Time for a Change

After tonight it's time for a change.

I had to help a patient currently on my floor down to the ER, where her husband suddenly passed away, then help her back to her cold hospital room. After her loving and worried family members all left, I was the only one there to comfort her, finish tucking her in, and turn off the lights. Worrying I checked up on her all night, she slept fitfully but managed a little rest.

Let's not forget the other mother I celebrated with as her son finally was able to drink chocolate milk after bouts of nausea for two days. Traumatic brain injury, it's unlikely he'll fully recover, requiring her to care for him for the rest of his probably very long life.

Another patient screaming with pain because the doctors hadn't yet released her meds after surgery. All I could do was assure her I would keep coming back. After two hours of that I managed to get around the orders with the help of a very caring nurse and get her the relief she needed.

Five dirty briefs, countless bathroom visits, one explosive case of vomiting, bladder scans and a foley bag. Turns, re-positioning, drinks of water, and reassurance.

Humans can only take so much of that before we crack.

There were a few victories. Peaceful sleep for my surgery patient. A new patient reassured and comfortable in his room. Guiding family members to another person who was thrilled beyond words to see them. The sweetest little lady in the world thanking me profusely for simply helping her get ready for bed.

I've seen completely incapacitated patients relearn to walk, liver transplants people who now have a new lease on life. Stroke patients miraculously recover, and even an engagement on my floor between some of the best people I know here at the hospital.

There is good, and there is sunshine.

Unfortunately with the dragging workload and the constant battle to keep ahead of my patient's needs is wearing me down. Nights like tonight make me feel broken and fragile.

I'm getting ready for a new life, and while I love helping people, making a difference, it becomes clearer day by day that there is only so much I can do. Sometimes to take care of others you have to take care of yourself first. So....

I applied for a part-time radio job. I'm re-looking into scuba lessons. I'm applying for nursing school to take the next step forward. I'm returning to the haunted house I love with the man I love the most tomorrow. And I'm cutting back at work. Hours-wise. I can take the small hit in paycheck, and I need the time to become the best version of myself I can be.

The Lord asks you to do all you can in service to others, it's up to you to try and understand when that limit has been reached, when you can say it's been enough. Or in my case, I just need to give a little less.

Night Shifts and Loneliness

So it's been a while since I've posted with any regularity. I could cite business, but that's the excuse that everyone uses. So, let's see. I've moved to a new apartment, begun new dance classes, am working on a promotion at work, and am faced with hours and hours of nighttime awakeness.

It's really lonely being awake while everyone else is asleep. You have all this time to think and do things,..but only if you do them by yourself. No classes at night, no texting conversations or even phone conversations, no shopping at the mall. You have to prepare everything in those few hours while you're awake and the world is still awake. It's really lonely, and I'm ready for a change.

7 months of this nighttime job has now officially changed my internal clock to wanting to sleep between 8am and 4pm. It's annoying because I have all this time to be awake and I mostly just want to be talking to people. You know, visiting with family, hanging with friends, and especially being with my boyfriend. You can't do that though during the wee hours of the morning. You can only work on personal projects, like Netflix.

I guess in a word, I'm lonely. Wish I didn't have all these empty hours to fill.

To Be or Not To Be....A Princess

Today I was reading about a girls school in Kentucky that decided to tell students "You're not a princess". First off, the title got my attention and made me rather upset because as much as I like to think I'm a strong, self-empowered woman, I still want to be thought of as a beautiful princess who has people that love her and want to be around her just by virtue of her being who she is.

Then I started actually reading the article and discovered that the school's definition of princess and mine were very different.

School's definition
Princess: Girl who needs someone to take care of her and rescue her, who has to depend on some Prince Charming the rest of her life (who may or may not exist)

Here's the actual article: http://www.today.com/moms/girls-school-tells-students-youre-not-princess-2D11585037

I was all like, "Whaaaa?" and "Oh no they didn'!!!"

Seriously though, it seems to me that the school was worried that their students were turning into spoiled, greedy girls who weren't about to have any dreams other than getting married and raising lots of kids. They have it as part of an enrollment video, with messages such as, "Don't wait for a prince, be able to rescue yourself."  The principal, in addition to saying that they thought this message would be risky also said : “Our girls are growing up in a society where they’re told by their parents that they’re a princess, and our message is that they’re not a princess, they’re so much more.” (spoiler alert: apparently all the girls loved it and cried when they were told they weren't princesses....)

I would just like to address that for a moment. This seems to me like another attempt to pull down the idea that women and girls can be thought of as beautiful and kick-ass at the same time. The Disney movies cater to a very specific type of thinking, but they have been changing with the times. Look at Merida and Rapunzel. Merida very notably did not need a Prince Charming and turned down all the suitors. Rapunzel worked with Flynn Rider towards an ending that neither could have achieved without the other (he cuts off her hair to break the ties to her fake-mum, she heals him so he doesn't die, win-win). 

All the famous Disney Princess stories do have a princess who eventually (we think) finds a Prince Charming. This is more evident in the classic stories (I'm thinking of Snow White here) but what's wrong with that? Just because the Disney movies end with weddings or a proposal doesn't necessarily mean that their stories end there. Ariel had to rescue her prince several times over, Mulan won a war (and rescued her man), Pocahontas had to say goodbye to John Smith after saving his life, and Belle had to show her Beast the power of love. Come to think of it, why WOULDN'T you want to be thought of as a princess? These girls are gorgeous and empowered, are we attacking them for being able to find love by the end of the movie?

