obsess over and spoil rotten, and a million other things. It's honestly a good way to help you get ahead in life from a purely mercenary standpoint, and aren't they always saying that the sooner you start your career, the better? Think of marriage as one of your careers, good on ya for figuring it out! Plus, no more weird strangers awkwardly groping at your butt at dances. That was never fun, admit it.
2. Haha, get ready to join the rest of us miserable married people!
This is most often heard from guys in their 30's. These guys often have a cynical nature, are married themselves but also work jobs they are unhappy with. They also give out nuggets of gold such as..."don't ever get married," and "kids ruined my dreams". Just recognize that these ones are infinitely unhappy with some procession of choices they made or haven't taken accountability for, and don't get mad. Arguing with them will only cause them to smirk and say, "yep, I was like that too....until I was married for 5 years. Wait and see how you feel THEN!" Just smile and say, "Yep, so excited for the misery!" If they were joking, then they'll laugh. If they were serious, then they'll laugh confusedly. Ha ha ha ha?
3. The love fades so enjoy it while it lasts!
Short Answer: The love will fade if you let it fade. It's a choice yes, but it's not a difficult one. Plus, that's a really rude thing to say. Imagine getting a new outfit and saying, "Look how cute this is!" and them saying, "you'll get fat so wear it while you can!" #rude. Don't let them worry you that you'll never be more in love then you are now. Being in love and getting married is like adding layers to the onion that is your love. The center gets deeper and more secure. I'm bad at similes, but basically, how you feel now is only a shadow of how you'll feel 25 years from now. If this is the right person, then you'll be even more in love and appreciative of this person who decided to share their life with you.
Long Answer: Once I was really mad at my then-boyfriend (now fiance). Like, so mad I didn't even want to see him or want him to touch me. He had no idea what was wrong, (something about me feeling ignored, not important now) but continued to gently sit by me and let me work through my anger. I remember looking at him, REALLY looking at him and thinking how cruel I was being, especially when he didn't even know what was wrong. I suddenly felt bad, so I reached out and lightly brushed his fingers. I was immediately overwhelmed by a wave of such tenderness and protectiveness that I got mad at myself! How could I be mad at this wonderful man who was just sitting there, trying to love me through my shell? It was a defining moment in realizing that no matter what, I always wanted to be on his side, even to protect him from me and my flaws. If I can remember that feeling, then I know I will ALWAYS love him, no matter what. And if that's how I can feel after just a year of dating, then think how much that could increase in a lifetime?
In my relationship, we've had to face a lot of misconceptions about each other due to well-meaning but meddling people, so the choice to stay together was just that, a choice. It was effortless once it was made, but love is like that. It's a choice and an option, not something that just happens but then wears away like the shiny on a new penny. Once you make that choice and open that door, then you basically have this huge castle of love with new doors and additions to explore, and it never stops growing. Like I said, I'm bad at similes, however...
"Love is an open doooooooooooooorrrrrrr!"
-Frozen
4. The engagement is/was the hardest part for us! We fought so much over details, and making it to the temple was practically a race!
I just want to laugh. Being engaged is already easier than the last year and a half (and a month two years ago) of dating ever was. For me, there's a solid certainty there. We can say things we were holding back, and most of them are simply about how much we love each other and what we're now excited to do and plan. Also farting/burping. It's not a free-for-all, but not such a scary concept to accidentally let one loose (or in my case, purposely try to shake the house foundations). Seriously though, throughout us dating, I was constantly looking at the relationship, analyzing what I would have to live with if/when we got married, and whether or not it was things I could live with. I don't think I've ever scrutinized a relationship more closely, most likely because I knew this one had lifetime potential. Now that I've decided and made the commitment though, it's like a huge weight is gone. No comparisons, no sudden realizations about how I've committed to living my life with someone who loves kittens or doesn't make their bed and how that could be a mistake. Those things have already been scrutinized and came up affirmative.
And as for the making it to the temple part, this is mostly for people who decided to wait until marriage to, how shall I say, consummate? This will be different for everyone, and hopefully it's difficult (duh, you want to be attracted to each other), but you're both on the same page so it's possible. Choose an engagement length you think you can manage, and try not to torture each other too much. (I may have already crossed that line by suggesting we schedule in a few hours between wedding and reception...but the look on his face was priceless!)
