Friday, August 22, 2014

If You Actually Read This...

If you actually read my blog, please leave a one-word comment describing what you think of me. Thanks!

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

I'm Getting a Second Job

Here's a typical Thursday or Friday evening for me.

Me: Hmmm, I want to go out this weekend, tired of staying in...let's see who wants to hang out!

Me: *Calls boyfriend* Hey handsome, doing anything Saturday night?
Boyfriend: Yeah, I've got this super cool acting thing all day, and then my family is all going swimming!
Me: That sounds fun!
Boyfriend: I know, it'll be super great!
Boyfriend: I'm busy then, but talk to ya later for sure!

Me: *texts Social Girl* I'm thinking girls night Saturday, what do you think?
Social Girl: Sorry, I can't, I've got tons of work gibberish to finish.
Me: Hey that's cool, I understand. Maybe next time?
Social Girl: Maybe, having a real job is so hard! You're so lucky your job isn't as real as mine.
Me: Haha...ha....ah....yeah.

Me: *calls best girl friend* Hey bestie, wanna hang on Saturday?
Bestie: Um...I live in Florida...
Me: Oh, yeah I forgot...

Me: *texts Purple-Hair Girl* You, me, horror movie, Saturday night. Whaddaya think?
Purple-Haired Girl: Got a hipster concert to go to with all of my similarly styled friends that night, but thanks for asking!
Me: I was thinking of dying my hair pink. No prob, have fun!

Me: *Texts Work Friend* Hey, want to grab dinner Saturday?
Work Friend: Why are you texting me?

Me: *posts on Facebook* I think I'm going to see New Popular Movie on Saturday, anyone want to come?
Facebook: *Friend/s that lives in Wyoming/Florida/Europe/The Moon/Provo* Would totes come if I lived closer!

Me: *calls mom*
Mom: You have reached the voice mailbox of-
Me: *hangs up*

Me: *group Snapchats everyone who is socially acceptable to do so.* (Insert puppy-dog eyes picture) Anyone want to hang Saturday? Fun stuff planned!
Snapchat: You have no new updates.

Me: *texts Weird Stalker Friend* I'm super bored, wanna go do something?
Weird Stalker Friend: Don't you have a boyfriend?

So...guess who's getting a second job?

Monday, August 18, 2014

Chiggers versus Sunburn

How is a sunburn like a chigger? Let me explain.

Recently I received a large-scale sunburn over, well, an unfortunate amount of skin. Really any amount of sunburn is unfortunate,  however this one was particularly unfortunate as it involved all of my limbs with special concentration on my shoulderblades and upper legs. Really it just made it so I couldn't lay down with any sort of comfort. I either had to lie on my stomach and endure burning from my legs, or on my back and endure pain radiating from my shoulders. Fast forward one week, and all that crispy skin is peeling off nicely...and itching like Fred and George spread itching powder over every item of clothing I own. I seriously don't remember ever itching this badly in my life except for the one summer I was 9...

Do you know what a chigger is? I sure do. It's this microscopic little red devil of itchiness. It bites you and burrows into the skin, creating a Mt. Kilimanjaro of discomfort. The only way to get rid of the itching is to kill the suckers while they sleep (as they are related to the tick family, they stay in the skin, itching and itching and itching and itching...for at least two weeks). The only way to do that is to paint your skin with nail polish. Clear is the best, mostly because you look the least weird wearing it. You can use any color, simply paint all your welts with the polish of your choice and that will cease the itching...eventually...takes a day or two.

So, one summer I was 9 years old. Most of us had a summer like that. I mean, you can read now, and are reading this, so you obviously were 9 at one point in your life.

Anyway, I was 9, and for some reason I decided to sit in the tall grass outside my Nebraska home while wearing calf-high socks, elastic waist-banded pants, and several hair-ties around one wrist. Did I mention that chiggers love to bite underneath tight-fitting clothing? Especially sock and underwear lines?

That evening I couldn't rest for the amount of itching. The only nail polish my mother could find was blue, all the clear had been depleted on my several younger siblings and the unfortunate neighbors. She painted me up so I looked like an unfortunate half-smurf, then I laid in bed trying desperately not to gouge chunks of skin from my calves.

That's what this summer reminds me of. A tingling under the skin that begins as a slight tickle. You think that if you ignore it, it'll go away. It's only the vaguest of feelings after all. However, it starts to increase. It gets worse until the tickle has become practically a fester. Your skin is jumping with effort to keep still. You can't think about anything else but how much you itch. All you want to do is drag your fingernails deeply through the pestilence that has now set your skin aflame. Nothing else will satisfy this strange itching and jumping coursing through your skin. The itching is there, it has always been there, and you will always itch.

