When I have a question, I invariably turn to our favorite all-knowing pal, Google, to get it answered. Its the way things are done, and even if Google does fib on occasion (cotton ball fibers are NOT good for lengthening eyelashes), I still go back like an addict the next time I need a hit of information.
However, Google's relationship advice is some of the weirdest, most useless info that I have ever encountered. I blame Google instead if the various sites it spits out because Google is the one that leads me there. Sifting to page two is never an option, because Google becomes super- shady and weird the second you mix page two of the search results with relationship advice.
So, without further ado, I present to you Relationship Advice; According to Google. Cringe and enjoy.
If you want to attract a Man, wear perfume. Preferably lavender and pumpkin. Because those scents together make a guy sleepy and hungry for pumpkin pie. And everyone knows dousing yourself in weird smell combinations will disguise your penchant for eating garlic.
To be the most Romantic guy EVAR, make sure you surprise her. A lot. Like with a mariachi band. In the morning. To wake up to. What is more romantic than that?
If you want your guy to be passionate about you, wear the color Red. Because men are like bulls and will run at the color red indiscriminately. Who knows, if you wear enough red you may get men to actually run you over in the streets. Let's hope you have good medical insurance.
Women actually aren't afraid of aggression in men. Really? Whew, I was worried about that for a minute. Nice to know I'm actually not afraid of the Chris Brown types in this world, what I'm REALLY worried about is a man losing his masculinity and lots of other psychobabble that really means that I want guys to be MORE aggressive. Thanks, never would have known what I actually wanted without you telling me! How like a woman.
If you want to get your boyfriend to stop ignoring you and taking you for granted, start ignoring him. Really! Start ignoring phone calls, texts, never text him back in any reasonable length of time. Take a holiday without him for crying out loud. Definitely start texting and talking to your old flings, that'll go over really well and make him super jealous. Be busy and don't make time for him, that'll show him!
If you want your girlfriend to feel loved, buy her things and smile at her creepily! Everyone knows the way to a woman's heart is only by how much money you have, so buy her things. All the things. Even the stupid things, just make sure they are girly and kind of cute. This link even has the pictures, so enjoy! Oh, and also, don't be a man-whore and time your compliments. Only one every 30 minutes or so, or she'll think you've gone overboard. She might even be scared away when you combine it with your creepy smile. (Seriously, just click on this link for the illustrations, it'll teach you everything you need to know.)
Hope you enjoy, I'm kinda fed up with all the crazy relationship advice out there. If you really want some crazy stuff, wade through Yahoo's Answers pages, or go to Cosmo online. In my opinion, the best thing to do is to NOT listen to most of the advice online, but that's just my advice. Online.
#forwhatit'sworth
Showing posts with label girlfriend. Show all posts
Showing posts with label girlfriend. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Wanted: New Best Friend
I've had some issues with my close friends recently. To be more specific, my two best friends have become distant to the point that the best friend post in my life is rather empty. Let me explain, keeping in mind that I love these two people like crazy and wish that life was different.
First:: My best friend forever currently lives in Florida. That's well and good, but I miss her like crazy and she is often unavailable to speak with due to time differences and jobs. The bigger fact of the matter is, as she's not close she is unavailable for girls nights out. You know, like going to see sappy movies your boyfriend won't go see, staying at home and doing nail parties, and going out for ice cream at 1am just because you feel like it. Plus I miss the ghost hunting.
Second, my best Utah friend started dating a guy in February and has basically disappeared from off the face of the earth. It is now July and I can count on one hand the number of times we've hung out and it only takes two hands to count the number of times we've had an actual conversation. I used to talk to her once ever few days, now I'm lucky if it's once a month. Lists and lists of unreturned texts and calls have necessitated looking elsewhere for someone to confide in. Same issue with having no one to call on for impromptu hang-outs.
So! Instead of moping I have begun a search for a new best friend. Please read the below posting for information and how to apply to be Charlotte's Best Friend. Perks and remuneration for filling said post are numerous, the most important ones are listed at the end :)
Wanted: One Best Friend
I am looking for a new best friend, qualifications are as follows...
- Must Be: Female between the ages of 21 and 28. Ages may be waived depending on maturity level. It is possible for a male to be my best friend, but he must fit all the other qualifications below.
- Practicing LDS or have extensive experience with the LDS culture. This is very important, as someone who can't or refuses to understand this culture will not understand a core part of me.
- Experienced at dating. Preferably had at least 2, if not more previous relationships. *Can be currently in a relationship.*
- Not currently married. You may consider getting engaged or married, after 3 months of being best friends, but to start out this relationship you must be single on your tax forms.