I think the three main culprits that people attack when speaking derogatorily of the Disney Princess stereotype are Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and Cinderella. These are the classic princesses, always featured prominently on all the pink, glittery Disney merchandise you see running around. These are the oldest, most famous Disney stories and for good reason. Let's look at this here. Sleeping Beauty had to go into hiding for 16 years and live away from her parents until she happened upon her prince in the forest. True, she doesn't do much after that besides cry and fall asleep, but what can you do when you've got a witch who is determined to curse you? Okay, strike one for Sleeping Beauty. Snow White runs away from an abusive step-mother, starts becoming self-sufficient until once again, a witch/her stepmom curses her and needs her prince to lift the spell. Oh, she needed a prince, strike two for her. Cinderella works day and night for her cruel stepmother and finally gets brave enough to go to a ball. After being thwarted by her family, she gets a little help and makes her dreams come true. Wait, she got married. Okay, strike three.

I just have to say, a lot of people get married. There's a liberal agenda being pushed for people to NOT get married now, but I have to say that I'm for getting married vs. shacking up. So these girls find a guy and get married? Yeah, not forward-thinking enough, better cross them off. Oh, and curses? We don't believe in magic or difficult circumstances here, better teach our girls that everyone is the same and doesn't need help.

I would just like to say, everyone needs help on occasion. I've needed help with my bills, Cinderella needed help finding a nice dress.

And what I'm asking is, what's wrong with that?

What's wrong with getting a little help to achieve your dreams? What's wrong with having difficult circumstances in life and having other people care about you enough to overcome them? 

I think that's what really bothered me about the school saying, "You're not a princess, rescue yourself" or whatever, because they're implying that princesses by nature are frivolous feminine things that HAVE to be rescued. In reality, they didn't, and they weren't. Both Cinderella and Snow White were servants and cleaning girls from an early age and you can bet they had hard lives. Sleeping Beauty grew up in a forest with 3 rather incompetent fairies (who didn't use magic until her 16th birthday) so you can bet she learned how to work hard and take care of herself. 

Again, what's wrong with being a princess?

I would like to think that Disney's message is that all little girls are special and deserve to think of themselves royally. That's the beauty of it. That's why so many little girls dress as princesses, think of themselves as beautiful, and watch Ariel until their VHS tape snaps. (I had a friend who did that, I wasn't allowed to watch that much TV :) 

Here's what the end of the article says: 
                      “You watch the Hollywood romance movies and you see the happy ending and the guy always comes in and saves everybody and everybody lives happily ever after and that’s not life,”
So what if it isn't? The movies obviously don't end with everyone dead. That's always the true end and so what if we can think that the princesses are happy for the rest of their lives? We know that's not life and that's why we escape into movies. I would also like to point out, there are plenty of movies where the girl comes in and saves everybody. Also, someone who thinks that riding off into the sunset is the end of the Disney movies has obviously never been a little girl and met up with the multiple straight-to-dvd movies that have extended what happens to every princess after they get married. (There's another Snow White, 2 Cinderella ones, 3 Lion Kings, another Little Mermaid, Pocahontas, Belle, and don't even get me started on all the Tinkerbell movies that now exist)

My main point is, why is it so wrong as a little girl to think that you're a princess? Worthy of attention and caring, worthy of help when you need it, and empowered enough to make your own choices and to change your life when things aren't going your way. That's what most of the princesses do, they make their own life choices, change their situation, and deal with being madly in love at the same time.

Message to this girls school: Please teach your students that they are royalty. A princess is not to be sneered at, they are a treasure to be revered. Princesses can solve problems and stop wars and overcome impossible circumstances and rule the world, with or without a Prince. I see nothing wrong with that. Maybe you should teach your students that they are princesses. I think you could get away with the exact same message.

Here's a new campaign. "You're a Princess, look at what all these princesses could do with situations more difficult than yours, we'll teach you what to know to be empowered. Now get out there and kick some ass!"

Too long? Not catchy enough?

Sigh, enough said. 

Here's a link to Disney Princesses with beards. If I have one regret about  being born a girl, it's that I can't grow a gorgeous flowing beard as depicted here. Only during November though, the rest of the year I couldn't care less and I appreciate having one less thing I need to shave. Enjoy. 
http://hiconsumption.com/2013/11/disney-princesses-with-beards/

Saw This And It Is Too Perfect Not To Repost

Take chances.
Tell the truth.
Date someone totally wrong for you.
Say no.
Spend all your cash.
Get to know someone random.
Be random.
Say I love you.
Sing out loud.
Laugh at stupid jokes.
Cry.
Apologize.
Tell someone how much they mean to you.
Tell a jerk what you think.
Laugh till your stomach hurts.
Live life.
Regret nothing.

-My new motto for this year :)

Life Moves At A Glacial Pace...

...until suddenly, it doesn't.

Things can stay the same for months, years, a lifetime. Until suddenly, in a flash, everything changes forever.

I guess I'm speaking from a place of watching people around me change, go through events in life that propel them onto the next and next and next stage, and I'm still wandering around this level looking for the exit.

It's a fun level, but there's not a lot of prizes or cash influxes. Tons of interesting people to interact with, and a lot of long, lonely stretches where you open door after door to find room after empty room.