So, chiggers versus sunburn. I think chiggers win, but sunburn comes in at a close second. You can avoid sunburn after all, and chiggers...well. Let's just say chiggers are the spawn of Satan sent to destroy your sanity through itching.

And now, how many of you itch after reading this? You're welcome.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

The background of my computer screen is currently a picture of Toothless from How To Train Your Dragon staring intently at the user of my computer.

He's so cute! 
When you drag the mouse to a very select portion of the screen on the lower right-hand side, all of the tabs and things open on the page disappear without warning to show you the background of the screen. 

Hi there. Were you doing something?

Most of the time I forget what is on my background as I almost always have a browser up. Today though, took the cake. I was happily browsing the internet when I accidentally found the disappearing sector with my mouse and the next thing I saw was.....

I will murder you in your sleep.
Have a nice day and don't get eaten by overly curious dragons. :)

Thursday, August 14, 2014

50 Shades of Smut

So the first trailer for the upcoming movie 50 Shades of Grey has aired, and the networks are going bonkers over it. NBC is hyping the heck out of this movie, and it is getting more and more attention as time goes by. I'm sure that by the time it comes out in February of 2015 everybody in America, and probably most of the people in first-world countries will know of this movie.

I personally have not read the book. I don't plan on intending to see the movie. My only thoughts on this movie is that I would like to bankrupt the studios that are producing this film, show them that America has a stronger moral fiber than just allowing Hollywood to shove whatever down our throats all the time. How can we bankrupt a studio you may ask? Well, I have a plan. First, I have a few thoughts on this story that I want to share with you all, and ask you to think about very carefully.

1. What makes this book different from all the other erotic novels that have been published over the years? That is all that 50 Shades of Grey is, 50 Shades of Erotic Garbage and Mind Pornography. By many accounts it is also one of the worst-written books ever. Have you gone online and watched any of the YouTube Videos titled "So-and-So reads 50 Shades of Grey"? My personal favorites are where Ellen Degeneres reads aloud, as well as Pewdiepie. Just hearing some of the lines from the book make you want to cringe. Actor after actor turned down the role of Christian Grey (including Charlie Hunnam, he read a few pages of script and then refused the role, and that's the guy that starred in Pacific Rim. I think we can all agree that movie isn't known for its brilliant, or even average dialogue.) So, why is this book/movie which by all accounts is terrible, become so popular?

2. This book is the one that the Twilight Series was based off of. Just remove the BDSM from 50 Shades of Grey, add vampires and keep the dialogue and voila.

3. This movie will be the first time that a porn is spread so widely in theatres. 50 Shades of Grey is rated R instead of X, as X-rated movies can't be shown in mainstream theatres. This movie will be shown alongside kids movies in theatres, how wonderful that children, teens, and discerning adults will get to see these trailers and movie posters every time they go to the theatre from now until well into next April or May.

4. This isn't a love story. It's an abusive and domineering relationship which by many accounts doesn't accurately reflect normal BDSM culture (if there is such a thing.) It's about a young woman who slowly has her entire life and person controlled by a ridiculously rich and bored older man, who has a two-dimensional personality. It is a slap in the face to all the movies that have come out in the last two years with a strong female lead, including Harry Potter, Divergent, The Hunger Games, and others. Because women really need to be pulled back to the dark ages and be told what to do. The worst part is that the characters don't even learn anything from the relationships, they sink deeper into them and just stay there. Not like Precious or other movies about abusive relationships that teach you how to get out of them, this one basically tells you to go even deeper into the abuse and co-dependancy.

So, a widely-spread porn that inspired Twilight, about abusive an abusive relationship that is horribly written is about to become the most-viewed movie in America. Back to the first question, why is this book so popular?
-It's easy to read
-It appeals to the lowest common denominator
-It doesn't make you think but lets you stay in a stupor while bathing your mind in garbage
-It's an easy way for companies to make porn more socially acceptable.

I know I haven't given a lot of statistics or research on the movie and frankly I don't want to. Go read Matt Walsh's blog on the subject if you want more research. Are you ready to bankrupt some studios with me? Here's how.

