Friday, April 12, 2013

When One Door Closes....

     There was once a girl who lived in the dark. She spent her days searching through hallways looking for a door to go through. Through most doors were more hallways, but sometimes she would find a room filled with light. She was searching for light now, hoping to bring it into her world.
    One day she saw a light in the far distance, and began walking to it. She soon saw an open door. It was
gorgeous, full of light, possibilities, opportunities, and had the most intricate and beautiful designs to decorate it. She began running, she didn't want to miss this door. When she got there, gate keeper asked for her identification. The girl shook her head, puzzled that this particular door needed identification.
     The gate keeper became angry, asking her if she had even bothered to read the signs. The girl looked around the dark hallway. The hall was long and empty, no windows, signs, light, or even doors other than the one that she was standing in front of. She turned back to the gate keeper and tried to point this out. There are no signs or instructions for this door, I only saw the light coming through. The gate keeper shook his head again, obviously thinking the girl was dumb and trying to slip through where she wasn't wanted. The gorgeous door began to shut. As the light streaming through the doorway dimmed the girl threw her weight against it, not wanting to be left in the dark again, but she wasn't strong enough and the door closed.
    The girl stood in front of the beautiful door for a short time. She couldn't see it but she could still feel the designs under her fingertips, and possibilities still drifted like smoke from the crack underneath. You can't catch a possibility though, so she finally turned away, back to the dark. The girl felt in her pocket for her last remnant of initiative. There wasn't much left, but she couldn't see the way without light so she lit it up. The light sputtered softly and she began to slowly make her way back down the long hall.
     As she walked in the dark, with her initiative slowly burning away, a few tears began to fall. It isn't fair, I'm sure I could have gotten identification if the gate keeper had just waited. Another rebellious thought popped up, No one wants to give me a pass to their doors, I'm going to be stuck in the dark forever. The dark hallway that she had been so joyfully running down before now seemed oppressive, and she began to shiver in the dark.
     Finally, after hours of walking and with the remains of her initiative burning the tips of her fingers, she arrived at her waiting place. The girl was quite familiar with this place, she spent most of her time here. She blew out the initiative and tucked it back in her pocket. The waiting place had its own rather eerie glow. Lined around the walls of the waiting place were thousands of doors and hallways. Many were quite familiar to her, she had knocked upon most at one time or another. Few doors ever opened, but sometimes you were able to find a key.
     There was one hallway that she traveled down regularly and she did so now. This hallway was one she had opened for herself using hard work. Hard work was finite but it did get you places. There were a few closed windows that let in a little light, and if the girl peeked through she could see opportunities dancing. She didn't have the key to get in though, so she kept walking.
     This hallway was one she'd been working on for a particularly long time. Every so often there were doors that she had found the keys for, making the hallway longer and longer. With every door she opened, she found a small nugget of knowledge on the other side. These were valuable, and could be traded with gate keepers to enter particular doors. Right now she was working on a collection.
    The girl got to the last door and began once again to search in the dark. When she found the key she shouted with triumph and fitted into the last door. The door swung open, but instead of a room with light that she had expected, it was another dark room. She could faintly make out six more doors, branching out from this one. The girl realized she hadn't been anywhere close to completing this journey, and every door that she had spent hard work to open had only given her more locked doors. She stared into the darkness, and then closed the door firmly and marched back down the hall.