Looking for the level-up factor has been one of the most difficult things I've ever attempted, but the thing is, I'm sure it won't stay the most difficult forever. That scares me, because according to many people, I should be leveled up by now. To the married level, the career level, the having own apartment level. The stable part, the traveling part, any part but the scraping by level.

It hurts to see friends getting married, buying houses, siblings going on missions, other crazy-good but heartrending news that I am super-happy for, but at the same time devastated because it reminds me all over again that my greatest achievement is graduating from college and... yeah, nothing.

I look on these level-ups as blessings, because it motivates me once again to try harder. I don't know if it's a secret lack of motivation, money, ability, opportunity, or a combination of these, but as I approach 25 I'm once again faced with the news that I didn't propel myself nearly as far forward as I wanted to/could have/should have. Yes, I'll probably spend the day crying (I have on every single one of my birthdays since 16 except 24, and that's because I actually achieved something when I was 23).

So my question is...when is life going to change for me? When is it going to take one of those fantastic leaps forward that propel me to the next level? Maybe next month. Maybe next year. There are too many what-if's and maybes to guarantee anything. I can't even get Weber State to get my transcripts read over within a decent amount of time, so unfortunately I'm still stuck spinning my wheels, going to work, and listening to snide or blunt comments by friends and family who should know better.

All I know is, as soon as I see that blue glowing door that separates this level from the next, I'm launching myself though it with the speed worthy of Superman.

The Computer Lady

I was at the library today and I was reminded of how some people react when things aren't going their way. Here's a basic idea of what happened.

I sat down at a computer to do some typing to my missionary siblings. Things were going pretty good, when suddenly my chair is jolted by a lady tripping over me. How she failed to see me I am not sure, but she tripped and started to fall. As she was about to smack face-first into the printer, I did the (gentlemanly?) lady-like thing and caught her, asking if she was okay. In return, I was given a massive glare and was shaken off. This lady then plopped her stuff down at the computer next to mine and started 'working' at a furious pace.

I decided to watch this strange creature. She was pacing back and forth behind her computer, and every once in awhile would lean forward and type furiously on the keyboard. The computer would respond with an <error> message and a stubborn beep. At this she would swear at the computer, and resume pacing while shuffling through a huge sheaf of papers. This repeated two or three times.

After the third time she attacked the computer and got the same response, I was so intrigued that I couldn't help but ask if she needed any help.
Me: "Excuse me, can I help...?"
Angry Computer Lady: *Poisonous Look*
Me: Alrighty then, I'll just be invisible for awhile...

This is almost an exact representation.

She continued to alternate between swearing, typing, and madly shuffling through papers. After a bit I divined that she was trying to get something to print. A quick glance at her screen told me that she was setting it up as a fax document instead of a word document, and the poor abused computer couldn't make sense of her demands. I debated offering to help her one more time and risk dying of evil glares, but at that moment she stormed off to the information desk to bring back a long-suffering librarian. The librarian was, of course, able to fix it, and the crazy computer lady madly printed off several papers, gathered them up, and in a flurry of awkwardness and pervasive stress, dissapeared.

Whew, glad she's gone. I thought, Now I'll just finish typing and go on pinterest for a bit...
I'm used to strange people, the world is peppered with them and I seem to encounter more than my fair share. I thought this was just the latest in a string of strange encounters. However, little did I know this encounter was not yet complete.

10 minutes later, the crazy computer lady returned, and this time actually sat down on my other side. She opened up the computer, and then proceeded to mutter swear words under her breath as she furiously clicked away. A few unsuspecting boys came in, seeking a past-time of computer games. Little did they know, crazy computer lady was there to stay. These two innocent blonde kids started whispering furiously about the latest MMORPG they were involved in, trading hints and secrets as they shared a computer. They were down the row from my own and the crazy computer lady's area, but that didn't stop her from rising and hissing at them. "SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Everyone in the entire library was silenced by the echoing of crazy computer lady's hiss. The two boys retreated into their shells, throwing glances at her that seemed to say, Harry Potter is right, grown-ups are wicked mad and can't be trusted. 
The crazy computer lady then resumed working, seemingly unaware that her swearing was louder than the boy's whispers had ever been. Much worse for the ears too.

At that point I'd had enough, I scrapped my work for the day and gathered myself up and out the door. You are expected to put up with a certain amount of crazy in public areas, but this was ridiculous. Not harmless ridiculous like the guy on the bus that wears stuffed anime characters pinned to his hat, but drunk guy hanging around the supermarket dangerous ridiculous. She had absolutely no clue of how she was appearing to the people around her, so caught up in her whirlwind of real or imagined stresses that she was permeating the entire building with bad attitude.

I thought about that on the way home, few people are as unaware of their self-image as to be that rude. It was also interesting to me that she refused offers of help, choosing instead to bring other people into her stress and angst instead of letting it be solved. Then, I found some peaches and cream and forgot about it.

