Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Saga of the Car-less

It has been 1 month since my car died. When I say died, I mean that the engine totally seized up and needed to be entirely replaced. The cost would have been about 4 times more than the car was worth sooooo.......scrap heap for little neon.

Pictured: Not my car
As I was watching my little car get towed away a few thoughts went through my head. One was, "Oh, I forgot to take the steering wheel cover off." Another was that, "Great, it's like my best friend actually died." The reality was that I didn't have a job because I'd quit to go back to school. However, school had fallen through due to financial difficulties, (except for one class) and now I didn't even have a car. So, no money, no car, no classes, and no job.

Those of you who regularly get along without cars are probably going to laugh, but one thing that set in right away was a feeling of severe limitation in regards to my lifestyle. I was used to taking myself places, and now  it because a huge deal just to get myself to the store. I refused to be a mooch so I wouldn't ask for rides anywhere, just stayed home. It felt pretty awful.

One thing I decided was that being car-less gave me the right to mope. I figured, since I didn't have a car or a job, how could I be expected to really do anything? I lay around for about a week, moping and doing nothing other than the bare minimum. I applied for a few jobs, sure, but who would want to hire a car-less bum? Luckily, I still had one class to attend, and that finally got me moving. But I didn't have a car and how could anyone function without one?

Function I must soooo... I decided to learn to ride the bus. Disclaimer here, I absolutely hate the bus. It's loud, slow, smelly, and you have to share with other...interesting...people. On my first trip I got carsick (bus-sick?) and got left at the wrong stop. I had to wait an hour for the next bus, and then I got off a few stops too early by accident and ended up 3 miles from where I was supposed to be. At night. Alone. In the dark. With a heavy book bag. Luckily some random stranger rescued me after a mile of walking and drove me the rest of the way. The next time I had class I was able to figure it out and got off the bus in the correct spot at the correct time. I still hate the bus though.

After the bus, I discovered I could bike. Even if it was cold and winter, there are such inventions called a coat and gloves. I also discovered I could ask people for rides. Who'd have thought? Some will even go so far as to lend you their car for a trip. Weird, but people do a lot for a tank of gas these days.

Once I realized that there were other methods of transportation out there, I learned some interesting things. For one, it was pretty much my fault for feeling stuck, as there were plenty of options for travel that don't consist of you having your own, personal car. Second, people are actually quite nice and willing to help you out. Especially if you can be a bit flexible and provide good conversation. Third, I learned, and am still learning, patience. Also assertiveness. Last; if there's a will there's a way, and I'm darned if I haven't missed a single class even without a car. Late sure, but always there!

Pictured: My new car
I still don't have a car. But I'm getting by. I have been surprised by people's kindness and hope I can repay it someday. Not having a car is no excuse for not accomplishing something. I think that applies to pretty much everything in life. It's been hard for me to realize, it's easy to tell myself that I can mope around because I don't have a car or job and just wait for something to happen. That's not how life works though. Car-less, jobless, even money-less, you'll figure out what you need to progress if you can open your mind a bit and diligently work.

Hopefully soon I'll find a job and a dilapidated piece of junk that still works and can transport me. Until I do, I'll keep learning from this state of being. After all, not having a car is actually a perfect excuse to get that cute guy (or gal) to give you a ride :)

Friday, February 22, 2013

It's 2 am, and I'm hungry

Pictured: disgustingly healthy food 
Well, nothing much more to be said, besides the fact that I'm hungry and am slowly counting down the hours to breakfast. This is the hard, difficult part of diets that makes you want nothing more than to dive into a bowl of marshmallows and chocolate, but instead you end up with something like this.-------->

Dusclops, probably a combination of a dust mite and  a cyclops
And with that, I'll leave you with a final image that I found while searching for disgusting healthy food on the internet. The lowest ranked, underused Pokemon in the Pokemon universe. Yay for learning useless trivia that you'll never use, especially at 2 in the morning.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

4 Hour Body: Starting a DIET

I thought it might be amusing to include a few entries from my food diary. I recently started the diet as outlined by Tim Ferriss in 'The Four Hour Body'. It's sorta working as far as I can tell. Anyway, enjoy :)