     Back at the waiting place the girl sat alone in the dark. There was no one around, and she was out of ideas. Ideas were like flares, lighting up the waiting place and would lead right up to doors. Those doors could usually be opened with a little effort, but without any ideas the girl couldn't see where to go. Right now she was as close as she could get to a rather plain door. It wasn't open now, but there was a timer on the door and the countdown said it would open soon. She hoped it would anyway, sometimes these timers were wrong and the door would never open. She didn't know if there was a dark hallway or a light room behind this door, but right now without initiative, ideas, enough knowledge, or other resources, she didn't know what else to do. So, she waited.
     After a time she heard someone walking up. The girl didn't know who it was, people rarely visited her here in the dark. Most of them had their own rooms that were filled with light, even her best friend was busy exploring hallways that the girl didn't have enough knowledge to pay to get into. The person came up beside her, paused, and to the girl's surprise, sat down.
     Are you waiting for this door too? The girl asked? She hoped this person wasn't, but she did want to be polite. Maybe this stranger had some ideas she could borrow.
    A voice laughed. It was a nice laugh. I'm not really interested in this door, I came to see you instead.
    The girl was puzzled at this. Why would you come to see me? I don't know you.
    You know who I am, you've just forgotten. The voice did sound familiar, but she couldn't place it, especially with too little light to see their face. I came to see if you understand how this place works.
    The girl laughed, a little bitter at this. Of course I understand how this works. I look for an open door, or a key, and then I open more doors. Sometimes I find a door filled with light, but most of the time it's just more darkness. I can pay with knowledge to get in to some doors, and others have special requirements, but most of the time I have to apply hard work and even then not all the doors open. 
     The voice in the dark seemed saddened by this. You understand some, but don't you realize that whenever a door closes, another one opens?
     I have never seen that happen. The girl replied, it just doesn't work that way for me. 
     Oh but it does, I saw you trying to get into the beautiful door, and wanted to make sure you got to the other one that was open for you.
     There's another door for me? I hurt my hands trying to keep the beautiful door open, and burned my fingers getting back here. I definitely didn't see another open door the entire time. The girl was beginning to get frustrated  who did this strange person with a familiar voice think she was? She wasn't blind or stupid, she worked hard to get what she did have, and doors never opened on their own.
     The voice asked, Did you look over there? There's a big door, even more beautiful than the first that's waiting for you. The girl looked. There was no open door, just several closed ones and long hallways filled with more darkness. There's nothing over there, I've never seen light from that part of my waiting room. 
    She heard a little rustling, then a hand brushed her arm. Here, take these.  She felt something light and metal in her hand, and she looked to see what they were. Glasses? 
     It's Hope, you can see farther with them on. The girl scoffed. I don't need hope, what I need is an open door. The voice replied gently, Just try. So, she took the hope and placed it on her face.
     For a while, everything looked the same, then little details began to pop out. Pathways worn into the floor by hundreds of other feet, details and carvings on the walls and doors around her. The door she was leaning against suddenly had a window inset that she hadn't seen before, and then, right in front of her, there was a door. An open door, streaming light through it. The light was colored, and different from what she had expected, but it was open. And it was beautiful. The girl jumped up, and walked towards the door, hardly able to believe it.
     She remembered the voice and turned back, but there was no one to be seen. Hello? I just wanted to say thank you....No response, but she noticed a piece of paper on the floor, folded around something. She picked it up, and out fell some initiative and something she had never seen before, courage. It was really beautiful, purple and clear, sparkling in the light from the doorway. She gazed at it for a moment before reading the paper.

