Saturday, December 6, 2014

Night Shifts and Loneliness

So it's been a while since I've posted with any regularity. I could cite business, but that's the excuse that everyone uses. So, let's see. I've moved to a new apartment, begun new dance classes, am working on a promotion at work, and am faced with hours and hours of nighttime awakeness.

It's really lonely being awake while everyone else is asleep. You have all this time to think and do things,..but only if you do them by yourself. No classes at night, no texting conversations or even phone conversations, no shopping at the mall. You have to prepare everything in those few hours while you're awake and the world is still awake. It's really lonely, and I'm ready for a change.

7 months of this nighttime job has now officially changed my internal clock to wanting to sleep between 8am and 4pm. It's annoying because I have all this time to be awake and I mostly just want to be talking to people. You know, visiting with family, hanging with friends, and especially being with my boyfriend. You can't do that though during the wee hours of the morning. You can only work on personal projects, like Netflix.

I guess in a word, I'm lonely. Wish I didn't have all these empty hours to fill.

48 Hours Without Sleep

"People die in bed, get up!"
-Grandpa Capron

Sleep is for those who can afford it. Ever tried to stay awake for 2 days straight? I did! Because I'm still amped on all the extra cortisol my brain produced, here is a chronicle of how it feels to do such ridiculous stuff as not sleep. I will say I have truly felt each moment, and am not eager to repeat said experience.

Hour 1: Still waking up, sleepy and comfy. It is 2 in the afternoon, my normal wake-up time.

Hour 2: Gym clothes on, head out the door for a run

Hour 3: Tired but triumphant, I just ran 5 miles!

Hour 10: First real wave of tired hits me as that run on top of work kicks in. It's 11pm and I've still got 8 hours of work left to go. Its ok, plenty of energy still!

Hour 15: 4a.m., I'm never going to make it, my head screams to be laid down. Can't yet. I shake it off and get on with life.

Hour 18: Finally off work, no rest yet though. Due to my apartment burning up on Friday and the subsequent investigation, now is the only time I am allowed to go get stuff. I park in the parking lot and try to drift off. Amid the chattering of teeth and alternate car warming, it is impossible to catch any sort of nap. This is when I realize that I promised my Boyfriend Id go to lunch with him in a mere 6 hours. Oh joy.

Hour 23: I have waited in the cold, cleaned out my kitchen stuff and clothes from a smoke filled apartment, loaded my car, driven to Grandma's house, unloaded, showered, confirmed lunch plans, and am now driving to my boyfriend s house. Now that its light outside I'm having an easy time staying awake. No repercussions from lack of sleep yet!

Hour 27: My head now has a definite pounding, and my eyes seem to be buzzing. I refused to give up on the date though, because I hardly ever get to see my guy. Oh well, time to get ready for work. Again.

Hour 28: 6pm and time to pound a chai tea for that burst of energy

Hour 34: caffeine gone, it is now midnight and I hurt.

Hour 35: Diarrhea. What did I eat? Does lack of sleep do this? Why must you betray me body?

Hour 36: Still nauseous, although that may be a side effect of cleaning up lots of poop. I can do this though, I'm focused now.

Hour 38: Why....why at 4a.m. does my head spin? My coworkers all are zombies too though, so it's not that unusual.

Hour 39: just focusing on work.....

Hour 41: Done with work! Time to drive straight home, well, to the place that I have a bed, and go to sleep!

Hour 41.5: This car drive is killer. Wasn't there a study about how lack of sleep makes you look like you're driving drunk? Uh oh, I decide to turn up the tunes in the car so that it will overstimulate my ear canals. It works and I make it home.

Hour 42: Sweet, sweet bliss of bedtime. I love the soft bed, soft covers, and soft place to sleep...there are springs poking me in the ribs, but whatever, it's bed! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

So there you have it. Lots of headaches it took me about 2 days to get over being that tired. Um, not going to try that again anytime soon.

Friday, August 22, 2014

If You Actually Read This...

If you actually read my blog, please leave a one-word comment describing what you think of me. Thanks!

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

I'm Getting a Second Job

Here's a typical Thursday or Friday evening for me.

Me: Hmmm, I want to go out this weekend, tired of staying in...let's see who wants to hang out!

Me: *Calls boyfriend* Hey handsome, doing anything Saturday night?
Boyfriend: Yeah, I've got this super cool acting thing all day, and then my family is all going swimming!
Me: That sounds fun!
Boyfriend: I know, it'll be super great!
Boyfriend: I'm busy then, but talk to ya later for sure!

Me: *texts Social Girl* I'm thinking girls night Saturday, what do you think?
Social Girl: Sorry, I can't, I've got tons of work gibberish to finish.
Me: Hey that's cool, I understand. Maybe next time?
Social Girl: Maybe, having a real job is so hard! You're so lucky your job isn't as real as mine.
Me: Haha...ha....ah....yeah.

Me: *calls best girl friend* Hey bestie, wanna hang on Saturday?
Bestie: Um...I live in Florida...
Me: Oh, yeah I forgot...

Me: *texts Purple-Hair Girl* You, me, horror movie, Saturday night. Whaddaya think?
Purple-Haired Girl: Got a hipster concert to go to with all of my similarly styled friends that night, but thanks for asking!
Me: I was thinking of dying my hair pink. No prob, have fun!

Me: *Texts Work Friend* Hey, want to grab dinner Saturday?
Work Friend: Why are you texting me?

Me: *posts on Facebook* I think I'm going to see New Popular Movie on Saturday, anyone want to come?
Facebook: *Friend/s that lives in Wyoming/Florida/Europe/The Moon/Provo* Would totes come if I lived closer!

Me: *calls mom*
Mom: You have reached the voice mailbox of-
Me: *hangs up*

Me: *group Snapchats everyone who is socially acceptable to do so.* (Insert puppy-dog eyes picture) Anyone want to hang Saturday? Fun stuff planned!
Snapchat: You have no new updates.

Me: *texts Weird Stalker Friend* I'm super bored, wanna go do something?
Weird Stalker Friend: Don't you have a boyfriend?

So...guess who's getting a second job?

Monday, August 18, 2014

Chiggers versus Sunburn

How is a sunburn like a chigger? Let me explain.

Recently I received a large-scale sunburn over, well, an unfortunate amount of skin. Really any amount of sunburn is unfortunate,  however this one was particularly unfortunate as it involved all of my limbs with special concentration on my shoulderblades and upper legs. Really it just made it so I couldn't lay down with any sort of comfort. I either had to lie on my stomach and endure burning from my legs, or on my back and endure pain radiating from my shoulders. Fast forward one week, and all that crispy skin is peeling off nicely...and itching like Fred and George spread itching powder over every item of clothing I own. I seriously don't remember ever itching this badly in my life except for the one summer I was 9...

