Thursday, July 31, 2014

And They Say You Should Be The Smart One

I recently started a job as a Health Care Assistant. It's a long, thankless job that involves a lot of poop, but sometimes nuggets of comedy show up. I wanted to share a short story on idiocy for a moment that I encounter in the workplace.

At work we have a video monitor on which we watch our impulsive patients to make sure they don't pull out IV's or try to get out of bed without help. If a patient does need assistance, we are supposed to send another aide in. One night I was assigned to watch video monitor...

Me: Hey, *New Hire* could you go see room 3? He pulled off his oxygen mask for the trach again. (Not a big deal, but oxygen levels will get low if left off too long)

New Hire: Sure!

Mr. New Hire walks into the room, carefully picks up the mask, and then stares at it as if it were an alien creature. Finally, ignoring the arrows that clearly point "This Way UP", he puts it on upside down. It doesn't fit. Mr. New Hire takes it off, stares at it again, and puts it on...upside down, again.

It is at this point I hear muttered Russian curses from over my shoulder. Our head nurse has noticed Mr. New Hire's idiocy and marches to the room to fix the issue.

Later I had an opportunity to ask Mr. New Hire about it.

Me: So...have your worked as an aide before?

Mr. New Hire: Oh yes, I think that I was very good and that is why I got hired here.

Me: Uh Huh, so are you going to school for this?

Mr. New Hire: Yes, I am in the nursing program and I will be a great nurse one day


Sunday, July 13, 2014

Wanted: New Best Friend

I've had some issues with my close friends recently. To be more specific, my two best friends have become distant to the point that the best friend post in my life is rather empty. Let me explain, keeping in mind that I love these two people like crazy and wish that life was different.
          First:: My best friend forever currently lives in Florida. That's well and good, but I miss her like crazy and she is often unavailable to speak with due to time differences and jobs. The bigger fact of the matter is, as she's not close she is unavailable for girls nights out. You know, like going to see sappy movies your boyfriend won't go see, staying at home and doing nail parties, and going out for ice cream at 1am just because you feel like it. Plus I miss the ghost hunting.
          Second, my best Utah friend started dating a guy in February and has basically disappeared from off the face of the earth. It is now July and I can count on one hand the number of times we've hung out and it only takes two hands to count the number of times we've had an actual conversation. I used to talk to her once ever few days, now I'm lucky if it's once a month. Lists and lists of unreturned texts and calls have necessitated looking elsewhere for someone to confide in. Same issue with having no one to call on for impromptu hang-outs.

So! Instead of moping I have begun a search for a new best friend. Please read the below posting for information and how to apply to be Charlotte's Best Friend. Perks and remuneration for filling said post are numerous, the most important ones are listed at the end :)

Wanted: One Best Friend

I am looking for a new best friend, qualifications are as follows...

- Must Be: Female between the ages of 21 and 28. Ages may be waived depending on maturity level. It is possible for a male to be my best friend, but he must fit all the other qualifications below.
- Practicing LDS or have extensive experience with the LDS culture. This is very important, as someone who can't or refuses to understand this culture will not understand a core part of me.
- Experienced at dating. Preferably had at least 2, if not more previous relationships. *Can be currently in a relationship.*
- Not currently married. You may consider getting engaged or married, after 3 months of being best friends, but to start out this relationship you must be single on your tax forms.
- Likes to talk and knows how to listen
- Able to keep secrets. (Duh, that's like, the whole purpose of having a best friend.)
- Stable emotionally, not crazy. **

-Engage in 2-3 phone conversations per week. Each may be up to one hour in length, possibly shorter.
-Willing to come over at least once per week or as needed.
-Availiable for emergency counseling/advice (this will be once or twice a month)
-Answers phone calls/texts in a timely manner ***
-Live within 30 minutes of my house

You will get in return for performing these duties: 1 best friend, possibly for life. You will get a confidante, someone who adores you, who will go to the weird concerts with you and smile anyways, who knows how to cook, have fun, and has lots of cute guy friends if you need set up. Plus I'll be honest if those jeans actually do make you look fat, and suffer through early morning yoga with you if you want to get in shape.
Also free concert tickets, free dinner occasionally, fantastic nails, hair advice, shopping buddy. Your call really, the time you put in will be the time you get back.

I'm a fantastic friend, and an even better bestie. What I really want is someone to confide in about my dating life, to hear the issues and celebrate the good stuff, and someone to do something with when I'm super bored. Right now my confidantes are my mom (who opens up dating convo's by asking, "You engaged yet?" No, can't get him to call me on his own so...yeah) and my BFF, who unfortunately has never had a boyfriend and lives too far away to give me notes on how she observes his actions. I mean, seriously, Google can only get me so far. I'll do all of the same for you.

Sound interesting? Want a new BFF? Shoot me an email at with the title; NEW BEST FRIEND APPLICATION, and why you think we should give being besties a shot. We'll set up lunch and possibly a screening process (in the form of going to a movie, and another night where we talk and get to know each other while doing nails.) After that, we'll take it from there!

*If in relationship or going to get in one, this expectation uppermost: Doesn't dedicate life to boyfriend. Many girls become impossible to get in contact with once they start dating someone (see above), this is not acceptable in a best friend as that negates the purpose of having a best friend. If this happens you will be regulated to just 'friend'. Plus, that's really not healthy for you.
**I have had best friends that try to drive away all my other friends, one that tried to kill themself, one that would call me 12 times a day until I went crazy. A small amount of what can be deemed 'interesting' is necessary and healthy even, however if you can't regulate your own emotions then other people can't do it for you, so please don't expect me to do that.
***As far as answering phone calls and texts, this is kind of a no-brainer. If you're at work or out with other friends or with family, you're not expected to answer. You are however expected to get back to me either with a kind, 'I'm busy' text or a phone call later that night. 24 hours is the absolute longest you can go without returning a call, you know it's just rude to go for days and weeks without returning calls. Just be honest when you're busy, it's not like I'm expecting you to drop your life for me, just take 20 seconds and return a text. The same will go in return for you.