It's important for us, so we're going to wait, end of story. Yes, it's difficult. Yes, it's so frustrating that sometimes I just want to scream. And then go find a dark room with lots of candles and lure him there and 'accidentally' fall in a lake so I have nothing to wear....well, you get the picture. But, there are personal reasons that we've made this choice, not just religious ones. And because I believe in this so strongly and he believes this too, then we'll wait. When you both make a non-negotiable choice, then you stick with it. And I'm a big believer in the power of choices and using those to inform your actions.
5. One of you will get sick on your honeymoon. When your immune systems clash together majorly in that way and add it to the stress of the wedding... one of you will 'win' and the other will get sick.
One of the more bizarre things I've heard. Yet to find out if this is true, but here's a bit of advice on how to deal with these comments. Take them into considerations. Tell your fiance. Laugh. Forget, if you can. If not, just laugh.
It's probably true anyway, my fiance got sick after our first major saliva-swapping session, so my bet is that he'll be the one to get sick on the honeymoon too. *fingers crossed neither of us gets sick and that we're already used to each others 'cooties'!*
6. Congratulations! It's going to be the most magical time of your life!
Well, this is mostly true. It will be magical and fantastic. You get to dress up in a princess dress, have people give you gifts and fawn over you, and plan a magical party all about you! And it will be the most magical time of your life...up to that point. There will be better things, more exciting things, and so many more adventures to take. Imagine, if you will, going on a vacation and throwing a party where there's not so many cultural and familial expectations, and where you can not worry about pleasing a single one of those nutters. Those are the parties I really look forward to. If I want to spend $2000 on a dress in the future, then I will. Really though, this is a huge rite of passage, and it's not the end of the magic, but the beginning.
7. So...what's the wedding date?!
This one is well-meaning. For people who want to come support you, it'll be important so they know when to get off work. But take a deep breath and don't let them bowl you over with suggestions and craziness. My fiance got engaged on a Thursday, had a chance to go out that Saturday and we honestly just wanted to relax, and then didn't see each other for another week due to my work/finals/conference/new kitten that all collided. We simply didn't have time to discuss a wedding date, or anything else. You may want a chance to enjoy your engagement a bit more, that's good too.
8. When are you guys planning on having kids?
Whoa, too personal. Best response is..."we already have one, her name is Starscream! Yes, she's a cat. No, I don't understand your confusion." Or simply, "When we're ready!" That's super personal, on the level of asking, "When ya'll gonna be procreating?" No one should be asking that, so if they do, just have a snappy comeback memorized.
9. Do you think you're actually ready for this?
No, you're not ready. No one is. My fiance and I have a strategy. If we get overwhelmed or someone asks this question, we just throw up our hands and say, "Well I've never done this before so nope!" Good for a laugh and it's true, you're not ready for it. You never are ready for a huge change completely, but you will adapt and rise to the occasion. That's part of the excitement, don't you think?
1. But...you're so young!
Yes, you are. But only you know your maturity level and whether or not you're ready to give up on single life and create another adventure. For me, I've been steadily dating around for 10 years, and that's a lot more experience than many people have. After that much experience, I was ready to move on. There are these posts going around bemoaning women who get engaged in their 20's, and how getting married in your 30's is the only way to go. Sure. For that person, that WAS the only way to go. Think about it this way, you've picked the right one. Now, no more worrying about whether he does or doesn't like you and what you're going to do on date night with your friends. It's a cuddle buddy for Netflix, a workout partner, a motivator for your career, a human back massage machine, saved dinners when you slept in, someone to have your back when you can't buy groceries this month, someone to obsess over and spoil rotten, and a million other things. It's honestly a good way to help you get ahead in life from a purely mercenary standpoint, and aren't they always saying that the sooner you start your career, the better? Think of marriage as one of your careers, good on ya for figuring it out! Plus, no more weird strangers awkwardly groping at your butt at dances. That was never fun, admit it.
2. Haha, get ready to join the rest of us miserable married people!
This is most often heard from guys in their 30's. These guys often have a cynical nature, are married themselves but also work jobs they are unhappy with. They also give out nuggets of gold such as..."don't ever get married," and "kids ruined my dreams". Just recognize that these ones are infinitely unhappy with some procession of choices they made or haven't taken accountability for, and don't get mad. Arguing with them will only cause them to smirk and say, "yep, I was like that too....until I was married for 5 years. Wait and see how you feel THEN!" Just smile and say, "Yep, so excited for the misery!" If they were joking, then they'll laugh. If they were serious, then they'll laugh confusedly. Ha ha ha ha?