- Likes to talk and knows how to listen
- Able to keep secrets. (Duh, that's like, the whole purpose of having a best friend.)
- Stable emotionally, not crazy. **
Duties
-Engage in 2-3 phone conversations per week. Each may be up to one hour in length, possibly shorter.
-Willing to come over at least once per week or as needed.
-Availiable for emergency counseling/advice (this will be once or twice a month)
-Answers phone calls/texts in a timely manner ***
-Live within 30 minutes of my house
Payment
You will get in return for performing these duties: 1 best friend, possibly for life. You will get a confidante, someone who adores you, who will go to the weird concerts with you and smile anyways, who knows how to cook, have fun, and has lots of cute guy friends if you need set up. Plus I'll be honest if those jeans actually do make you look fat, and suffer through early morning yoga with you if you want to get in shape.
Also free concert tickets, free dinner occasionally, fantastic nails, hair advice, shopping buddy. Your call really, the time you put in will be the time you get back.
I'm a fantastic friend, and an even better bestie. What I really want is someone to confide in about my dating life, to hear the issues and celebrate the good stuff, and someone to do something with when I'm super bored. Right now my confidantes are my mom (who opens up dating convo's by asking, "You engaged yet?" No, can't get him to call me on his own so...yeah) and my BFF, who unfortunately has never had a boyfriend and lives too far away to give me notes on how she observes his actions. I mean, seriously, Google can only get me so far. I'll do all of the same for you.
Sound interesting? Want a new BFF? Shoot me an email at ccapron@live.com with the title; NEW BEST FRIEND APPLICATION, and why you think we should give being besties a shot. We'll set up lunch and possibly a screening process (in the form of going to a movie, and another night where we talk and get to know each other while doing nails.) After that, we'll take it from there!
NOTES
*If in relationship or going to get in one, this expectation uppermost: Doesn't dedicate life to boyfriend. Many girls become impossible to get in contact with once they start dating someone (see above), this is not acceptable in a best friend as that negates the purpose of having a best friend. If this happens you will be regulated to just 'friend'. Plus, that's really not healthy for you.
**I have had best friends that try to drive away all my other friends, one that tried to kill themself, one that would call me 12 times a day until I went crazy. A small amount of what can be deemed 'interesting' is necessary and healthy even, however if you can't regulate your own emotions then other people can't do it for you, so please don't expect me to do that.
***As far as answering phone calls and texts, this is kind of a no-brainer. If you're at work or out with other friends or with family, you're not expected to answer. You are however expected to get back to me either with a kind, 'I'm busy' text or a phone call later that night. 24 hours is the absolute longest you can go without returning a call, you know it's just rude to go for days and weeks without returning calls. Just be honest when you're busy, it's not like I'm expecting you to drop your life for me, just take 20 seconds and return a text. The same will go in return for you.
First:: My best friend forever currently lives in Florida. That's well and good, but I miss her like crazy and she is often unavailable to speak with due to time differences and jobs. The bigger fact of the matter is, as she's not close she is unavailable for girls nights out. You know, like going to see sappy movies your boyfriend won't go see, staying at home and doing nail parties, and going out for ice cream at 1am just because you feel like it. Plus I miss the ghost hunting.
Second, my best Utah friend started dating a guy in February and has basically disappeared from off the face of the earth. It is now July and I can count on one hand the number of times we've hung out and it only takes two hands to count the number of times we've had an actual conversation. I used to talk to her once ever few days, now I'm lucky if it's once a month. Lists and lists of unreturned texts and calls have necessitated looking elsewhere for someone to confide in. Same issue with having no one to call on for impromptu hang-outs.
So! Instead of moping I have begun a search for a new best friend. Please read the below posting for information and how to apply to be Charlotte's Best Friend. Perks and remuneration for filling said post are numerous, the most important ones are listed at the end :)
Wanted: One Best Friend
I am looking for a new best friend, qualifications are as follows...
- Must Be: Female between the ages of 21 and 28. Ages may be waived depending on maturity level. It is possible for a male to be my best friend, but he must fit all the other qualifications below.
- Practicing LDS or have extensive experience with the LDS culture. This is very important, as someone who can't or refuses to understand this culture will not understand a core part of me.
- Experienced at dating. Preferably had at least 2, if not more previous relationships. *Can be currently in a relationship.*
- Not currently married. You may consider getting engaged or married, after 3 months of being best friends, but to start out this relationship you must be single on your tax forms.
- Likes to talk and knows how to listen
- Able to keep secrets. (Duh, that's like, the whole purpose of having a best friend.)