Stop talking about this movie, stop accepting the advertisements on it. When it comes out, don't go see it. Don't buy it. Don't give a cent of your money or a second of your time to this awfulness. Talk someone else out of seeing it. Let's do something drastic, by doing nothing about the movie, we can bankrupt the studio that gave the time of day to this film, and show Hollywood that we won't accept this smut in our lives. Who wants to bankrupt Focus Features, Michael Del Luca Productions, and Trigger Street Productions with me? Let's create a little chaos together.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

What My Grandma Thinks

It's nice to know that even through sad times, some things can make you smile.

I got up this morning and was feeling rather sad about Robin Williams. I admired him a great deal and his passing was a shock to me. At breakfast Grandma asked me how I was, and this is how the conversation went from there.

Me: I'm kinda sad today, Robin Williams passed away yesterday.

Grandma: Oh, that's too bad, I'm sorry about that.

Me: Did you know who he was?

Grandma: (gently) He was Batman wasn't he?

#laughingthroughthetears #RobinWilliamsisBatman

Relationship Advice: According to the Internet

When I have a question, I invariably turn to our favorite all-knowing pal, Google, to get it answered. Its the way things are done, and even if Google does fib on occasion (cotton ball fibers are NOT good for lengthening eyelashes), I still go back like an addict the next time I need a hit of information.

However, Google's relationship advice is some of the weirdest, most useless info that I have ever encountered. I blame Google instead if the various sites it spits out because Google is the one that leads me there. Sifting to page two is never an option, because Google becomes super- shady and weird the second you mix page two of the search results with relationship advice.

So, without further ado, I present to you Relationship Advice; According to Google. Cringe and enjoy.

If you want to attract a Man, wear perfume. Preferably lavender and pumpkin. Because those scents together make a guy sleepy and hungry for pumpkin pie. And everyone knows dousing yourself in weird smell combinations will disguise your penchant for eating garlic.

To be the most Romantic guy EVAR, make sure you surprise her. A lot. Like with a mariachi band. In the morning. To wake up to. What is more romantic than that?

If you want your guy to be passionate about you, wear the color Red. Because men are like bulls and will run at the color red indiscriminately. Who knows, if you wear enough red you may get men to actually run you over in the streets. Let's hope you have good medical insurance.

Women actually aren't afraid of aggression in men. Really? Whew, I was worried about that for a minute. Nice to know I'm actually not afraid of the Chris Brown types in this world, what I'm REALLY worried about is a man losing his masculinity and lots of other psychobabble that really means that I want guys to be MORE aggressive. Thanks, never would have known what I actually wanted without you telling me! How like a woman.

If you want to get your boyfriend to stop ignoring you and taking you for granted, start ignoring him. Really! Start ignoring phone calls, texts, never text him back in any reasonable length of time. Take a holiday without him for crying out loud. Definitely start texting and talking to your old flings, that'll go over really well and make him super jealous. Be busy and don't make time for him, that'll show him!

If you want your girlfriend to feel loved, buy her things and smile at her creepily! Everyone knows the way to a woman's heart is only by how much money you have, so buy her things. All the things. Even the stupid things, just make sure they are girly and kind of cute. This link even has the pictures, so enjoy! Oh, and also, don't be a man-whore and time your compliments. Only one every 30 minutes or so, or she'll think you've gone overboard. She might even be scared away when you combine it with your creepy smile. (Seriously, just click on this link for the illustrations, it'll teach you everything you need to know.)

Hope you enjoy, I'm kinda fed up with all the crazy relationship advice out there. If you really want some crazy stuff, wade through Yahoo's Answers pages, or go to Cosmo online. In my opinion, the best thing to do is to NOT listen to most of the advice online, but that's just my advice. Online.


Sunday, August 10, 2014

And the Michael Bay Award Goes To...

A while ago I had my first encounter with explosions at work. Explosions of an unconventional manner.

Day Shift: So this guy should be good. He hadn't pooped in 5 days before he got here, but he got some stool softeners earlier and then had a huge BM about an hour ago.

Me: *naively* Great!

At about 11pm that night, the call light goes off for that room. I happily walked down the hallway and opened the door to explosion. It was Everywhere.

The bed.

The floor.

The patient.

The walls.

The bathroom.

The patient's mother.

Patient's Mother: I...uh...need a bit of help here.

Me: Well, *whipping out my antibacterial wipes* let's get started.

Two showers, two complete clothing changes, a bed change, a thorough cleaning of the room and bathroom and 45 minutes later, the explosion was contained and all casualties of the explosion were cleaned and back in bed.

Patient's Mother: I guess those stool softeners worked.


Friday, August 8, 2014

That's Not How You're Supposed To Do It....