3. The love fades so enjoy it while it lasts!
Short Answer: The love will fade if you let it fade. It's a choice yes, but it's not a difficult one. Plus, that's a really rude thing to say. Imagine getting a new outfit and saying, "Look how cute this is!" and them saying, "you'll get fat so wear it while you can!" #rude. Don't let them worry you that you'll never be more in love then you are now. Being in love and getting married is like adding layers to the onion that is your love. The center gets deeper and more secure. I'm bad at similes, but basically, how you feel now is only a shadow of how you'll feel 25 years from now. If this is the right person, then you'll be even more in love and appreciative of this person who decided to share their life with you.
Long Answer: Once I was really mad at my then-boyfriend (now fiance). Like, so mad I didn't even want to see him or want him to touch me. He had no idea what was wrong, (something about me feeling ignored, not important now) but continued to gently sit by me and let me work through my anger. I remember looking at him, REALLY looking at him and thinking how cruel I was being, especially when he didn't even know what was wrong. I suddenly felt bad, so I reached out and lightly brushed his fingers. I was immediately overwhelmed by a wave of such tenderness and protectiveness that I got mad at myself! How could I be mad at this wonderful man who was just sitting there, trying to love me through my shell? It was a defining moment in realizing that no matter what, I always wanted to be on his side, even to protect him from me and my flaws. If I can remember that feeling, then I know I will ALWAYS love him, no matter what. And if that's how I can feel after just a year of dating, then think how much that could increase in a lifetime?
In my relationship, we've had to face a lot of misconceptions about each other due to well-meaning but meddling people, so the choice to stay together was just that, a choice. It was effortless once it was made, but love is like that. It's a choice and an option, not something that just happens but then wears away like the shiny on a new penny. Once you make that choice and open that door, then you basically have this huge castle of love with new doors and additions to explore, and it never stops growing. Like I said, I'm bad at similes, however...
"Love is an open doooooooooooooorrrrrrr!"
-Frozen
4. The engagement is/was the hardest part for us! We fought so much over details, and making it to the temple was practically a race!
I just want to laugh. Being engaged is already easier than the last year and a half (and a month two years ago) of dating ever was. For me, there's a solid certainty there. We can say things we were holding back, and most of them are simply about how much we love each other and what we're now excited to do and plan. Also farting/burping. It's not a free-for-all, but not such a scary concept to accidentally let one loose (or in my case, purposely try to shake the house foundations). Seriously though, throughout us dating, I was constantly looking at the relationship, analyzing what I would have to live with if/when we got married, and whether or not it was things I could live with. I don't think I've ever scrutinized a relationship more closely, most likely because I knew this one had lifetime potential. Now that I've decided and made the commitment though, it's like a huge weight is gone. No comparisons, no sudden realizations about how I've committed to living my life with someone who loves kittens or doesn't make their bed and how that could be a mistake. Those things have already been scrutinized and came up affirmative.
And as for the making it to the temple part, this is mostly for people who decided to wait until marriage to, how shall I say, consummate? This will be different for everyone, and hopefully it's difficult (duh, you want to be attracted to each other), but you're both on the same page so it's possible. Choose an engagement length you think you can manage, and try not to torture each other too much. (I may have already crossed that line by suggesting we schedule in a few hours between wedding and reception...but the look on his face was priceless!)
It's important for us, so we're going to wait, end of story. Yes, it's difficult. Yes, it's so frustrating that sometimes I just want to scream. And then go find a dark room with lots of candles and lure him there and 'accidentally' fall in a lake so I have nothing to wear....well, you get the picture. But, there are personal reasons that we've made this choice, not just religious ones. And because I believe in this so strongly and he believes this too, then we'll wait. When you both make a non-negotiable choice, then you stick with it. And I'm a big believer in the power of choices and using those to inform your actions.
5. One of you will get sick on your honeymoon. When your immune systems clash together majorly in that way and add it to the stress of the wedding... one of you will 'win' and the other will get sick.
One of the more bizarre things I've heard. Yet to find out if this is true, but here's a bit of advice on how to deal with these comments. Take them into considerations. Tell your fiance. Laugh. Forget, if you can. If not, just laugh.