HOWEVER....
Next morning I popped down to the library. As I don't have a computer, I have to use the library for all my work, including typing this. If you remember, I also didn't have a chance to finish my missionary letters. I sat down and guess who walks in not 10 minutes later. Crazy computer lady, as full of vitrol and swearing as she had been the previous evening. She swore at her computer, clumsily banged into things, and told off an unsuspecting patron who had the audacity to answer a phonecall in her vicinity. It was then that I decided to take action, and penned this note:

Dear Angry Computer Lady,
I noticed you here at the library last night and you seemed rather upset. I don't think you noticed me, but you tripped over me once and when I offered to help, you pretended you hadn't heard. I'm sorry you're having such a bad day. I also couldn't help but notice that you hushed everyone around you, but then kept swearing at your computer. 
How about this, I'll help you out with your computer problems next time I see you, and you don't hush people in public and put a lid on the swearing. I'm also going to just leave this note and run, because I'm worried you'll glare at me again. Don't worry, I'll come back on a less stressful day. 
Just want you to know, it's going to be okay and there are people who do notice and want to help. 
It gets better,
Sincerely,
Quiet Computer Girl

Halfway through the writing of this, crazy computer lady got up and left, quite suddenly. If she returns I'll give this to her, but if not, that's okay.

And just so you all know, watch your thoughts, actions, and words. You never know who is watching and what sort of effect you are having on them!

9 Ways a Theatre Degree Trumps a Business Degree

Reblogging this from http://changeagent.wordpress.com/2013/09/13/9-ways-a-theatre-degree-trumps-a-business-degree/, because it's amazing and I think all theatre people need to see this.

9 Ways a Theatre Degree Trumps a Business Degree

September 13, 2013 — Brian

Some of you may know this about me, some may not. Despite having spent the last 15 years as a PR & communications professional, my college degree is in theatre. I have never in my life taken a marketing class, or a journalism class, or a business class. Yet, by most measures, I’m enjoying a successful career in business.  ”So what?” you ask… read on.
I was having a conversation with a friend this week. She’s an actress. Like most actresses, she also has a Day Job that she works to pay the bills between acting jobs. This is the reality for most working actors in LA, New York and the other major centers of the entertainment industry. She was pointing out to me that she viewed her theatre background as a weakness in her Day Job career field, and that it was holding her back. She asked for my advice.
My advice? There IS no weakness in having a theatre background. There is only strength. Here are just a few skills that a theatre degree gave me that have served me enormously well in business:

1. You have advanced critical thinking and problem solving skills: taking a script and translating it into a finished production is a colossal exercise in critical thinking. You have to make tremendous inferences and intellectual leaps, and you have to have a keen eye for subtle clues. (believe it or not, this is a skill that very few people have as finely honed as the theatre people I know. That’s why I listed it #1).
2. You’re calm in a crisis: You’ve been on stage when somebody dropped a line and you had to improvise to keep the show moving with a smile on your face, in front of everyone. Your mic died in the middle of a big solo musical number. You just sang louder and didn’t skip a beat.
3. You understand deadlines and respect them: Opening Night is non-negotiable. Enough said.
4. You have an eye on audience perception: You know what will sell tickets and what will not. This is a very transferrable skill, and lots of theatre people underestimate this, because they think of theatre as an ART, and not as a BUSINESS. I frequently say (even to MBA-types) that theatre was absolutely the best business education I could have gotten. While the business majors were buried in their books and discussing theory, we were actually SELLING a PRODUCT to the PUBLIC. Most business majors can get through undergrad (and some MBA programs, even) without ever selling anything. Theater departments are frequently the only academic departments on campus who actually sell anything to the public. Interesting, isn’t it?
5. You’re courageous: If you can sing “Oklahoma!” in front of 1,200 people, you can do anything.
6. You’re resourceful: You’ve probably produced “The Fantasticks” in a small town on a $900 budget. You know how to get a lot of value from minimal resources.
7. You’re a team player: You know that there are truly no small roles, only small actors. The show would fail without everyone giving their best, and even a brilliant performance by a star can be undermined by a poor supporting cast. We work together in theatre and (mostly) leave our egos at the stage door. We truly collaborate.
8. You’re versatile: You can probably sing, act, dance. But you can also run a sewing machine. And a table saw. And you’ve probably rewired a lighting fixture. You’ve done a sound check. You’re good with a paintbrush. You’re not afraid to get your hands dirty for the benefit of the show. In short, you know how to acquire new skills quickly.
9. You’re flexible: you’ve worked with some directors who inspired you. Others left you flat, but you did the work anyway. Same goes with your fellow actors, designers and stagehands… some were amazing and supportive, others were horrible and demoralizing to work with (we won’t name names). You have worked with them all. And learned a little something from every one of them.

These are the top reasons I’ve found my theatre degree to be a great background for a business career. What are yours?

What Love Is

I read this poem from the fourteenth-century Sufi poet Hafiz and it simply touched my heart.

Even

After

All this time

The Sun never says

To the Earth

"You owe me."

Look

What happens

With a love like that.

It lights the 

Whole

Sky.

30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

When you stop chasing the wrong things you give
the right things a chance to catch you.

As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn't have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren't supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.  Read The Road Less Traveled.
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
   
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.  Read Stumbling on Happiness.
11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn't even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn't work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others are doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curve balls are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curve balls thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
    
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn't reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.  Read Getting Things Done.
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn't. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn't be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.
    

Getting on with LIFE

Yesterday in one of my conversations with DAD, I was unceremoniously told that it was time to get a life.

SNOW ANGEL: Get a life? I have one, remember?

DAD: Yep, I gave it to you. But now it's time to stop playing around and move one.

SNOW ANGEL: ????????????

DAD: Go back to school like you've been talking about, get into PA school, and get a job so you quit complaining about the money situation.

I was all like, Excuse Me! I've been doing my best and working my butt off and it's not my fault I don't have enough money to go back to school, who was it that gave me the stubborn genes anyway? Oh right, YOU.