(Friday, Feb 15th) Day one of diet: this diet’s gonna ssssssssssssssuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. A lot. First, I was too full, then I was hungry, then my body didn’t know what to do with all the extra long lasting protein energy, then I got a headache because of lack of sugar, and now I’m going through withdrawals. Can’t wait for Sunday; get to eat all the sugar I want!!!!!!!! Oh, and I ate 2 fried eggs, one celery stick (full length) with hummus, and a small amount of black beans with some mixed veggies for breakfast, a spinach salad with steak strips, pico de gallo, beans, veggies, red peppers, sautéed onions, salsa, and lots of avocado for lunch. Same thing for dinner but I just picked around the spinach, didn’t really want that. Now I’m hungry and have a headache. Sunday is my wonderful, delicious cheat day, just gotta go one day more then I can have sugar!!!!! Gonna do something similar for diet tomorrow, probably steak and spinach and fried eggs for breakfast and maybe chicken for dinner with vegetables. Beans in there somewhere. Today’s Friday the 15th, didn’t mention that earlier. Argh, sugar withdrawal…

Sunday, February 17th
And welcome to upset stomach today. In the book it indicates that your cheat day should be AFTER you go 5 days on the diet. Well, since Sunday was supposed to be my cheat day and I'd managed to get through 2 full days of the diet (yay me) I decided that (this was really late Saturday night) since it was 1am and I was out with friends and it was technically Sunday, that I could start my cheat day then. Argh, big mistake. One delicious milkshake at night resulted in nausea and general irritability in the AM. Blergh, I just got over the headaches.... Anyway, decided to continue the diet through to next Sunday and let that be my cheat day. Just can't manage to figure out what's going on with this, I usually have NO PROBLEM with sugar, or milk, or ice cream, LOVE the stuff. But today? Ack. 

Wednesday, February 20th. 
Okay, here's a rundown. Staying on the diet really really well, except for Monday night I cheated and ate some chocolate covered cookie dough bites. What can I say, I love it :) I am having no problems with headaches anymore, and my skin is starting to clear up. I have a chronic problem with adult acne (chronic to me, it's really just localized spots that seem to never really go away, but keep flaring up) but this diet has given me a reduction in new spots already, which is awesome. The hardest problem with this diet is OTHER PEOPLE, you tell them you're on a diet and they're all like, "Oh, so you can't eat juice, or milk, or bread, or starch? What CAN you eat?" I prefer to focus on everything I can eat, and if I get a really bad craving, I silence it with water or peanut butter. It's funny but I really don't want to eat the sugar anymore. Last night a friend handed me half a chocolate cookie that they made, which of course you can't refuse or you'd hurt their feelings, and so I ate it. 15 minutes later, mild headache that took an hour to go away. My body seems to be adapting, I am waking up earlier and less sluggish and happier too. There's a lot of good benefits, I'm just trying to dance around other people's expectations and what they're trying to make me eat. The worst is when people try to make you feel guilty for being on a diet. I mean, come one, I'm 2% bodyfat OVER what I should be, placing me at the low end of overweight. I have lost 5lbs though, and can't wait until Saturday, my measurement day! Sunday, I'm going to eat bread like there's no tomorrow, so far doing ok without it though. 

Tuesday, February 19, 2013


This morning, I got up, ran downstairs in an exceptionally good mood, sat down to breakfast, and then was told by my handler that I had a surprise assignment that I had to accomplish. The details are pretty classified, but I can reveal this. It is a secret undercover mission to happen in the dark, and under several pretenses. This mission has a specific timeframe, and must be carried out by March 5th, at the Centerpoint Theatre at 7:30 pm. Mission? Find a willing male counterpart to agree to carry out the  operation of: Watching several people sing and dance on stage and hope that things don't get too awkward.

This clandestine business at once sent my adrenaline levels through the roof, who knows how dangerous something like this may turn out? I could be scorned, mocked, shunned even. However, if carried out successfully, I could achieve a level of balance that will result in either mild awkwardness and another undercover agreement never to speak of it again, or it could (perhaps) lead to more secret missions with the same secret agent.