Do you know what a chigger is? I sure do. It's this microscopic little red devil of itchiness. It bites you and burrows into the skin, creating a Mt. Kilimanjaro of discomfort. The only way to get rid of the itching is to kill the suckers while they sleep (as they are related to the tick family, they stay in the skin, itching and itching and itching and itching...for at least two weeks). The only way to do that is to paint your skin with nail polish. Clear is the best, mostly because you look the least weird wearing it. You can use any color, simply paint all your welts with the polish of your choice and that will cease the itching...eventually...takes a day or two.

So, one summer I was 9 years old. Most of us had a summer like that. I mean, you can read now, and are reading this, so you obviously were 9 at one point in your life.

Anyway, I was 9, and for some reason I decided to sit in the tall grass outside my Nebraska home while wearing calf-high socks, elastic waist-banded pants, and several hair-ties around one wrist. Did I mention that chiggers love to bite underneath tight-fitting clothing? Especially sock and underwear lines?

That evening I couldn't rest for the amount of itching. The only nail polish my mother could find was blue, all the clear had been depleted on my several younger siblings and the unfortunate neighbors. She painted me up so I looked like an unfortunate half-smurf, then I laid in bed trying desperately not to gouge chunks of skin from my calves.

That's what this summer reminds me of. A tingling under the skin that begins as a slight tickle. You think that if you ignore it, it'll go away. It's only the vaguest of feelings after all. However, it starts to increase. It gets worse until the tickle has become practically a fester. Your skin is jumping with effort to keep still. You can't think about anything else but how much you itch. All you want to do is drag your fingernails deeply through the pestilence that has now set your skin aflame. Nothing else will satisfy this strange itching and jumping coursing through your skin. The itching is there, it has always been there, and you will always itch.

So, chiggers versus sunburn. I think chiggers win, but sunburn comes in at a close second. You can avoid sunburn after all, and chiggers...well. Let's just say chiggers are the spawn of Satan sent to destroy your sanity through itching.

And now, how many of you itch after reading this? You're welcome.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

The background of my computer screen is currently a picture of Toothless from How To Train Your Dragon staring intently at the user of my computer.

He's so cute! 
When you drag the mouse to a very select portion of the screen on the lower right-hand side, all of the tabs and things open on the page disappear without warning to show you the background of the screen. 

Hi there. Were you doing something?

Most of the time I forget what is on my background as I almost always have a browser up. Today though, took the cake. I was happily browsing the internet when I accidentally found the disappearing sector with my mouse and the next thing I saw was.....

I will murder you in your sleep.
Have a nice day and don't get eaten by overly curious dragons. :)

Thursday, August 14, 2014

50 Shades of Smut

So the first trailer for the upcoming movie 50 Shades of Grey has aired, and the networks are going bonkers over it. NBC is hyping the heck out of this movie, and it is getting more and more attention as time goes by. I'm sure that by the time it comes out in February of 2015 everybody in America, and probably most of the people in first-world countries will know of this movie.

I personally have not read the book. I don't plan on intending to see the movie. My only thoughts on this movie is that I would like to bankrupt the studios that are producing this film, show them that America has a stronger moral fiber than just allowing Hollywood to shove whatever down our throats all the time. How can we bankrupt a studio you may ask? Well, I have a plan. First, I have a few thoughts on this story that I want to share with you all, and ask you to think about very carefully.

1. What makes this book different from all the other erotic novels that have been published over the years? That is all that 50 Shades of Grey is, 50 Shades of Erotic Garbage and Mind Pornography. By many accounts it is also one of the worst-written books ever. Have you gone online and watched any of the YouTube Videos titled "So-and-So reads 50 Shades of Grey"? My personal favorites are where Ellen Degeneres reads aloud, as well as Pewdiepie. Just hearing some of the lines from the book make you want to cringe. Actor after actor turned down the role of Christian Grey (including Charlie Hunnam, he read a few pages of script and then refused the role, and that's the guy that starred in Pacific Rim. I think we can all agree that movie isn't known for its brilliant, or even average dialogue.) So, why is this book/movie which by all accounts is terrible, become so popular?

2. This book is the one that the Twilight Series was based off of. Just remove the BDSM from 50 Shades of Grey, add vampires and keep the dialogue and voila.

3. This movie will be the first time that a porn is spread so widely in theatres. 50 Shades of Grey is rated R instead of X, as X-rated movies can't be shown in mainstream theatres. This movie will be shown alongside kids movies in theatres, how wonderful that children, teens, and discerning adults will get to see these trailers and movie posters every time they go to the theatre from now until well into next April or May.

4. This isn't a love story. It's an abusive and domineering relationship which by many accounts doesn't accurately reflect normal BDSM culture (if there is such a thing.) It's about a young woman who slowly has her entire life and person controlled by a ridiculously rich and bored older man, who has a two-dimensional personality. It is a slap in the face to all the movies that have come out in the last two years with a strong female lead, including Harry Potter, Divergent, The Hunger Games, and others. Because women really need to be pulled back to the dark ages and be told what to do. The worst part is that the characters don't even learn anything from the relationships, they sink deeper into them and just stay there. Not like Precious or other movies about abusive relationships that teach you how to get out of them, this one basically tells you to go even deeper into the abuse and co-dependancy.

So, a widely-spread porn that inspired Twilight, about abusive an abusive relationship that is horribly written is about to become the most-viewed movie in America. Back to the first question, why is this book so popular?
-It's easy to read
-It appeals to the lowest common denominator
-It doesn't make you think but lets you stay in a stupor while bathing your mind in garbage
-It's an easy way for companies to make porn more socially acceptable.

I know I haven't given a lot of statistics or research on the movie and frankly I don't want to. Go read Matt Walsh's blog on the subject if you want more research. Are you ready to bankrupt some studios with me? Here's how.

Stop talking about this movie, stop accepting the advertisements on it. When it comes out, don't go see it. Don't buy it. Don't give a cent of your money or a second of your time to this awfulness. Talk someone else out of seeing it. Let's do something drastic, by doing nothing about the movie, we can bankrupt the studio that gave the time of day to this film, and show Hollywood that we won't accept this smut in our lives. Who wants to bankrupt Focus Features, Michael Del Luca Productions, and Trigger Street Productions with me? Let's create a little chaos together.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

What My Grandma Thinks

It's nice to know that even through sad times, some things can make you smile.

I got up this morning and was feeling rather sad about Robin Williams. I admired him a great deal and his passing was a shock to me. At breakfast Grandma asked me how I was, and this is how the conversation went from there.

Me: I'm kinda sad today, Robin Williams passed away yesterday.

Grandma: Oh, that's too bad, I'm sorry about that.

Me: Did you know who he was?

Grandma: (gently) He was Batman wasn't he?

#laughingthroughthetears #RobinWilliamsisBatman

Relationship Advice: According to the Internet

When I have a question, I invariably turn to our favorite all-knowing pal, Google, to get it answered. Its the way things are done, and even if Google does fib on occasion (cotton ball fibers are NOT good for lengthening eyelashes), I still go back like an addict the next time I need a hit of information.

However, Google's relationship advice is some of the weirdest, most useless info that I have ever encountered. I blame Google instead if the various sites it spits out because Google is the one that leads me there. Sifting to page two is never an option, because Google becomes super- shady and weird the second you mix page two of the search results with relationship advice.