When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.
Use hope, courage, and initiative to find the doors that are open,
And if you can't find an open door, crawl through a window

P.S. I noticed you were out of initiative so here's a bit more, and some courage to help.

The girl reread the paper, and suddenly she knew who it was she had been talking to. She smiled, then turned and walked through the open door.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Wish I'd Never Grow Up

I had the opportunity to have my beautiful little sisters and my wonderful big-little brother visit me this weekend. Every time I see any of my family members I'm reminded of how blessed I am to have such a close and wonderful family. With five siblings, so there are six of the 'Capron Kids Clan' in total, it often feels like I just don't have enough time in my life to spend with all of them. I wouldn't trade any of my siblings for the world, and seeing how we are growing up with our varied and wonderful talents has made this life's journey that much more amazing.

Speaking of growing up, I had an interesting talk with my beautiful little sister, Mallory. We've had this particular discussion several times before and we've never reached a good conclusion. Here's pretty much how it goes every time.

Mallory: "I hate getting older."
Me: "Why's that?"
Mallory: "I just don't want to grow up and be old and have problems, I want to be (insert age here, recently it was 19) forever.
Me: "You learn so much more when you get older though, and age is just a number anymore.
Mallory: "It's so scary though, and things aren't going to be the same. Don't you feel that way?"
Me: "Well...yes."

And I run out of things to say. Why are we afraid of getting older? Honestly I'm not the best example on this, nor should I be asked for advice because she's watched me cry on every single one of my birthdays since I was 17 about how I was getting older. My fears stem from having a birthday and not having accomplished the things I want to. Her fears come from worrying that things will change and never be as good as they are now. Both are valid fears, I've learned that trying to dismiss them just makes it worse.

First, my 'birthday cries' are rather traumatic, or actually they have been for several years. When I was 17 my family had just moved from Idaho to Wyoming, I was starting at a new school for my senior year and had  practically no friends. I remember that birthday in particular because I felt so lonely and like life was passing me by while all my friends were moving on without me. When I was 18 it was because I thought I was moving backwards in life, even though I almost had my Associates degree and was playing first violin in the Powder River Symphony Orchestra. I think it's this primal fear that my body was moving forward without my mind and my life was going to be gone and I wouldn't have done any of the great things I'd promised myself I would do. I realize now that 18 is really young to be having those fears, but they were very real. 22 was particularly traumatic. I was at college and I remember getting up, getting to school and thinking I was going to be okay, then breaking down on the greenroom couch and sitting there sobbing for probably 45 minutes while my then-boyfriend kindly, if rather awkwardly, sat with me patting my back and wondering what the heck was going on.

I didn't cry at 24 though.

There's a major reason that I didn't cry on my 24th. During the summer of 23, I told myself that enough was enough, and I was going to take 24 for me. That meant no more conforming to what I thought others wanted me to do, and I would do everything that I wanted to do. In that summer I managed to be in a show, dye my hair pink, work at a haunted house, get into an improv troupe, quit the stupid job I hated, and go back to school. Plans are slightly on hold due to lackage of money and car, but I'm changing that again. I've been working on a book and have a great job coming up in a few weeks. Life is good, and I'm starting to realize that if I move forward myself, it won't feel like life is passing me by.

Second, Mallory's fear that things will change. I'm not her, so I can't say exactly where this fear comes from, but I have an idea. As we get older she's seen Robert and I move out and run into a gamut of problems associated with life in general. She's also an athlete in a sport that favors younger athletes, so she most likely fears losing her ability to do what she loves. She's moved 3 times in the last 4 years with my parents, and mostly due to that she's lost a lot of her friends, who move on when she moves away. Having changes forced on you makes you fear change, and I think she would like to freeze time until everything feels under control. Nobody can do that though, thus the discussion.

Mallory is leaving in two weeks to go on a mission now, and I think this is her way of facing the fears. She has taken control and initiated the change in her life. I honestly was extremely surprised by her choice, but I applaud it. She's leaving a college gymnastic option and putting education on hold to serve the Lord, and I think to get control of life. Maybe in 18 months she and I will be having a different conversation. I hope so.

Life is about change. It's about moving up, moving on, getting older, learning, understanding, and choosing. I still fear getting older, but I'm managing to survive it. I hope to embrace it one day. Hopefully Mallory will too. I think she will, she's smarter and more mature than I am even now, so she probably won't take until 24 to realize that birthdays aren't for crying, but for celebrating the knowledge that has come with another year of growth, and the people that are there to share it with you.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Standing In The Fire

So, just some random thoughts from my head.

I was told tonight by a close friend that I'm really random sometimes. I replied, slightly stung, "Oh yeah! What makes you say that? I make perfect sense to me...." and she kindly pointed to a post I made a few months ago on Facebook that in its entirety reads: Superheros, heroes, homeless people, rocks. My stunning reply ended up being: "Oh yeah, armpit." Problem solved.

I guess the point is that the face we present isn't always the face that's perceived. For example, what I show the world is to me, funny, smart, shy, and a little awkward. Who's to say what everyone else perceives. For me, is it perhaps weird and a little interesting? I think it depends on the people who are doing the perceiving and against which color palette of life they are comparing you to. Good or bad? Maybe both, who's to really say.