And, once the angry voices in my head calmed down, here's what I actually said.

SNOW ANGEL: Um, I don't know, I guess I could try.

DAD: Get on it, let me know how it's going by the end of the day. I expect some results! Love you!

*click*

Yes, Snow Angel's Dad is like this. Pushy and asking for results and not offering help. You could also say he was loving and empowering and wouldn't settle for a daughter who mopes about a bedroom at a 3rd rate job. This made me think though.

Am I living up to my full potential? What's keeping me back? Are the things that I think are obstacles really obstacles at all? (My smart-aleck brain replies, 'well if they ain't obstacles then they sure are a hell of a road-bump.) Maybe the obstacles are actually springboards? (Which still hurt like the dickens when you trip on them and skin your knees and hands and face and...) If so, why don't I go around them??? Ha, take that smart alecky brain!

I guess the reason I'm saying this is because by the end of the day, I had a path mapped out to complete the classes I needed to get into PA school, requirements of several PA schools lined up, and applications to two colleges in. Just like that. In the space of 4 hours I lined up a possibility for the next 3 years of my life (school, PA school, job, ect.)

So, what was holding me back? Fear. A smart-aleck brain that borders on depression occasionally. I don't mean this blog to be so self-reflective, it's just... what could I do if I wasn't holding back all the time? What could YOU do? Think about it.

The Most Important Thing in this Life

I once heard in General Conference that the most important things we will take from this life are our relationships with others. I don't remember where that quote is from exactly, but this has come to my attention time and time again over the last few weeks, and I wanted to expand on that a bit. 

The most important things in this life are our relationships with others. 

This has struck me again and again, is it really going to matter how much I worked or how successful I was. Will it even matter whether I finished all the levels of Candy Crush Saga? Not really, in fact, maybe not at all. What does matter are the people that we meet, live with, work with, play with, and choose to be around. 

Also apparently, to be Batman. When I was Googling my topic to see what else was out there, I typed "The most important thing in this life...." and Google completed it with "...is to be Batman." Gotta love the interwebs. 

Treasure your relationships, not your possessions. -Anthony J. D'Angelo

Why do you think so many movies and stories have been written with love in them? It's because relationships are the most interesting thing in the world, and love relationships top them all. Most of the relationships that involve love are given to us from birth, those are the ones of family. These are givens, at least hopefully they are, in a perfect world they would be. The second ones are those of platonic love, the people you choose to love that are your friends. Now these are interesting, but not as interesting as the relationships involving romantic love. These are relationships that begin in a myriad of ways and have just as many ways to end, but they have more of a spark, a fire, drama and intrigue than all other relationships. They are begun sometimes quite suddenly, and ended even more abruptly at times. 

In the end, love is all that matters. 

Why is this though? Why would someone take the time to pen the quote, In the end, all that matters is love. I think that's because it's true, I can't see clearly sometimes through the fog of life, but the one thing that stands out is how we treat others, our relationships with them, and the love we cherish and develop will be the one thing that stands the test of time, from this life to the next. 

The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing.  -Blaise Pascal

The heart does have its reasons, and if we tried to explain what makes us connect with other people, we would never get to the end of it. Love and our ability to connect with others and form relationships with them are what makes us human, what sets us apart on this world. 

As I go forward I want to work on connecting with more people, take the time to work on my relationships with others, and be the type of friend that I want to have. I'm still looking for that one special relationship, but I have a feeling it'll come when I'm not looking so hard. It's hard to admit to myself that I care so much about people, because often it feels like they don't care back, and I worry that this is the case with a lot of others.

I'm on the compassionate service committee in my ward, and as I've been reaching out to try and help girls, the amount of people who think they are alone and that no one cares is staggering. These are girls that have tried to make friends but feel that they still have no one, girls that feel shut out from the already existing friendships in the ward. I wish we could see, in color, how people feel, because I think we'd be shocked at how many people feel the same way that we do. The relationships we develop are so important, and if you take the plunge and reach out to someone else, you never know how that may affect them in the long run.

Just, take the time to work on your relationships. You never know which ones you will come to treasure, to need, and to cherish.

Why Is It SO Hard To Get Ahead in Life?

I see something really interesting happening with my current generation of college-going or just-graduated college peeps. Little by little, we are dividing into 3 categories.

1. Moving forward, on, and up with life.
2. Immobile, staying the same
3. Taking gradual steps backwards.

By far and large, way too many people are on levels 2 or 3, very few are on level 1. I'm not really sure why this is, but that's the truth of it.

I'd like to think I'm on level 1, but in reality, I'm probably on level 3 with sporadic forays into level 2 or 3. Moving forward is really hard in life, and usually requires money and stuff. A lot of times hard work isn't even enough to really get ahead with life, which is pretty sucky when you think about it.

So where are you? Moving ahead, staying the same, or moving backwards. Think about it, change it, get out and live life.

Random Questions

Random questions:

When is it appropriate to text someone you really like? All the time? If you happen to think of something clever? Never? Wait for them to text you first?

If I ceased to exist, would my best friends meet and become best friends with each other instead?

What is the absolute inverse of having -$19 in your bank account?

How many nickels does it take to reach the moon?


Is it appropriate to randomly call your married siblings and scream, "Haha, SUCKA!" into the phone?

How many hours of tv does it take before your brain starts turning into grape jelly?