So, without further ado, I present to you Relationship Advice; According to Google. Cringe and enjoy.

If you want to attract a Man, wear perfume. Preferably lavender and pumpkin. Because those scents together make a guy sleepy and hungry for pumpkin pie. And everyone knows dousing yourself in weird smell combinations will disguise your penchant for eating garlic.

To be the most Romantic guy EVAR, make sure you surprise her. A lot. Like with a mariachi band. In the morning. To wake up to. What is more romantic than that?

If you want your guy to be passionate about you, wear the color Red. Because men are like bulls and will run at the color red indiscriminately. Who knows, if you wear enough red you may get men to actually run you over in the streets. Let's hope you have good medical insurance.

Women actually aren't afraid of aggression in men. Really? Whew, I was worried about that for a minute. Nice to know I'm actually not afraid of the Chris Brown types in this world, what I'm REALLY worried about is a man losing his masculinity and lots of other psychobabble that really means that I want guys to be MORE aggressive. Thanks, never would have known what I actually wanted without you telling me! How like a woman.

If you want to get your boyfriend to stop ignoring you and taking you for granted, start ignoring him. Really! Start ignoring phone calls, texts, never text him back in any reasonable length of time. Take a holiday without him for crying out loud. Definitely start texting and talking to your old flings, that'll go over really well and make him super jealous. Be busy and don't make time for him, that'll show him!

If you want your girlfriend to feel loved, buy her things and smile at her creepily! Everyone knows the way to a woman's heart is only by how much money you have, so buy her things. All the things. Even the stupid things, just make sure they are girly and kind of cute. This link even has the pictures, so enjoy! Oh, and also, don't be a man-whore and time your compliments. Only one every 30 minutes or so, or she'll think you've gone overboard. She might even be scared away when you combine it with your creepy smile. (Seriously, just click on this link for the illustrations, it'll teach you everything you need to know.)

Hope you enjoy, I'm kinda fed up with all the crazy relationship advice out there. If you really want some crazy stuff, wade through Yahoo's Answers pages, or go to Cosmo online. In my opinion, the best thing to do is to NOT listen to most of the advice online, but that's just my advice. Online.


Sunday, August 10, 2014

And the Michael Bay Award Goes To...

A while ago I had my first encounter with explosions at work. Explosions of an unconventional manner.

Day Shift: So this guy should be good. He hadn't pooped in 5 days before he got here, but he got some stool softeners earlier and then had a huge BM about an hour ago.

Me: *naively* Great!

At about 11pm that night, the call light goes off for that room. I happily walked down the hallway and opened the door to explosion. It was Everywhere.

The bed.

The floor.

The patient.

The walls.

The bathroom.

The patient's mother.

Patient's Mother: I...uh...need a bit of help here.

Me: Well, *whipping out my antibacterial wipes* let's get started.

Two showers, two complete clothing changes, a bed change, a thorough cleaning of the room and bathroom and 45 minutes later, the explosion was contained and all casualties of the explosion were cleaned and back in bed.

Patient's Mother: I guess those stool softeners worked.


Friday, August 8, 2014

That's Not How You're Supposed To Do It....

Sometimes things get a little hectic at the hospital. I just concentrate on my patients and ensure they are well taken care of. Most of my coworkers are wonderful, intelligent people that truly enjoy the work that they do. Once in awhile I encounter a nurse that makes me wonder how they ever made it through nursing school without a dunce cap on their heads. And then I write a blog about it.

One night I came into a patient's room because their oxygen levels were dropping. I was surprised to find their nasal cannula on and a simple mask set tightly over their mouth and nose. The nasal cannula was set at 4 liters of oxygen (which from a nasal cannula feels like sticking an airbrush up your nose) and the mask wasn't even hooked up to an oxygen tank. I turned the cannula back down to 1 liter (all the patient was cleared for/needed) and hid the mask in the bedside drawer. Then I went in search of answers.

Me: So I found my patient with both a nasal cannula and a mask on.

Nurse: I put the mask on over the cannula.

Me: What? Why?

Nurse: Well, she was breathing with her mouth open and I wanted her to keep it closed.

Me: You know we aren't supposed to do that, just move the cannula down to the mouth so they still get oxygen.

Nurse: I do this all the time, it usually works.

Me: .....


Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Question of the Day

If you were a girl and you had to get a double mastectomy so that you didn't even have nipples anymore, just two scars on a flat chest and then elected not to get reconstructive surgery, do you think you'd be able to go topless at the beach without getting arrested?

Here's my thoughts on that. I think you should be able to in that case, because seriously, what are we afraid of at that point? Plus I don't know why boobs should be illegal in the first place. Men's nipples aren't illegal at the beach, I just think the system is unfair. 

Also, you'd probably get some prissy lady telling you to 'cover up for the kids.' It's America people.


Monday, August 4, 2014

5 Things You Should NEVER Post on Social Media

Some things do not belong on social media. The state of your great-grandma's toenails is one. The insipid teenage whining about how no one likes you is another. Other things are a little harder to decide about. So, I have made a list of 5 things never to post on social media. If you're conflicted about whether or not to put something up, go through this list. If it meets one, or heaven forbid, all of the categories, then save yourself and all of your friends the trouble by not posting.

1. Anything 'Fishy'.
"So Bored."
"Nobody loves me."
"Having a bad day."
All of those are just looking for compliments and/or attention. Really? You're so insecure you have to post it on social media for everyone to see? Well excuse me, I'll just throw you a fish!

2. Rants designed to offend.
Rants have their time and place. If you feel passionate about something, by all means share it. However, there are rants that have no place on social media. These are rants that are designed to stir up emotion, to really step on people's toes. These are rants with specific social, political, economical, and other themes. The biggest difference between appropriate rants and inappropriate ones are the ones that state something to the effect of, "And if you think differently then you're dumb." Really? People are designed to have opinions so....

3. Anything with poor grammar or spelling. 
On purpose or not, take the time to enlighten yourself. We are a culture of socially driven people, and often the written word is where people will get their first opinions of you. So fix it. If you don't know what is considered poor grammar or spelling, allow me to shed some light on the subject by means of Weird Al.

4.Family Issues
Again, social media is not the place to air family problems and try to get feedback on them. We don't want to know how much your aunt annoys you, or how you dad won't give you money, or how the super-complicated proceedings of your divorce are going. I've unfriended people for this, the drama is annoying and you may think it's supposed to be important to your entire social circle but I've got news for you, it's not. So get some counseling or something, but keep it off Facebook!

5. Honeymoon photos
This is what irks me the most. Honeymoon photos with the hashtag #sexytime. Please no, for the love of everyone's sanity, do not remind all your friends, family, acquaintances, work buddies, and that random homeless dude you befriended once how you have successfully overcome singledom  and are now in a paradise land getting it on. No one wants to know. Especially not me. There, rant over. If you don't know by now what to keep off social media then there's no help for you.