- Stable emotionally, not crazy. **
Duties
-Engage in 2-3 phone conversations per week. Each may be up to one hour in length, possibly shorter.
-Willing to come over at least once per week or as needed.
-Availiable for emergency counseling/advice (this will be once or twice a month)
-Answers phone calls/texts in a timely manner ***
-Live within 30 minutes of my house
Payment
You will get in return for performing these duties: 1 best friend, possibly for life. You will get a confidante, someone who adores you, who will go to the weird concerts with you and smile anyways, who knows how to cook, have fun, and has lots of cute guy friends if you need set up. Plus I'll be honest if those jeans actually do make you look fat, and suffer through early morning yoga with you if you want to get in shape.
Also free concert tickets, free dinner occasionally, fantastic nails, hair advice, shopping buddy. Your call really, the time you put in will be the time you get back.
I'm a fantastic friend, and an even better bestie. What I really want is someone to confide in about my dating life, to hear the issues and celebrate the good stuff, and someone to do something with when I'm super bored. Right now my confidantes are my mom (who opens up dating convo's by asking, "You engaged yet?" No, can't get him to call me on his own so...yeah) and my BFF, who unfortunately has never had a boyfriend and lives too far away to give me notes on how she observes his actions. I mean, seriously, Google can only get me so far. I'll do all of the same for you.
Sound interesting? Want a new BFF? Shoot me an email at ccapron@live.com with the title; NEW BEST FRIEND APPLICATION, and why you think we should give being besties a shot. We'll set up lunch and possibly a screening process (in the form of going to a movie, and another night where we talk and get to know each other while doing nails.) After that, we'll take it from there!
NOTES
*If in relationship or going to get in one, this expectation uppermost: Doesn't dedicate life to boyfriend. Many girls become impossible to get in contact with once they start dating someone (see above), this is not acceptable in a best friend as that negates the purpose of having a best friend. If this happens you will be regulated to just 'friend'. Plus, that's really not healthy for you.
**I have had best friends that try to drive away all my other friends, one that tried to kill themself, one that would call me 12 times a day until I went crazy. A small amount of what can be deemed 'interesting' is necessary and healthy even, however if you can't regulate your own emotions then other people can't do it for you, so please don't expect me to do that.
***As far as answering phone calls and texts, this is kind of a no-brainer. If you're at work or out with other friends or with family, you're not expected to answer. You are however expected to get back to me either with a kind, 'I'm busy' text or a phone call later that night. 24 hours is the absolute longest you can go without returning a call, you know it's just rude to go for days and weeks without returning calls. Just be honest when you're busy, it's not like I'm expecting you to drop your life for me, just take 20 seconds and return a text. The same will go in return for you.
Friday, August 30, 2013
A Kiss Backstage
A hug in the dark,
turns into a kiss.
Not just one, but two
then three.
Others were looking,
wondering what was going on
You didn't care,
you went for it.
In that moment I realized I loved you.
No filters, no barriers,
just you,
pure and without walls.
I'm already with someone else,
someone whom I've been trying hard with,
but the kiss showed me what could be,
excitement, fun, something different.
You've been there every week,
looking for me,
waiting for me,
asking how I was, what I was doing.
Why didn't I see that before,
reciprocate?
It's too late now,
when you kissed me I ran.
I was scared of what it meant,
scared of the possibilities,
scared of changing my path,
but realizing slowly,
We're meant to be together.
I have to see this other thing out first.
See if he's interested,
as much as you seem to be.
I admire your patience,
the way you wait, take things slow,
just relax and let things flow
Will you wait for me?
Only time will tell,
if kisses in the dark,
stolen and surprised,
means what I think it does.
turns into a kiss.
Not just one, but two
then three.
Others were looking,
wondering what was going on
You didn't care,
you went for it.
In that moment I realized I loved you.
just you,
pure and without walls.
I'm already with someone else,
someone whom I've been trying hard with,
but the kiss showed me what could be,
excitement, fun, something different.
You've been there every week,
looking for me,
waiting for me,
asking how I was, what I was doing.
Why didn't I see that before,
reciprocate?
It's too late now,
when you kissed me I ran.
I was scared of what it meant,
scared of the possibilities,
scared of changing my path,
but realizing slowly,
We're meant to be together.
I have to see this other thing out first.
See if he's interested,
as much as you seem to be.
I admire your patience,
the way you wait, take things slow,
just relax and let things flow
Will you wait for me?
Only time will tell,
if kisses in the dark,
stolen and surprised,
means what I think it does.
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