When do pieces of you cease to be part of you? Like, fingernails? Bits of hair? Voodoo dolls say those are still bits of you forever, but you don't feel or control those parts anymore. If you lose a whole limb you can't control it anymore, so is that technically a part of you?

Do you think it'll be possible in the future to put your head on a robot body and still function? Or do you need the heart and a few other organs to really BE you? (I'm guessing you still need some other key parts, like your endorphin gland and some other stuff to really feel like you, otherwise you just feel dead or whatever.)

If you stacked up all the books you've ever read, how far would that reach?

What is the point of condensing every bit of information into little data bits that are then stored on servers and then destroying original paper bits of information if all our fears point to the server system eventually being destroyed by a zombie apocalypse or something?

Why do people read romance novels? I mean seriously, I'm a girl and still can't figure it out.

What do you feel is having a true human connection with someone? What does that even mean?

Feel free to answer any of these that strike your fancy, and good luck. I'm still trying to figure it all out.

Inverse Happiness

I saw someone smile today,
They looked happy to me.
Something nice had gone their way,
And things were good you see.

That made me mad, 'Oh Why!' I cried.
"Why is my life always bad,
and their life better than mine?"

Inverse happiness,
is like that you see;
When others achieve greatness,
It makes you angry.

When an ex finds a lover,
Or a friend a new job;
You want to have them over,
and grenades at them lob.

This doesn't make sense though,
It just isn't right;
To be feel really low,
when someone else is bright.

Is your ex supposed to,
be forever alone?
No one to talk to,
No one to be at home?

And what if no one,
ever got a new job?
We'd all be poor,
running like an angry mob.

Be happy for others,
when they happiness find.
Smile for your brother,
Tell your ex you don't mind.

Someday soon,
It'll come your way.
A blessing, a boon,
Like chardonnay.

The tables will turn cruelly
And all your friends can be mad at you
When you show off new jewelry,
they just might sneer at you.

So be happy for others,
tell them you don't mind.
Keep happiness going round,
when it's your turn to shine.

Torture We Enjoy

Li fe is hard, no doubt about it. recently I've been thinking to myself, and I've discovered a thinking fallacy in my brain. I think this occurs quite often with many of us. This fallacy goes something to the effect of, 'If (______) happens, then my life will be easy/easier. See if you recognize any of these.

Oh if I can just finish this semester then life will be easy.
If I can just get a boyfriend/girlfriend then life will be easy.
If I can just lose X amount of weight then life will be easy.
If I can just get a good job life will be easy.
If I can just get a different job then life will be easy.
If, if, if, if, if......then life with be easy.

And here's a picture of a hiking trail in Mt Rainier, just because.

Sound familiar? Of course it does, that's what life's about.

I'm here to tell you something though. Brace yourselves. Truth of the matter is, life doesn't get easier. It can harder or easier in increments (or way harder if you do something monumentally stupid like drugs or crash your car or start another semester at school, you know, usual stuff) But it doesn't get easier.

We simply find a form of torture that we enjoy, and we stick with it. We fill our lives with all these little tortures, which hopefully we enjoy and then we call that good. Think about it.

Sunburn

Three weeks ago I began a job. It's pretty much just that, a job that will help me survive until I get another job that hopefully pays better and requires less energy. No one told me that being an adult came with such difficulties as CAR PAYMENTS and BILLS. If someone had told me that when I was a teenager, I'm pretty sure I would have refused to become an adult and retreated back to the land of high school for the rest of my life.

Alas, such information was not forthcoming, I think that's part of the trick played on you by parents in order to get you out of the house... Jokes on them though, I just moved in with my grandparents instead!!!! (If anyone knows of some cheap housing and would like to be roommates, please send me the information, I will love you forever!)

Back to the job, as part of this job, actually, the entirety of this job consists of me being outside, in the sun, for 2-8 hours a day. However long it takes me to give up from exhaustion and heatstroke. Because it's summer. And we seem to keep having a streak of 100 degree + days.

Me being the brilliant person that I am, decided two weeks ago that since I was outside all day anyway, I might as well get a nice tan from it. So I decided to start wearing one of those light runner-type shirts that lets your shoulders get exposed to the glorious sunlight.

The day started off well, nice and cool, a few rays of sunlight trickling through the trees and me outside enjoying it as best I knew how. Alright! I thought, Now I'm going to get a cool tan and look so great at my brother's wedding!! Such happy thoughts, too bad I forgot that most of my ancestors are from England and France and Switzerland and other places that don't get a lot of sunlight...

Three hours later....I believe I'm getting a bit sunburned, why yes, I do believe that I'm a little redder than I should be....You can probably guess where this is going. By the time I got back to the car, I was fried. Redder than a lobster and a lot more tender too. Needless to say, I wore normal shirts the rest of the week, had to keep those sunburned shoulders covered.

You know what happens when you get sunburnt? Tan lines. Lots of tan lines. Know what happens when you put sunscreen on your face and neck but not your shoulders and then you start to sweat a lot? More tan lines in weird rivers down your shoulders, it literally looks like a river of white decided to run down my arms. It's quite embarrassing, but still fun to show people.

One day later I went to an improv workshop and decided to randomly trustfall at someone. I think I hurt all the way out to the car and walked like a weird hunchback trying to take the pressure off my shoulders. Kids, don't get sunburned. It causes cancer, just like the entire state of California.