What other inappropriate uses of social media have you come across? Comments are below, #sexytimecommentsarebest.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Compliments to the Coworker

I sometimes get to have fun conversations with my patients. One night I was talking with a cute older lady about how she moves from one spot to the other.

Betty White: There's only two of your coworkers that can move my all by themselves.

Me: Who are they?

Betty White: That tall skinny guy in PT, and that other one here. Tall, dark, nice muscles and a few tattoos?

Me: Oh yes, you're talking about The Rock. (*Names changed for comedy purposes)

Betty White: That's right! (Leans in conspiratorially) I made him move my pillows just so I could feel his muscles.

Me: Oh that's....nice?

Betty White: You're darn right, *dreamy sigh* He is a beautiful man.

#thatismynewcatchphrase #he'llneverlivethatdown

Thursday, July 31, 2014

And They Say You Should Be The Smart One

I recently started a job as a Health Care Assistant. It's a long, thankless job that involves a lot of poop, but sometimes nuggets of comedy show up. I wanted to share a short story on idiocy for a moment that I encounter in the workplace.

At work we have a video monitor on which we watch our impulsive patients to make sure they don't pull out IV's or try to get out of bed without help. If a patient does need assistance, we are supposed to send another aide in. One night I was assigned to watch video monitor...

Me: Hey, *New Hire* could you go see room 3? He pulled off his oxygen mask for the trach again. (Not a big deal, but oxygen levels will get low if left off too long)

New Hire: Sure!

Mr. New Hire walks into the room, carefully picks up the mask, and then stares at it as if it were an alien creature. Finally, ignoring the arrows that clearly point "This Way UP", he puts it on upside down. It doesn't fit. Mr. New Hire takes it off, stares at it again, and puts it on...upside down, again.

It is at this point I hear muttered Russian curses from over my shoulder. Our head nurse has noticed Mr. New Hire's idiocy and marches to the room to fix the issue.

Later I had an opportunity to ask Mr. New Hire about it.

Me: So...have your worked as an aide before?

Mr. New Hire: Oh yes, I think that I was very good and that is why I got hired here.

Me: Uh Huh, so are you going to school for this?

Mr. New Hire: Yes, I am in the nursing program and I will be a great nurse one day


Sunday, July 13, 2014

Wanted: New Best Friend

I've had some issues with my close friends recently. To be more specific, my two best friends have become distant to the point that the best friend post in my life is rather empty. Let me explain, keeping in mind that I love these two people like crazy and wish that life was different.
          First:: My best friend forever currently lives in Florida. That's well and good, but I miss her like crazy and she is often unavailable to speak with due to time differences and jobs. The bigger fact of the matter is, as she's not close she is unavailable for girls nights out. You know, like going to see sappy movies your boyfriend won't go see, staying at home and doing nail parties, and going out for ice cream at 1am just because you feel like it. Plus I miss the ghost hunting.
          Second, my best Utah friend started dating a guy in February and has basically disappeared from off the face of the earth. It is now July and I can count on one hand the number of times we've hung out and it only takes two hands to count the number of times we've had an actual conversation. I used to talk to her once ever few days, now I'm lucky if it's once a month. Lists and lists of unreturned texts and calls have necessitated looking elsewhere for someone to confide in. Same issue with having no one to call on for impromptu hang-outs.

So! Instead of moping I have begun a search for a new best friend. Please read the below posting for information and how to apply to be Charlotte's Best Friend. Perks and remuneration for filling said post are numerous, the most important ones are listed at the end :)

Wanted: One Best Friend

I am looking for a new best friend, qualifications are as follows...

- Must Be: Female between the ages of 21 and 28. Ages may be waived depending on maturity level. It is possible for a male to be my best friend, but he must fit all the other qualifications below.
- Practicing LDS or have extensive experience with the LDS culture. This is very important, as someone who can't or refuses to understand this culture will not understand a core part of me.
- Experienced at dating. Preferably had at least 2, if not more previous relationships. *Can be currently in a relationship.*
- Not currently married. You may consider getting engaged or married, after 3 months of being best friends, but to start out this relationship you must be single on your tax forms.
- Likes to talk and knows how to listen
- Able to keep secrets. (Duh, that's like, the whole purpose of having a best friend.)
- Stable emotionally, not crazy. **

-Engage in 2-3 phone conversations per week. Each may be up to one hour in length, possibly shorter.
-Willing to come over at least once per week or as needed.
-Availiable for emergency counseling/advice (this will be once or twice a month)
-Answers phone calls/texts in a timely manner ***
-Live within 30 minutes of my house

You will get in return for performing these duties: 1 best friend, possibly for life. You will get a confidante, someone who adores you, who will go to the weird concerts with you and smile anyways, who knows how to cook, have fun, and has lots of cute guy friends if you need set up. Plus I'll be honest if those jeans actually do make you look fat, and suffer through early morning yoga with you if you want to get in shape.
Also free concert tickets, free dinner occasionally, fantastic nails, hair advice, shopping buddy. Your call really, the time you put in will be the time you get back.

I'm a fantastic friend, and an even better bestie. What I really want is someone to confide in about my dating life, to hear the issues and celebrate the good stuff, and someone to do something with when I'm super bored. Right now my confidantes are my mom (who opens up dating convo's by asking, "You engaged yet?" No, can't get him to call me on his own so...yeah) and my BFF, who unfortunately has never had a boyfriend and lives too far away to give me notes on how she observes his actions. I mean, seriously, Google can only get me so far. I'll do all of the same for you.

Sound interesting? Want a new BFF? Shoot me an email at with the title; NEW BEST FRIEND APPLICATION, and why you think we should give being besties a shot. We'll set up lunch and possibly a screening process (in the form of going to a movie, and another night where we talk and get to know each other while doing nails.) After that, we'll take it from there!

*If in relationship or going to get in one, this expectation uppermost: Doesn't dedicate life to boyfriend. Many girls become impossible to get in contact with once they start dating someone (see above), this is not acceptable in a best friend as that negates the purpose of having a best friend. If this happens you will be regulated to just 'friend'. Plus, that's really not healthy for you.
**I have had best friends that try to drive away all my other friends, one that tried to kill themself, one that would call me 12 times a day until I went crazy. A small amount of what can be deemed 'interesting' is necessary and healthy even, however if you can't regulate your own emotions then other people can't do it for you, so please don't expect me to do that.
***As far as answering phone calls and texts, this is kind of a no-brainer. If you're at work or out with other friends or with family, you're not expected to answer. You are however expected to get back to me either with a kind, 'I'm busy' text or a phone call later that night. 24 hours is the absolute longest you can go without returning a call, you know it's just rude to go for days and weeks without returning calls. Just be honest when you're busy, it's not like I'm expecting you to drop your life for me, just take 20 seconds and return a text. The same will go in return for you.