It's probably true anyway, my fiance got sick after our first major saliva-swapping session, so my bet is that he'll be the one to get sick on the honeymoon too. *fingers crossed neither of us gets sick and that we're already used to each others 'cooties'!*
6. Congratulations! It's going to be the most magical time of your life!
Well, this is mostly true. It will be magical and fantastic. You get to dress up in a princess dress, have people give you gifts and fawn over you, and plan a magical party all about you! And it will be the most magical time of your life...up to that point. There will be better things, more exciting things, and so many more adventures to take. Imagine, if you will, going on a vacation and throwing a party where there's not so many cultural and familial expectations, and where you can not worry about pleasing a single one of those nutters. Those are the parties I really look forward to. If I want to spend $2000 on a dress in the future, then I will. Really though, this is a huge rite of passage, and it's not the end of the magic, but the beginning.
7. So...what's the wedding date?!
This one is well-meaning. For people who want to come support you, it'll be important so they know when to get off work. But take a deep breath and don't let them bowl you over with suggestions and craziness. My fiance got engaged on a Thursday, had a chance to go out that Saturday and we honestly just wanted to relax, and then didn't see each other for another week due to my work/finals/conference/new kitten that all collided. We simply didn't have time to discuss a wedding date, or anything else. You may want a chance to enjoy your engagement a bit more, that's good too.
8. When are you guys planning on having kids?
Whoa, too personal. Best response is..."we already have one, her name is Starscream! Yes, she's a cat. No, I don't understand your confusion." Or simply, "When we're ready!" That's super personal, on the level of asking, "When ya'll gonna be procreating?" No one should be asking that, so if they do, just have a snappy comeback memorized.
9. Do you think you're actually ready for this?
No, you're not ready. No one is. My fiance and I have a strategy. If we get overwhelmed or someone asks this question, we just throw up our hands and say, "Well I've never done this before so nope!" Good for a laugh and it's true, you're not ready for it. You never are ready for a huge change completely, but you will adapt and rise to the occasion. That's part of the excitement, don't you think?
Saturday, April 4, 2015
Eyebrows, or Lack Thereof
So I decided that I was going to get my eyebrows waxed a month ago. I'd never had it done and the girls who did get theirs waxed always looked so polished and gorgeous. So, I took an empty slot with a friend who is going through beauty school. My hair had been quite dry lately due to suddenly deciding to dye it dark and then strip all the color back out, so I also went for a deep conditioning treatment.
The hair treatment was wonderful, I felt like a freaking movie star. I got my hair washed and treated and styled, it was so lovely and my hair could now be the envy of a supermodel mermaid. Look them up, they do exist. Plus I was taught a new way to style my bangs. Life could not be better on that front. On the other side of my head though, it was a different story.
First, the soothing warm wax was applied, and then she gently, if quite firmly, ripped up half my eyebrow hair.
"Dear Lord what have I done?!?!?!!!"
Let me give you a little background. Up until this point I had thought that I had slightly patchy, if rather nice brows. The right one was a little stubby but my brows were nothing to sneeze at. With the new polished but thick brow fashion hitting a high point, I thought a little polishing would slide me right to brow fame. How wrong was I.
Looking at the aftermath in the mirror it wasn't too terrible. A little redness, especially just under the brow, mostly nice shape. A little thin but I could deal. My unfortunately stubby right brow though was now much stubbier. Also my eyebrows seemed farther apart than normal. I didn't understand how, "Oh, now they match perfectly" translated into one long and one short brow. The worst was yet to come though.
That night the area underneath my eyebrows was still rather red, especially in two strips basically right in the middle of the area between the lid and the brow. I applied a cold washcloth, a little neosporin and went to bed. Ah, the last night of lovely dreams. In the morning, two angry red strips stared back at me like second eyebrows that would have looked better on Satan. Apparently my lovely, learning friend had waxed the skin right off, putting me into slight abrasion mode.
So for the next week I fielded questions about my poor eyebrows and dealt with the weird peeling and redness as best I could. My eyebrows looked a little strange but with asymmetrical bangs the asymmetrical brows were not noticeable.
After such a debacle you'd think I would go to a different stylist or at least forgo the brow waxing again. That's where you would be wrong my friend. Four weeks later I decided to repeat the experience.
I thought I would be smart though and said, "please just clean them up, no shaping this time." From what I had read on the internets, this would direct my stylist to remove the weird loose hairs between my eyes and wherever else weird loose hairs grow. On your face. Around your brows. Specifically weird loose brow hairs. Ha, I did not know the enthusiasm that medium-thick, partially regrown brows could release in young stylists.