We probably shouldn't go into a week later when I was FINALLY starting to heal, and I came in from work one day to find the entire burned area of my shoulders and upper back was blistered. Like, gross bubbly blisters that were barely under the epidermis. Probably the best part of the entire sunburn was when I decided to slap my hand down on the blisters and they splatted. Everywhere.

Now it's just really peely and itchy and peely some more. I'll survive, but I've got some wicked tan lines to show for it. However, my brother's wedding is coming up in 9 days soooo....there's only one way that I know of to really get rid of tan lines...

Sunshine

There is a ray of sunshine scattered through the clouds
Oh I can feel, a ray of sunshine is scattered on the ground.
I don't know why I'm dancing or why I smile, forget to frown
But there might be a ray of sunshine scattered through the clouds.

You know they say,
when one door closes another
will come your way
I've been in darkness for so long

I couldn't see
the helping hands, but through the clouds.
The light showed me
right where I belong.

There is a ray of sunshine scattered through the clouds
Oh I can see, a ray of sunshine is scattered on the ground
I realize that I'm dancing and I smile, forget to frown
'Cause there is a ray of sunshine scattered through the clouds.

I thought that I
was destined to walk this path alone
barely getting by
Never to see light it seemed

But suddenly
a ray of sunshine pierced the clouds
leading me
and reignited my dreams.

There is a ray of sunshine scattered through the clouds
Oh I run to a ray of sunshine, scattered on the ground
I know now why I'm dancing and why I smile, forget to frown
Because there is a ray of sunshine, scattered through the clouds

The Secrets We Keep

In a conversation two nights ago, I was with a group of friends with the conversation turned to secrets. This came about because while hanging out at a diner, someone (who shall remain nameless) decided to go through my purse. They picked out a letter I'd written to my sister and began to read it aloud. I got really upset at the invasion of privacy, and ended up literally diving across the table to retrieve it. That sparked a discussion of things we don't tell others, and resulted in one of the people at the table announcing that he had no secrets at all, and didn't mind sharing every aspect of his life with anyone else. (He also went on to try and prove that point, which was another interesting conversation, but back to the original subject.)

That got me thinking, what secrets do I hide from people? And why? Why even keep secrets? I'll focus on the why first. I can't speak for others, but I hold people's secrets for them to the extent I'll pretend to know less about them than I really do. I think we all do this to some extent for people we care about. I doubt many of us have secrets that people's lives depend on (thinking James Bond here), but occasionally a secret kept can make a world of difference in social situations. The vice-versa applies as well. I had an ex-boyfriend who demanded that I tell him everything that was going on with me, until I would purposely hold back little stories and information from him just so I could feel like I was a separate identity. I also don't tell people things unless they ask specifically. Not that my life is super-secret, but that I don't like to tell someone something unless they're going to care. I guess I feel that my secrets are gifts that I give once I trust somebody. I know for a fact this applies to others as well.

So, what secrets do I hide? I would ask what secrets people hide in general, but since the thing with secrets is that they are by nature, secret, I only really know my own. After all, once a secret is shared it isn't secret to you anymore. I'd tell you but then I wouldn't have secrets anymore...

Are there things you don't tell anyone? Is it still a secret if you tell certain people but not others? I've found that once you tell one person that you really trust about something, if it's a big enough secret they'll tell someone they trust as well, thinking that it'll be kept secret. That person will tell another, and another, until almost everyone knows. What about secrets that you write down? Those don't stay secret for long, things that are written can be read. If you don't tell anyone, or write it down though, then the secret has to stay inside. Depending on the weight given to the information, that secret may become harmful if you can't let it out.

Perhaps too much weight is given to secrets, I think a big part of keeping secrets so so that we as humans can feel special and unique for having a bit of information no one else has. Is it possible for someone to be so confident in themselves as a person that they don't mind telling someone anything and everything about their lives? The answer to that is yes, but the follow-up question is why? Why would you tell someone everything, assuming that someone is just any random person. Perhaps that's the secret to secrets, tell people who don't care and then they will forget. That way you don't carry the information around, and the secret is safe with someone who has forgotten that they carry it.

I guess the point of this story is that I don't believe that someone can not have secrets, we all have things that we refuse to share, and we all have our own personal reasons for doing so.  I'll tell two small secrets of my own as a reward for making it all the way through this post, and to prove the point.

A little over a year ago I was present when my grandpa passed away at home. I wouldn't trade the experience for anything, but ever since I have been unable to sit in the chair that he died in. It just doesn't seem right to me, although no one else in my family has that problem. I'll also never tell my grandma that secret because I think it would hurt her, as the chair is a special connection to him in her mind.

The second is that whenever Buttercup falls into the quicksand and Westley dives after her, I hold my breath to see if it's actually possible to survive that long without breathing. It is, but I generally don't tell people that for fear they'll think it's stupid. (The Princess Bride :)

So, two secrets, two reasons for keeping them. What secrets do you keep?

Wish I'd Never Grow Up

I had the opportunity to have my beautiful little sisters and my wonderful big-little brother visit me this weekend. Every time I see any of my family members I'm reminded of how blessed I am to have such a close and wonderful family. With five siblings, so there are six of the 'Capron Kids Clan' in total, it often feels like I just don't have enough time in my life to spend with all of them. I wouldn't trade any of my siblings for the world, and seeing how we are growing up with our varied and wonderful talents has made this life's journey that much more amazing.

Speaking of growing up, I had an interesting talk with my beautiful little sister, Mallory. We've had this particular discussion several times before and we've never reached a good conclusion. Here's pretty much how it goes every time.