Monday, June 16, 2014

A Year of Dates

My To-Do List of Dates

How all couples should meet
For quite some time now I've run into this problem. What to do on the date upon which I'm about to embark? Now dates can be simple, complex, long, or short, but they all have one thing in common. Two people going out in order to get to know each other better. Whether you've been on one date or a million, this is always important. All too often, I run into the trap of, "What do ya wanna do?" "I don't know whadda you wanna do? "I don't know...let's do something!"

So, in hopes of avoiding the dreaded trap, I have compiled my rather lengthy list of date ideas. This is the 'bucket list' of dates, I want to do all of these someday. My goal in coming up with the ideas was simple, fun, and inexpensive. Now, this has been tailored to those who live in the Salt Lake area, but you can easily adapt the specific places I've mentioned (Asylum 49 for your fav local haunted house for example) and you'll have more dates than you can sneeze at. Without further ado, here they are!

1. Picnic in the park
2. Walk Gateway mall and run through the fountain
3. Try all the frozen yogurt stores nearby and pick a favorite.
4. Sneak into Lagoon using the resident pass just to ride the Superman. (My name for the one that drops you from 400 feet in a huge swing.)
5. Explore that old, creepy barn. At night. And take pictures.
6. Make out in the middle of the mall.
7. Each of you compile a CD of fav songs and then listen to them together.
8. Go to library together and pick out a book for the other person to read.
9. Climb to flag on mountain.
10. Go hot-tubbing, preferably somewhere you're not supposed to, like a hotel you didn't check in at.
11. Go waterskiing.
12. Weekend trip to Yellowstone or Jackson Hole or wherever you can get in 8 hrs of driving.
13. Go to a store, pick out outfits for each other, try them on. Laugh.
14. Try out the Twilight Concert Series in Salt Lake, just to laugh at the bands.
15. Write a short story one evening, switching off each paragraph with the other person.
16. Quiet dinner and movie at the house, but don't really watch the movie.
17. Sneak into the others workplace and kidnap them for 5 minutes to kiss in a closet.
18. Film a Vine together.
19. Walk around the downtown and take pictures of the graffiti.
20. Take the other person to your place of work and show them off.
21. Play video games.
22. Make a ridiculous music video together.
23. Go apartment shopping, even if neither of you has any interest in moving.
24. Try that crazy dance club.
25. Go to a bar with live music and order super fruity drinks.
26. Pretty much any excuse to kiss, hold hands, or make out. Find the excuses.
27. Make costumes together.
28. TP one of your arch-enemies houses.
29. Spend the evening looking up how to say, "I love you" in 20 different languages.
30. Have a nerf-gun fight. Or water balloon fight.
31. Go swimming. Preferably where neither of you have been.
32. Speaking of that, go wading in the Tempe square reflecting pool.
33. Go to Idaho just to go horseback riding.
34. Trampoline park anyone?
35. Paintball with friends, but ditch the friends on the way home.
36. Sneak into a theatre just to hold impromptu performances for each other.
37. Make your fav dinner for them.
38. Get some friends and a large, dark building and play sardines. (Reverse of hide-and-go seek. One person hides, everyone goes to find them and once you find them, you hide with them.)
39. Camping.
40. Show up unexpectedly at the other persons house with a random gift, stay only 10 minutes but kiss the whole time.
41. Climb to the top of a random skyscraper just to see what's up there.
42. Give each other a foot massage.
43. Go ice-blocking.
44. Climb a tree.
45. Organize a movie outside.
46. Go sledding.
47. Build an igloo and have a picnic.
48. Go on a hike.
49. Go to Nicklemania (or other and spend the whole time playing 2 person games, or challenging the other person, or just having fun.
50. Fid the weirdest restaurant you can and eat there.
51. Find the closest cheap concert and go, no matter the band.
52. Go to a museum, imitate the displays and take pictures.
53. Explore a big old, or big new library.
54. Find a farmer's market and pretend to be an old Russian married couple. Confuse the heck out of everyone you meet.
55. Go rock-climbing.
56. Find a weird TV show on Netflix and watch an episode. Write a review online.
57. Find a really old, dumb movie and riff-trax it. (As in, heckle.)
58. Go through a haunted house just to hang on tight to each other. (Asylum 49, Castle of Chaos, Fear Factory, or the best one, Nightmare on 13th)
59. Make up a dance routine to your song together, pretend you're on Dancing With the Stars.
60. Karaoke night.
61. Take a horse-carriage ride.

There, more than a year's worth of ideas, even if you do more than one a week on occasion. Dating is important, whether you're brand-new to the scene or married 50 years. The worst thing you can do is get stuck in a rut. I once dated a guy that only wanted to sit on his couch and stare at the wall while he fell asleep. AFTER I'd driven to his house, at his request, because..... he didn't have any ideas? Still confused as to why I did that. Needless to say, Mr. Boring didn't last long in the romantic scene of my life.

Have some give and take, but don't say no to something just because it seems weird or hard or you've never done it before. Try that sushi, you may even like it. At the very least you'll say, "Well, I'm doing something that I didn't do yesterday." That's what life's really about, finding the adventure. Have fun dating! And whatever you do, don't feed the homeless on 400 South, they bite.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

How To Break Up With People You're Not Dating

Every time I get emotional I end up writing a blog of some sort. Most of them don't make it to publication, thank goodness for all 30 of my readers, haha, but this one I thought needed to be handled a bit and hopefully I'll have some useful information for single people.

How to break up with someone you're not technically dating. Yes it's important. This is for those situations when you started going out on dates with someone, you've been on a couple and they were pretty okay but for some reason you know that it's not going to work out or now now you can't/don't want to go out anymore. This means you'll have to *gasp* communicate.

First off, I always advocate the honesty route. Tell the person why you don't want to see them anymore. You should be being honest from the start and if that's the case, it leaves pathways open (say you have to choose between two really great people and need to focus on one at a time, let the other know what you're doing.) With guys or girls, that is the decent thing to do.

Now, a lot of the information out there says an email is acceptable as a way to break things off. Nope. Not for the 30 and under generation. Who gets anyone's emails anymore as a way of communicating?
"Hey, you're pretty cool, let me get your email address." Nope, don't even think about it.

Here's a quick guide. 
After 1st date: Text (phone call may be a bit much) or your favorite communication method. If you met them over a dating website and are still talking over it, then you can go with that. If you regularly talk to them in a parking lot at midnight, then use that method.
After 2nd date: Text, think about a phonecall, or favorite communication method.
After 3rd date: Phone call. In person IF that's your favorite communication method (i.e. parking lot at midnight.)
After 4th date and beyond: Definitely phone call or in person (if you're seeing them casually).
*If you kissed after the 1st or 2nd date, jump straight to after 3rd date protocol. Anything that intimate means you did have a connection and now you should explain voice-to-voice why you're doing what you're doing.*

Here's the in-depth guide with reasons and life experiences to back it up.
Okay, so text versus calling. If it's been one or two dates then things probably aren't all that serious between the two of you yet. As such, you're probably setting up dates over text still, and as such this is an acceptable way to break things off. Say you're not feeling the chemistry, are getting more interested in someone else, think their breath stinks, whatever, you can send them a politely worded text if they ask you out for that second or third date. "Hey, I think you're really great but I've (insert excuse here). So thanks, but I'll see you around." Short, to the point. If you need help thinking of an excuse look at the honesty paragraph above, then see the special addenum below for special circumstances.

