Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Relationship Advice: According to the Internet

When I have a question, I invariably turn to our favorite all-knowing pal, Google, to get it answered. Its the way things are done, and even if Google does fib on occasion (cotton ball fibers are NOT good for lengthening eyelashes), I still go back like an addict the next time I need a hit of information.

However, Google's relationship advice is some of the weirdest, most useless info that I have ever encountered. I blame Google instead if the various sites it spits out because Google is the one that leads me there. Sifting to page two is never an option, because Google becomes super- shady and weird the second you mix page two of the search results with relationship advice.

So, without further ado, I present to you Relationship Advice; According to Google. Cringe and enjoy.

If you want to attract a Man, wear perfume. Preferably lavender and pumpkin. Because those scents together make a guy sleepy and hungry for pumpkin pie. And everyone knows dousing yourself in weird smell combinations will disguise your penchant for eating garlic.

To be the most Romantic guy EVAR, make sure you surprise her. A lot. Like with a mariachi band. In the morning. To wake up to. What is more romantic than that?

If you want your guy to be passionate about you, wear the color Red. Because men are like bulls and will run at the color red indiscriminately. Who knows, if you wear enough red you may get men to actually run you over in the streets. Let's hope you have good medical insurance.

Women actually aren't afraid of aggression in men. Really? Whew, I was worried about that for a minute. Nice to know I'm actually not afraid of the Chris Brown types in this world, what I'm REALLY worried about is a man losing his masculinity and lots of other psychobabble that really means that I want guys to be MORE aggressive. Thanks, never would have known what I actually wanted without you telling me! How like a woman.

If you want to get your boyfriend to stop ignoring you and taking you for granted, start ignoring him. Really! Start ignoring phone calls, texts, never text him back in any reasonable length of time. Take a holiday without him for crying out loud. Definitely start texting and talking to your old flings, that'll go over really well and make him super jealous. Be busy and don't make time for him, that'll show him!

If you want your girlfriend to feel loved, buy her things and smile at her creepily! Everyone knows the way to a woman's heart is only by how much money you have, so buy her things. All the things. Even the stupid things, just make sure they are girly and kind of cute. This link even has the pictures, so enjoy! Oh, and also, don't be a man-whore and time your compliments. Only one every 30 minutes or so, or she'll think you've gone overboard. She might even be scared away when you combine it with your creepy smile. (Seriously, just click on this link for the illustrations, it'll teach you everything you need to know.)

Hope you enjoy, I'm kinda fed up with all the crazy relationship advice out there. If you really want some crazy stuff, wade through Yahoo's Answers pages, or go to Cosmo online. In my opinion, the best thing to do is to NOT listen to most of the advice online, but that's just my advice. Online.


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