I decided immediately that I could not risk such a dangerous business and immediately appealed to my superiors. My appeal was denied, and I was given a counter-offer that if I did not find my own male counterpart, one would be provided and that would almost certainly prove to be unpleasant.

A secret agent brain
With approximately two weeks to the mission, I have no time to waste. I started by reviewing all my files of eligible secret agents. The list was unfortunately small, and took about 30 seconds to reject everyone included. There are a few agents not on my list that pose a possibility  however I have not built up a rapport with any of them yet to the level that I would trust this mission to be carried out with dignity and seriousness. I could pose an appeal again, ask for an extension, but this would result in revoking of rights within the company, something I cannot afford in my now weakened state.

Result: I reluctantly acknowledge that I need assistance in finding a secret agent to carry out my mission.
Requirements: Must be male, within the ages of 21 to 28, unattached to any other business partners at the moment, and preferably able to quote James Bond at the drop of a hat.

If you see or know of anyone who would accept and perhaps even enjoy such type of mission, please have them apply. All expenses will be taken care of, agent must provide their own transportation. Agent C out.

***This is an encrypted document, destroy after reading***

La douleur exquise

I love you,
I love you,
I love you.
          -love me

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.  -Thomas Merton

We loved with a love that was more than love -Edgar Allen Poe

Love is a force more formidable than any other. it is invisible - it cannot be seen or measured, yet it is powerful enough to transform you in a moment, and offer you more joy than any material possession could. - Barbara de Angelis

A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous - Ingrid Bergman

Love is being stupid together. - Paul Valery

Love is friendship given wings. - me

Life Moves On

Just a collection of thoughts that I've had.

Life moves on, it really does. When you think nothing will happen, nothing will ever change, suddenly it does. People move, get married, break up, move on, and fall in love. Something wonderful happened to me this weekend that I haven't felt for a long long time. I don't want to give too much away, but suffice it to tell that my heart is not as dead as I once thought it was.
This isn't the story, but it's important. I saw a photo of my ex on facebook. You know, THE ONE. The one that broke my heart, messed me up, and almost destroyed my life. Yep, I went looking for it. Despite everything, I was in love with him once. Now that my heart seems to be alive, letting someone else in, I finally felt safe enough to go looking, make sure the ex wasn't dead and all that. So, he seems to be fine. Happy, with friends. Drinking, (duh, he loved that and never felt comfortable doing it around me), but happy. A little wistful maybe from recent posts, but moving on. Good, he's got a lot of healing to do. He tried so hard to make me into something I wasn't that it almost broke me. Maybe it did. But I didn't come here to talk about that, I came to talk about something else.

Do you believe in love at first sight? I didn't. I tell myself it's impossible, love at first sight isn't really love, it's lust, want, need, painting yourself onto the other person and pretending. But that's not what I feel. This is deep, like an awakening in my chest, but deeper, within my soul. I want to be better, do great things. I want to love, to be there. I want to be held, to hold, to give. I want to be two, but one.

I'm so scared, what if this is something that I'm kidding myself about. What if when he was talking about that 'other girl' that couldn't get the hint, he was talking about me? Am I still pretty? Can I still attract a guy? I don't know if I trust myself not to destroy someone, but I have so much love to give. I want more than anything to be loved and to love,
 "I'd do anything, just to hold you in my arms.
To try and make you laugh, 'cause somehow I can't put you in the past."
And for once, my dreams aren't filled with darkness and reaching, they're filled with longing, songs, and hope.
"Just a kiss can make my heart ache,
just a kiss can make me fall.
Just a kiss can make my whole world shake,
 and your kiss did it all.
I don't pretend to know love's mysteries, but baby I know this.
When you touched your lips to mine, it was more than just a kiss."
I'm in love, and it scares me. What if he doesn't love me back? What if he's looking for something else?

If you stay with 'what if's' forever, you'll have a lot of 'never found out'. So I'm going to try. If he has to let me down hard so be it, I can heal. Better to heal and become stronger then never find out. I know, so I'll try this out. Love at first sight, I never thought it happened, but it does, and it did.
"I can't help it if you look like an angel.
Can't help it if I want to kiss you in the rain so,
come feel this magic I been feeling since I met you.
 Can't help it if there's no one else. I can't help myself."