Now, here's the situations when a phone call is necessary. If it's after the third date. If you've kissed goodnight. If you really care about the person and want to make things clear. If an old flame came back. If you're not feeling the chemistry anymore. Ect. Basically any situation that has been a little more involved. (Note, this does not apply to crazy people or psychopaths, see special addenum for those circumstances.)

For the phone call, here's what you do. Easy way: Think of what you're going to say, then pick a good time and call them. Say what you've got to say, then you're done.
Way for the Faint of Heart (i.e. my way): Write out a few notes on a piece of paper on what you want to say and what you have to get across. Have it in hand to look at if you get befuddled. Be sure that you're making the right choice. (Sometimes you just have to choose and then go with it, but be sure you can stick to your guns in your mind.) Stare at the phone. Call your mom or best friend and have them tell you why a phone call is the more mature, thoughtful thing to do. Psych yourself up. Pick up the phone, make the call. Cry afterward. Call your best friend and eat some ice cream. Done.

A phone call is the nice thing and also the hard thing to do. I will suffer for days before I finally pick up the phone for that difficult call. I would honestly rather stew in my emotions than take the 2 minutes that phone-call will take and get it off my chest. I will chew the inside of my cheek to shreds and get stress-acne. So I get that it's hard, I get that text would be easier. A phone call however is the best way to go. It's clear, to the point, and you can say what you want. If it's anyone I care about I will end up bawling after the call. That's okay, it means you're human. It's good to let the emotions flow a bit. The person will appreciate the call and will remember your maturity. It leaves doors open to still being friends/still having future dates. So make that fricking phone call.

That's pretty much it. I don't advocate meeting someone in person to tell them that you're breaking off seeing them anymore. If you're not in a committed relationship then setting up another meeting just to break it off is rather cruel. For girls and guys, someone has to go to the extent of planning the date and getting all ready to go out and psyched up. We are so disconnected in our day and age that an in-person meeting is really intimate. If they are your committed boyfriend/girlfriend, well that's a story for another time. Basically it'll depend on the circumstances and what you know that they would prefer.

Special Addenum/Special Circumstances.
Do you need help thinking of a nice excuse as to why you don't want to see them again? Here's how to do it. Say you went on a date and realized they had awful breath. After the second date they still had awful breath and you cannot imagine seeing them again. For your excuse, you can be really brave and tell them their breath may need worked on.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

10 Things That Say You're Actually an Adult

10 Things That Say You're Actually an Adult

10. You buy donuts whenever you want. Seriously. Not too often though because you know how to take care of yourself. 

9. You stay out until 2 a.m. and no parental-type figures freak out or call the cops. Heck, you stay out all night sometimes!

8. The thought of sharing a room with someone makes you physically want to barf. You're too old for that crap. (See exceptions below, you married folks.)

7. You PAY YOUR OWN PHONE BILL. I cannot stress this enough, you get the heck off your parents plans and pay your own phone bill like the responsible person you are.

6. Your parents are less your parents and more like your close older friends. Speaking of that, your parents ask YOU for advice every once in awhile. Not very often, and they do tell you what to do occasionally because they are your parents, but seriously, you're realizing they're actually pretty cool people.

5. Cheap health insurance is the most exciting benefit of your job, and you actually know what a 401k is.

4. You make your own doctors appointments and know how to take care of yourself. From the food you eat to the once-yearly checkups, you know how to help yourself be a healthy individual. 

3. You're excited by the prospect of being able to pay your own rent. And bills. Especially phone bills. Have I mentioned that enough yet?

2. You've given up an unrealistic dream or two in pursuit of something better, even if that dream was all you wanted when you were younger. You're realizing what life is about, and you've found better dreams to achieve. I mean seriously, was beating all the levels of Skyrim seriously your 

1. You know what you want out of relationships. Whether this is dating, married life, regular friends, work associates, or close family, you know what you want. You may not know how to get it always, but you know how to compromise, sacrifice, and develop in relationships in your life. Most importantly, you know how to let people go.

That's my defining list for being an adult. Obviously there are a few exceptions. Married people, I sure hope you're sharing a room, or at least a place where you sleep in close proximity to one another. Phone bills are another. If you're on your parents plan and donating to the cause of keeping phone bills low, that's just smart. Letting your parents pay everything for you? Now that's just irresponsible.

Some people say they hate being an adult, that they'd go back to being a care-free child in a heartbeat. I never would. While I miss being young and relatively care-free, I enjoy making my own decisions too much for that to ever be something that I want to go back to.

As for relationships with anyone, in any form, they are difficult. Knowing how to give and take is important, and I think most of all it's letting go. That's something I've had to do a lot recently as people have grown up and moved on. It hurts, but letting go is an important part of life. That's just how it is, and how it always will be. Plus stalkers are creepy, so don't be that person. :)

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

What Happened to Table Manners?!?!

I've run into this several times, but more so in the last week than ever before. It is a plague that needs to be addressed. Do you know what I'm talking about?

People. Young people. People who should know better. Young, smart, up-and-coming people who should definitely know better but somehow don't. Sometimes even old people, and those are the worst because you can't tell them off for doing it. These people are apparently oblivious to the fact that they're doing it, oblivious to the poor ears of others.

Do you know what it is?

Poor eating skills in public. I'm not talking about at restaurants or bus stops or other places that you're supposed to be eating. If you have bad manners in the privacy of your own home then I don't care. Heck, if you have bad manners at a restaurant then you're still paying for the food and space so go right ahead. I won't stop you. I won't even give you a disapproving look. 

It's the people that decide they are going to eat in the quiet places. You know. In the library. Or in a study room. Or when they are sharing a table with a stranger and decide that loudly gulping their drink is the appropriate way to go. Or at a family dinner. Or at a dinner with friends. What do you think you're doing?

You. Yes you. Asshole who thinks that bringing an entire bag of chicken fingers to class is appropriate. You sit there and chomp and snarf and annoy the heck out of everyone around you. Can you not see the various disapproving looks that you're getting? Can you not see how annoyed the teacher is? I hope she docks 10% from your grade just for that.

What specifically has to go is this. Gloops (my mom's name for people with poor table manners) who choose quiet places to loudly consume food. These Gloops lick their plates, fingers, knives, or eating companions. They belch loudly, for no reason at all. Loudly smacking while chewing. Chewing with your mouth open. Holding eating utensils improperly so your elbow is miles high. Eating way too fast or way too slow. These Gloops also may sniff (sounds like *snark*) at the table or in quiet rooms without blowing their nose. I've even seen some of these Gloops refuse a proffered tissue in favor of sniffing it all up again and again. Is your stomach roiling yet?

This is becoming a more and more common problem. I think in part it has to do with people spending more and more time in front of computers with their earbuds in. They don't interact with people or hear themselves, so how can they be possibly expected to know that their eating habits make me want to grind knives into  my ears. 