Mallory: "I hate getting older."
Me: "Why's that?"
Mallory: "I just don't want to grow up and be old and have problems, I want to be (insert age here, recently it was 19) forever.
Me: "You learn so much more when you get older though, and age is just a number anymore.
Mallory: "It's so scary though, and things aren't going to be the same. Don't you feel that way?"
Me: "Well...yes."

And I run out of things to say. Why are we afraid of getting older? Honestly I'm not the best example on this, nor should I be asked for advice because she's watched me cry on every single one of my birthdays since I was 17 about how I was getting older. My fears stem from having a birthday and not having accomplished the things I want to. Her fears come from worrying that things will change and never be as good as they are now. Both are valid fears, I've learned that trying to dismiss them just makes it worse.

First, my 'birthday cries' are rather traumatic, or actually they have been for several years. When I was 17 my family had just moved from Idaho to Wyoming, I was starting at a new school for my senior year and had  practically no friends. I remember that birthday in particular because I felt so lonely and like life was passing me by while all my friends were moving on without me. When I was 18 it was because I thought I was moving backwards in life, even though I almost had my Associates degree and was playing first violin in the Powder River Symphony Orchestra. I think it's this primal fear that my body was moving forward without my mind and my life was going to be gone and I wouldn't have done any of the great things I'd promised myself I would do. I realize now that 18 is really young to be having those fears, but they were very real. 22 was particularly traumatic. I was at college and I remember getting up, getting to school and thinking I was going to be okay, then breaking down on the greenroom couch and sitting there sobbing for probably 45 minutes while my then-boyfriend kindly, if rather awkwardly, sat with me patting my back and wondering what the heck was going on.

I didn't cry at 24 though.

There's a major reason that I didn't cry on my 24th. During the summer of 23, I told myself that enough was enough, and I was going to take 24 for me. That meant no more conforming to what I thought others wanted me to do, and I would do everything that I wanted to do. In that summer I managed to be in a show, dye my hair pink, work at a haunted house, get into an improv troupe, quit the stupid job I hated, and go back to school. Plans are slightly on hold due to lackage of money and car, but I'm changing that again. I've been working on a book and have a great job coming up in a few weeks. Life is good, and I'm starting to realize that if I move forward myself, it won't feel like life is passing me by.

Second, Mallory's fear that things will change. I'm not her, so I can't say exactly where this fear comes from, but I have an idea. As we get older she's seen Robert and I move out and run into a gamut of problems associated with life in general. She's also an athlete in a sport that favors younger athletes, so she most likely fears losing her ability to do what she loves. She's moved 3 times in the last 4 years with my parents, and mostly due to that she's lost a lot of her friends, who move on when she moves away. Having changes forced on you makes you fear change, and I think she would like to freeze time until everything feels under control. Nobody can do that though, thus the discussion.

Mallory is leaving in two weeks to go on a mission now, and I think this is her way of facing the fears. She has taken control and initiated the change in her life. I honestly was extremely surprised by her choice, but I applaud it. She's leaving a college gymnastic option and putting education on hold to serve the Lord, and I think to get control of life. Maybe in 18 months she and I will be having a different conversation. I hope so.

Life is about change. It's about moving up, moving on, getting older, learning, understanding, and choosing. I still fear getting older, but I'm managing to survive it. I hope to embrace it one day. Hopefully Mallory will too. I think she will, she's smarter and more mature than I am even now, so she probably won't take until 24 to realize that birthdays aren't for crying, but for celebrating the knowledge that has come with another year of growth, and the people that are there to share it with you.

Standing In The Fire

So, just some random thoughts from my head.

I was told tonight by a close friend that I'm really random sometimes. I replied, slightly stung, "Oh yeah! What makes you say that? I make perfect sense to me...." and she kindly pointed to a post I made a few months ago on Facebook that in its entirety reads: Superheros, heroes, homeless people, rocks. My stunning reply ended up being: "Oh yeah, armpit." Problem solved.

I guess the point is that the face we present isn't always the face that's perceived. For example, what I show the world is to me, funny, smart, shy, and a little awkward. Who's to say what everyone else perceives. For me, is it perhaps weird and a little interesting? I think it depends on the people who are doing the perceiving and against which color palette of life they are comparing you to. Good or bad? Maybe both, who's to really say.

So life moves along. When I turned 24 I promised myself I'd do everything I possibly could for me this year. I wouldn't wait for other's approval or try to shape my life around what others thought I should be doing. An unfortunate part of my personality is that I'm a people pleaser. It doesn't really work well for me, but makes other people like me. Or treat me like a door mat, a bit of everything I guess. I'm doing pretty good, still on my list of stuff to accomplish is: move out, get a job I like, work in the theatre, finish my book, and a few other more personal goals I'll decline to share. Getting there though :)

One last note because it's late and I need to go take my contacts out. (If I don't take them out before I get too tired I will fall asleep in an uncomfortable position, which is lately sideways on the bed with my dog on my feet and my computer on my stomach.) I heard this song again last night for the first time in probably 6-8 years, and it struck me in a way it hasn't for quite some time. Here are my favorite phrases from it. Enjoy and don't ride buses after 10pm, that's when the drunk people come out. 

We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk it the tables being turned

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all

They're so hell bent on giving, walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire

Life is not tried it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide standing outside the fire

Standing Outside the Fire by Garth Brooks