She showed me the mirror and I nearly screamed "Holy Castiel what are those things?!!!" I now had one upside-down Nike symbol and one kind of nice but definitely shorter and thinner caterpillar. The worst part was, those familiar red second brows were back. I very nicely instead decided to concentrate on what she was doing to my hair. She did a fabulous job, if not for my eyebrows I would have been the the most gorgeous girl in leggings walking down the streets between 5th and 6th south that day. As it was, I couldn't tell if the stares were for my hair, my uneven brows, my second angry brows, or my voluptuous booty. Hey, you're the internet, you can imagine me having a gorgeous booty.
When later close looks in the mirror showed that in certain light my eyes looked bald, (thanks blonde ancestors), I freaked out. Frantic searches of the internet revealed that it could take 2-3 months for full regrowth, and that only expensive brow pencils would fix them to look something close to normal. Asymmetrical bangs could also come to the rescue as well. The stupid second eyebrows were also dramatically different. At least one wasn't as bad as the other. The worse one though was twice as red. Pathetic, I know. I vow though, to never get my brows waxed again. Did just fine on my own with tweezing before, don't need it now. My poor eyebrows.
If you see Satan, please tell him I found his brows. They are on my face. Also if you know anything about eyebrow wigs...let's just say I might be interested.
The hair treatment was wonderful, I felt like a freaking movie star. I got my hair washed and treated and styled, it was so lovely and my hair could now be the envy of a supermodel mermaid. Look them up, they do exist. Plus I was taught a new way to style my bangs. Life could not be better on that front. On the other side of my head though, it was a different story.
First, the soothing warm wax was applied, and then she gently, if quite firmly, ripped up half my eyebrow hair.
"Dear Lord what have I done?!?!?!!!"
Let me give you a little background. Up until this point I had thought that I had slightly patchy, if rather nice brows. The right one was a little stubby but my brows were nothing to sneeze at. With the new polished but thick brow fashion hitting a high point, I thought a little polishing would slide me right to brow fame. How wrong was I.
Looking at the aftermath in the mirror it wasn't too terrible. A little redness, especially just under the brow, mostly nice shape. A little thin but I could deal. My unfortunately stubby right brow though was now much stubbier. Also my eyebrows seemed farther apart than normal. I didn't understand how, "Oh, now they match perfectly" translated into one long and one short brow. The worst was yet to come though.
That night the area underneath my eyebrows was still rather red, especially in two strips basically right in the middle of the area between the lid and the brow. I applied a cold washcloth, a little neosporin and went to bed. Ah, the last night of lovely dreams. In the morning, two angry red strips stared back at me like second eyebrows that would have looked better on Satan. Apparently my lovely, learning friend had waxed the skin right off, putting me into slight abrasion mode.
So for the next week I fielded questions about my poor eyebrows and dealt with the weird peeling and redness as best I could. My eyebrows looked a little strange but with asymmetrical bangs the asymmetrical brows were not noticeable.
After such a debacle you'd think I would go to a different stylist or at least forgo the brow waxing again. That's where you would be wrong my friend. Four weeks later I decided to repeat the experience.
I thought I would be smart though and said, "please just clean them up, no shaping this time." From what I had read on the internets, this would direct my stylist to remove the weird loose hairs between my eyes and wherever else weird loose hairs grow. On your face. Around your brows. Specifically weird loose brow hairs. Ha, I did not know the enthusiasm that medium-thick, partially regrown brows could release in young stylists.
She showed me the mirror and I nearly screamed "Holy Castiel what are those things?!!!" I now had one upside-down Nike symbol and one kind of nice but definitely shorter and thinner caterpillar. The worst part was, those familiar red second brows were back. I very nicely instead decided to concentrate on what she was doing to my hair. She did a fabulous job, if not for my eyebrows I would have been the the most gorgeous girl in leggings walking down the streets between 5th and 6th south that day. As it was, I couldn't tell if the stares were for my hair, my uneven brows, my second angry brows, or my voluptuous booty. Hey, you're the internet, you can imagine me having a gorgeous booty.
When later close looks in the mirror showed that in certain light my eyes looked bald, (thanks blonde ancestors), I freaked out. Frantic searches of the internet revealed that it could take 2-3 months for full regrowth, and that only expensive brow pencils would fix them to look something close to normal. Asymmetrical bangs could also come to the rescue as well. The stupid second eyebrows were also dramatically different. At least one wasn't as bad as the other. The worse one though was twice as red. Pathetic, I know. I vow though, to never get my brows waxed again. Did just fine on my own with tweezing before, don't need it now. My poor eyebrows.
If you see Satan, please tell him I found his brows. They are on my face. Also if you know anything about eyebrow wigs...let's just say I might be interested.
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