Maybe the reason it bothers me so much is that when I was younger I used to have unofficial 'best manners' contests with my sister. Both of us had sensitive ears, my sister even more so than me, and the mere sound of someone chewing was enough to drive her off her dinner. So we'd sit at the table with each other and work at not being heard at dinner. Did you know it's possible to eat a potato chip without any sound at all? Well it is. (You want to know how? Go experiment, maybe you'll learn something along the way.) The thing we both learned from it though was how to have impeccable manners. 

Sadly, people with good manners, or even people capable of good manners are becoming harder and harder to find. Here are a few more examples.

There is an older person in my family who shall not be named, but this person has a habit I can hardly stand. Every time a condiment is poured from a bottle, be it ketchup, Worcestershire, or ranch, this person takes their index finger, wipes it along the top edge of the bottle, and then puts it in their mouth, smacking loudly at the same time. Do you want to use a condiment after someone has practically licked the top? You do? Well, maybe you'd better keep reading. This person regularly licks their fingers in the loudest and most obnoxious way possible, and because they are my elder the family rules dictate I do not correct their manners. I have corrected them out of reflex on times, (to both mine and their embarrasement) but it never makes a difference. I suppose if you get to that age you assume you can do whatever you want, but maybe there's a reason a lot of old people are alone. Just saying. 

Also just saying, said older person loves to cook, but the habit they have of licking their fingers without washing has caused some people to be sick from said cooking. It's sad, but true, and no amount of reasoning can get them to see what's wrong with that.

I've heard and read countless stories where someone invites a coworker or professional prospect out for a business lunch and is so put off by their manners that they never invite them out again. It's like, so much for that job, you ate all the bruschetta before your business partner could even pull out the olive oil. 

What happened to common decency and keeping your fingers out of the sauces? What happened to keeping your mouth closed while you chew?

I have another friend with whom I have to put on blinders every time we eat together, otherwise it drives me insane. She eats her food pretty well, but eats it so slowly that absolutely everyone else at the table is done before she even is halfway through. She also manages to push some of her food off her plate while eating so it ends up on the table in a nice, messy, circle on the table. It's really disgusting. I've addressed the issue with her gently, but her reasoning is that if people actually care about her then they won't care about how she eats. I guess that's true, I mean, we're still friends and all. But I do care, so if you're this person, then for heaven's sake get a to-go bag if your entree takes you more than 30 minutes to be consumed. (For comparison, a regular entree takes someone about 10 minutes to eat.)

Okay, here's the issue. We aren't respecting the food and we aren't respecting other people. Do you think if we respected other people we would annoy them with the chewed contents of our mouths? Do you think if we respected food and how rare good food is for some people that we would mash it around, stick our fingers in it, and loudly and mindlessly consume in study groups? I think not.

I admit I have problems with eating. I'm too sensitive to the sights, sounds, and smells others make while eating. Almost everything bothers me. I prefer to eat alone. Last night my grandma came down to talk to me after I got home from work and was trying to make myself a snack. I got so uptight about her watching me eat that all I could manage was two strawberries and a drink of water. I also prefer first dates because then people are on their best behaviors. You'll never see a decent guy stick his fingers in the dipping sauce on the first date, that comes out on the third or fourth date. That aside, I do what I think is a fairly decent job of keeping these quirks to myself. I eat alone when possible and pretend it doesn't bother me. However, it does help me to see where many Gloops are making their mistakes. So I'm ranting about it here, where you can pretend I'm not actually talking to or about you and thus not hurt your feelings.

This all must go. For the sake of your professional careers, your friendships, and your love lives, please have good manners. Take a little common courtesy, improve yourself, and figure it out.

Here's a poem that I memorized when I was about 7, but sums up the problem facing us and our food today. Memorize it. Learn it. Don't be a Gloop.

The Gloops they lick their fingers, 
the Gloops they lick their knives.
They spill their broth on the table cloth, 
oh they lead disgusting lives.

The Gloops they talk while eating,
and loud and fast they chew. 
And that is why I'm glad that I
am not a Gloop, are you?

Friday, March 21, 2014

Online and Social Media Dating: It's Exhausting

I decided to try online dating again.

Yes, again. I tried it out about a year ago and was met with mixed results. The bottom line became that I just wasn't into it and preferred to focus my social energy on my friend group. (And I went on a date with a guy who said he wanted to eat cats. Note: never EVER say that on a first date. Probably not on a fifth one either unless you're having a heart-to-heart about what lengths you would go to for survival. Not that your reason is you're curious about the taste. Just, ew.)

So I decided to try it again just to see. One reason was that I wanted to expand my range of meeting people. Two was that my BFF made me sign up and I didn't cancel the trial in time and now I'm stuck with a six-month membership. Well, if you're stuck with something you don't really want, you should use it? I guess?

Me: Hmm, a six-month membership. Really? What's the point?
My Brain: You might meet someone you like, remember how it worked for *Merida?
Me: Yeah? What about Velociraptor Man and Beard Dude? Or Zombie Girl and Bendy? Didn't work out for them!
My Brain: All of those people were and are acting within a social construct, meaning they're looking but not ready to accept love, which is why their relationships aren't working out-
Me: Shut up, I hate you.
My Brain: If you can't first love yourself then who will love you?
My Brain: Point is, you should use the membership, really try, and see what happens.
Me: I take no responsibility for the fallout, got it?
My Brain: Fair enough.
Me: While we're talking, if you're so smart why am I not in a relationship yet?
My Brain: talk to yourself?
Me: .....oh yeah.

As you can tell I was off to a great start. So, despite inner turmoil I constructed a dating profile. I pulled some of my best pictures, a few of my not-so-great ones, and mixed them all together with a witty and compelling personal story to make readers interested in me as a person...
     Welcome to my profile, be warned, if you spontaneously fall in love can't say that I didn't warn you! Okay, obnoxious tagline out of the way...
Well, maybe not as compelling as all that.

So, two months in, here's what I've found.

Online dating is, in a word, exhausting.

The sheer amount of profiles, the names and interests. The people that I message who don't message back. The people who message me that I refuse to message back. The people that message me on the same day ten other people message me and I simply don't have the time to go through them all. The weeks where no one messages me and where I go through loads of self-doubt and loathing. It all happens.

While I can't say I've found a relationship or even been on any dates yet, here's what I can say to those looking for advice, male or female. (If you don't want the advice then too bad, you're stuck reading this so ha! Wait, don't click out! Don't leave meeeee!)

1. Be interesting. Put something in your personal story that makes me smile, makes someone else smile, frown, laugh, basically anything more than...
          "Hey, I'm new to this online thing but thought I'd give it a try! Haha. Don't know what else to say but yeah, I'm interested in a lot of things, message me if you want to know more!"
          I mean, seriously? You're basically forcing me to make a decision on whether to talk to you off your pictures so you better hope you look like a freaking supermodel because I'm sure not talking to you for your amazing personality or way with words at this point. Tell me about your Doctor Who or Psych obsession. How you accidentally pantsed your sister at a football game once. On a scale of one to Heath Ledger as the Joker how much you love ice cream. Just pull a bit of your personality out and let it shine. Or sizzle. Or die like a sparkler on the 4th of July. Whatever, just say something!