Sometimes things get a little hectic at the hospital. I just concentrate on my patients and ensure they are well taken care of. Most of my coworkers are wonderful, intelligent people that truly enjoy the work that they do. Once in awhile I encounter a nurse that makes me wonder how they ever made it through nursing school without a dunce cap on their heads. And then I write a blog about it.

One night I came into a patient's room because their oxygen levels were dropping. I was surprised to find their nasal cannula on and a simple mask set tightly over their mouth and nose. The nasal cannula was set at 4 liters of oxygen (which from a nasal cannula feels like sticking an airbrush up your nose) and the mask wasn't even hooked up to an oxygen tank. I turned the cannula back down to 1 liter (all the patient was cleared for/needed) and hid the mask in the bedside drawer. Then I went in search of answers.

Me: So I found my patient with both a nasal cannula and a mask on.

Nurse: I put the mask on over the cannula.

Me: What? Why?

Nurse: Well, she was breathing with her mouth open and I wanted her to keep it closed.

Me: You know we aren't supposed to do that, just move the cannula down to the mouth so they still get oxygen.

Nurse: I do this all the time, it usually works.

Me: .....


Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Question of the Day

If you were a girl and you had to get a double mastectomy so that you didn't even have nipples anymore, just two scars on a flat chest and then elected not to get reconstructive surgery, do you think you'd be able to go topless at the beach without getting arrested?

Here's my thoughts on that. I think you should be able to in that case, because seriously, what are we afraid of at that point? Plus I don't know why boobs should be illegal in the first place. Men's nipples aren't illegal at the beach, I just think the system is unfair. 

Also, you'd probably get some prissy lady telling you to 'cover up for the kids.' It's America people.


Monday, August 4, 2014

5 Things You Should NEVER Post on Social Media

Some things do not belong on social media. The state of your great-grandma's toenails is one. The insipid teenage whining about how no one likes you is another. Other things are a little harder to decide about. So, I have made a list of 5 things never to post on social media. If you're conflicted about whether or not to put something up, go through this list. If it meets one, or heaven forbid, all of the categories, then save yourself and all of your friends the trouble by not posting.

1. Anything 'Fishy'.
"So Bored."
"Nobody loves me."
"Having a bad day."
All of those are just looking for compliments and/or attention. Really? You're so insecure you have to post it on social media for everyone to see? Well excuse me, I'll just throw you a fish!

2. Rants designed to offend.
Rants have their time and place. If you feel passionate about something, by all means share it. However, there are rants that have no place on social media. These are rants that are designed to stir up emotion, to really step on people's toes. These are rants with specific social, political, economical, and other themes. The biggest difference between appropriate rants and inappropriate ones are the ones that state something to the effect of, "And if you think differently then you're dumb." Really? People are designed to have opinions so....

3. Anything with poor grammar or spelling. 
On purpose or not, take the time to enlighten yourself. We are a culture of socially driven people, and often the written word is where people will get their first opinions of you. So fix it. If you don't know what is considered poor grammar or spelling, allow me to shed some light on the subject by means of Weird Al.

4.Family Issues
Again, social media is not the place to air family problems and try to get feedback on them. We don't want to know how much your aunt annoys you, or how you dad won't give you money, or how the super-complicated proceedings of your divorce are going. I've unfriended people for this, the drama is annoying and you may think it's supposed to be important to your entire social circle but I've got news for you, it's not. So get some counseling or something, but keep it off Facebook!

5. Honeymoon photos
This is what irks me the most. Honeymoon photos with the hashtag #sexytime. Please no, for the love of everyone's sanity, do not remind all your friends, family, acquaintances, work buddies, and that random homeless dude you befriended once how you have successfully overcome singledom  and are now in a paradise land getting it on. No one wants to know. Especially not me. There, rant over. If you don't know by now what to keep off social media then there's no help for you.

What other inappropriate uses of social media have you come across? Comments are below, #sexytimecommentsarebest.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Compliments to the Coworker

I sometimes get to have fun conversations with my patients. One night I was talking with a cute older lady about how she moves from one spot to the other.

Betty White: There's only two of your coworkers that can move my all by themselves.

Me: Who are they?

Betty White: That tall skinny guy in PT, and that other one here. Tall, dark, nice muscles and a few tattoos?

Me: Oh yes, you're talking about The Rock. (*Names changed for comedy purposes)

Betty White: That's right! (Leans in conspiratorially) I made him move my pillows just so I could feel his muscles.

Me: Oh that's....nice?

Betty White: You're darn right, *dreamy sigh* He is a beautiful man.

#thatismynewcatchphrase #he'llneverlivethatdown