So life moves along. When I turned 24 I promised myself I'd do everything I possibly could for me this year. I wouldn't wait for other's approval or try to shape my life around what others thought I should be doing. An unfortunate part of my personality is that I'm a people pleaser. It doesn't really work well for me, but makes other people like me. Or treat me like a door mat, a bit of everything I guess. I'm doing pretty good, still on my list of stuff to accomplish is: move out, get a job I like, work in the theatre, finish my book, and a few other more personal goals I'll decline to share. Getting there though :)

One last note because it's late and I need to go take my contacts out. (If I don't take them out before I get too tired I will fall asleep in an uncomfortable position, which is lately sideways on the bed with my dog on my feet and my computer on my stomach.) I heard this song again last night for the first time in probably 6-8 years, and it struck me in a way it hasn't for quite some time. Here are my favorite phrases from it. Enjoy and don't ride buses after 10pm, that's when the drunk people come out. 

We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk it the tables being turned

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all

They're so hell bent on giving, walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire

Life is not tried it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide standing outside the fire

Standing Outside the Fire by Garth Brooks

Monday, April 1, 2013

What I Did This April Fools: A Lesson in Procrastination

Blink, blink blink. What am I awake? What time is it?

Oh, 8:23, that's nice. I could get up and do something, maybe just sleep for a little...longer...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Ahh! Something's buzzing! Oh, just my phone. Whoa, 10:34, there went my whole morning. Does Melody need to pee? Better take her out, just in case.

Ah poop, it's raining. That drags, now I can't go anywhere or go on a really long walk because I'll get wet. So much for taking my computer to the library today and getting anything done. Sigh Better go eat breakfast.

(One bowl of cereal later) That was good, I'll go work on homework now, but first let's see what's happening on facebook.

(45 minutes later) Why did I ever sign up for Candy Crush! Come on, I've got to do at least a little homework today. I'm hungry, wonder if there's any string cheese left. Yes, there is! Yay string cheese. Does Melody want to go out again? Nope, still raining. Oh well.

Crap, it's 1:00 and I haven't done anything today, maybe I'll do some homework! Wait, I was going to do that job application for librarian, let's see if I can find that...ah yes, here it is, FILL OUT! Done, now I have to take, don't have any clothes. Why is my laundry all over the floor, did I do that? I'm never this messy, better do some laundry. Can't go out unless I have something to wear.

Okay, Washer started, how about I write for a bit? Work on the book....nah, I'll work on my blog. How about that revision of the Sherlock review? That's going to be good, I can telll...

(1 hour and 4 revisions later)

This is worhtless, I can't even write a stupid review without it sounding boring! Why is my life so worthless! Oh look, trail mix. I haven't had breakfast, I'll just eat all the banana chips out. No one will notice, and I'm an adult anyway so it doesn't matter!

Grandma's home, great, now she's going to ask me what I've done all day. What have I done? Oh, right, nothing. Maybe I should get out my homework and spread it around so it looks like I've done something. Room's still messy though, hows that laundry coming? Better go put another batch in. Maybe I should shower? Right, shower, there's that thing tonight, want to smell good I guess. Okay, focus, shower, homework, then maybe that job application. I'm hungry.

Still on my way to the shower, right, here goes.

Why don't I have any clothes to wear! Wash faster!

Rain, why the rain, is everything conspiring against me today?

I'm bored. Yeah, well I haven't done anything. Maybe I'll just get stuff done tomorrow, you know, be super productive and all that. Not today though, it's just too much effort. Why can't I ever do anything cool or even have any money or get a car? Whatever, I'll go eat more banana chips, at least I've got this computer so I watch stupid internet videos all day.

Haha, that cryptic666 sure can post some good AFV videos.

Was I supposed to do anything else today? How about wear a batman shirt. I love batman shirts!!!!

And that's about it, nothing more productive to do so adios!