2. Put up a Good Picture. Please. Don't leave your profile picture blank, otherwise I'm forced to assume you're a 57 year old pedophile who looks like Christopher Walken and sleeps with his mother's dead ashes at night.

3. Don't Take It Personally if They Don't Message You Back. Flipping to third person here, so you wrote a cute and flirty one-liner and sent it off. And...they never messaged you back. "What was wrong with that?" you cry in frustration. "Why don't the people I'm interested in get back to me?" Answer; they're busy. They got ten other messages that day. Their dog died. Reruns of The Office are on. Whatever, don't take it personally.

4. Do Take It Personally If They Don't Message You Back. All you did was send a smiley face and say "Hey."? Or, "Hey, I like your smile."? Don't do that. Don't be that person. Remember rule #1? Be interesting. If someone is forced to pick and choose who they interact with that day, they're going to pick the person who decided to tell them about how they went on a trip to Sochi. Or a trip to their backyard. Or how they pantsed their sister at a football game. Anything that is more interesting then a 'hey'. Take it personally and change what you're doing.

5. Look Within Your Age Range. Seriously, all you 35 year old males, there are tons of 35 year old women out there who love running marathons and cooking and would love to meet an attractive, smart male who is their age. What are you doing messaging me? Now I'm not ruling out that age differences can work. For example, Benedict Cumberbatch is 37 and I think we would work very well together. However, in online dating you need to be able to establish common ground, (any dating really) and at this point we grew up in different decades and didn't even watch the same cartoons! Oh, and all you 18-20 year olds who are messaging me, what are you thinking? I've got siblings your age and that's just weird.
          Honestly, a large age difference can make it hard to connect with your partner. Relationships are based on common ground and mutual respect. If you're male, don't look beyond 5 or so years younger and most likely 2-3 years older. If you're female, 5 years or so older and 2-3 years younger. This is a maturity thing, and there's a reason the majority of people stay within this range. Age combinations other than this can work, but usually don't.

6. Have a Sense of Humor About It. Now, this isn't saying that you need to be funny. Just don't take it too seriously and be able to laugh at all the things that happen. For example, I got a message from a guy who told me instantly that he wanted to lock me up in his basement. Well, not really, here's the actual message:
Hello Dear,
How are you doing today?
I believe you are doing great!
I must confess,that your profile is simple and honest.Am confident that we are a great match.Hopefully you reply me to witness the birth of a wonderful,loving,caring and honest relationship that will last forever till death do us part.The Lord is our guide and protection.
Till I hear from you.
Stay blessed.

I heard once that you shouldn't be discouraged if you have stalkers or creepers. Just because they're stalkers doesn't mean they have bad taste! Roll with it, laugh, move on, and for heaven's sake don't message these ones back.

7. Look for A Connection Through Communication. In the end, we're all doing this so we can meet someone that we could spend the rest of our lives with. We've all got that common ground, so take that into account. When you're talking to someone, keep that in mind. Think about how hard this journey's been for you. It's been just as hard for them, if not harder. Make an effort to reach out, speak to the other person, and really connect. You'll be rewarded greatly, and the amount of effort you put in is what you'll get out of it.

That's all I've got to say. Looking through all the profiles and getting the constant rejection as well as the constant interaction is exhausting. You may think it's not worth it but in the end, you're learning something with each interaction, each date, and that helps get you one step closer to your goal in the end. So many people get burned out and swear off dating. Don't be that person, take a step back if you need to and enjoy the ride. Mr or Mrs right could be right around the corner, that next profile, and you wouldn't want to miss out! Besides, at the very least you'll get some good stories out of it.

*Notes: All names have been changed for privacy and comedy's sake. Also I've been away for awhile. Not really away, more like, just busy doing other stuff. If you want the end of the Sherlock story, message me. It was getting the lowest views so I stopped posting it. Can't promise I won't go away again, busy with school and work and such, also actually writing a book which takes up writing time, but anyway, hope you enjoyed the post!*

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Reading Thoughts: Doctor Sleep by Stephen King

For me, reading a good book has always been like a minor explosion going off in my mind. The narrative cycles between my frontal and parietal lobes in a sensation that is so real I can truthfully feel the words as they slip into my brain. The right combinations are like a gorgeous dark liquid. Black ink that explodes when perfect sequences melt together. Purple, red, orange, pink, blue, cyan, scarlet, ocher, chocolate, gold. Myriads of these words form something so beautiful it can't be put into words. Nothing can truly capture the feeling. 
I just read Stephen King's Doctor Sleep. What a gorgeous book. My grandma looked at me with concern when I finished. She had just asked how I liked the book and I laughed and told her everybody died. I suppose that makes me a bit insane, which is just how I like it. Funny feeling this, to be happy when people die. I suppose, if it's the right people in the framework of the story, you feel the sorrow but the symphony is so perfectly nuanced that you know you'd never change it for the world.
My mind feels perfectly balanced on the pinnacle between that world and this. Slogging back out of it was like climbing up from the deep recesses of sleep. Normal thinking requires much less of the brain. Sitting and staring at a movie even less. Books are something that cannot be replicated by the best movie, for they are intensely personal experiences. The changes happening within your mind when you read a book are so intimate as to be sacred. Reading Doctor Sleep was a majestic, dark symphony, as all of Stephen King's books are. Some have a different timbre, some a lighter, some a darker tone. Some end on harsh notes, others are sweeter. Everybody dies, somebody lives, the wrong ones or the right ones. Some strike chords that are so discordant they jostle you out of the web of words. 
The symphony created by Doctor Sleep was a deep one. It stretched back and pulled up old memories streaming over years. They echo of even more experience, experience I currently only guess at. The more you know the less you know you know. The book had the right chords, the right echoes that ran backwards and forwards through time. The discordant, yet secretly pleasing mass of inappropriate words sprinkled thoughts that were utterly truthful. I cannot dissect it other than feel the symphony still running through my veins. I suspect it will stay that way for days to come.
To anyone reading this mass of words and phrases, it is mostly inane musings of an average mind. A mind that just experienced something wonderful. I read very fast, so 500 pages took me about four hours. I can't tell you how I read like that and still understand things. What I can tell you, what I've been trying to say, is that when the book is good you don't see the actual words anymore. You see pictures. You hear music. You taste color. Your imagination pulls things together faster than you could speak, faster than conscious thought. The experience can sometimes leave your brain heavy, but a well-spoken narrative flows more smoothly than water through a glass. Except the liquid isn't water, it is a thick, smooth, heavy miasma with colors and meaning. A small stretch of time that pours through the filters of your mind, laying bare all the nutrients for the neurons to pick up and digest. And digest they do. Your mind is faster than you can ever realize, and if you allow it the full potential, you will come away breathless.