After tonight it's time for a change.
I had to help a patient currently on my floor down to the ER, where her husband suddenly passed away, then help her back to her cold hospital room. After her loving and worried family members all left, I was the only one there to comfort her, finish tucking her in, and turn off the lights. Worrying I checked up on her all night, she slept fitfully but managed a little rest.
Let's not forget the other mother I celebrated with as her son finally was able to drink chocolate milk after bouts of nausea for two days. Traumatic brain injury, it's unlikely he'll fully recover, requiring her to care for him for the rest of his probably very long life.
Another patient screaming with pain because the doctors hadn't yet released her meds after surgery. All I could do was assure her I would keep coming back. After two hours of that I managed to get around the orders with the help of a very caring nurse and get her the relief she needed.
Five dirty briefs, countless bathroom visits, one explosive case of vomiting, bladder scans and a foley bag. Turns, re-positioning, drinks of water, and reassurance.
Humans can only take so much of that before we crack.
There were a few victories. Peaceful sleep for my surgery patient. A new patient reassured and comfortable in his room. Guiding family members to another person who was thrilled beyond words to see them. The sweetest little lady in the world thanking me profusely for simply helping her get ready for bed.
I've seen completely incapacitated patients relearn to walk, liver transplants people who now have a new lease on life. Stroke patients miraculously recover, and even an engagement on my floor between some of the best people I know here at the hospital.
There is good, and there is sunshine.
Unfortunately with the dragging workload and the constant battle to keep ahead of my patient's needs is wearing me down. Nights like tonight make me feel broken and fragile.
I'm getting ready for a new life, and while I love helping people, making a difference, it becomes clearer day by day that there is only so much I can do. Sometimes to take care of others you have to take care of yourself first. So....
I applied for a part-time radio job. I'm re-looking into scuba lessons. I'm applying for nursing school to take the next step forward. I'm returning to the haunted house I love with the man I love the most tomorrow. And I'm cutting back at work. Hours-wise. I can take the small hit in paycheck, and I need the time to become the best version of myself I can be.
The Lord asks you to do all you can in service to others, it's up to you to try and understand when that limit has been reached, when you can say it's been enough. Or in my case, I just need to give a little less.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Friday, July 31, 2015
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Why I'm Getting Married
I realize I have posted a lot of negative stuff recently about marriage and all the stuff that goes along with it. Comments, money spent, personalities changed, that sort of stuff. So, in light of all that, here's going to be a post about all the reasons I'm excited to get married! It's a buttery, mushy post, be warned.
Why I'm Getting Married (To Ricky, duh)
1. Automatic bed warmer
2. Permanent cuddle buddy
3. Immediate expansion of my movie collection
4. Someone who will take out the trash for me
5. Travel partner
6. Expansion in my taste in music
7. Someone to come home to at night
8. Adventures. Lots and lots of adventures
9. Important stuff, i.e. bedroom stuff
10. Automatic reason to get out of doing things you don't want to (Gerald would be home alone so...)
11. Someone to miss you when you're gone
12. Another opinion on house/yard decorating
13. Easier to achieve goals with them/automatic cheerleader
14. Someone to stay in shape for
15. Second family
16. A whole other person with experiences and likes and dislikes to force you to grow and experience new things with them
17. A reason to move to California
18. Date night buddy
19. Plus one for weddings. Always
20. Two incomes
21. Someone to fight with over stuff and you know they'll always come back to you
22. An unwilling but forced participant in your April Fool's day pranks
23. Bodyguard for going through haunted houses
24. Reason to watch all my favorite action movies
25. Whole other set of experiences to enjoy life with (for example, our family pictures will always be classy and gorgeous)
26. Inside jokes for everything!
27. Wuv, twooo wuv, wiw fowwow woo, fowevaa....
27. Wuv, twooo wuv, wiw fowwow woo, fowevaa....
28. Someone that you love, who loves you back, who is there for you and has your back, even when you're wrong.
Love you, honey <3
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
To Name, Or Not To Name
(Disclaimer: I thought for a long time about actually posting this blog. It's a wee bit controversial, especially in the U.S., and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I really wanted to explore the reasons behind name changes and what that meant for me with marriage. I hope this is a little bit enlightening for all 17 of my readers.)
One of the scariest parts of marriage for me is the fact that I am expected to give up my last name. All growing up I was informed that that's "just how it happened." The girl gives up her last name and takes her husband's. It always seemed weird to me, and kind of wrong, the woman having to give up some of her identity get married. I thought that hopefully I'd come around when I found someone I wanted to marry. Then I found out that some people, and not just celebrities or established business-persons, don't take the husband's last name. And to me, that was like a ray of sunlight.
There's lots of reasons to both keep or change your last name. The reasons for changing can be as simple as hating the name you grew up with, to seeing that changing it made you a family and brought you both closer together. The reasons for keeping a maiden name are surprisingly similar. To quote Elliot from Scrubs, "But...his name is Dudemeister. I'd be Mrs. Dudemeister....I don't think I could take it." Add to that a lot of women have spent a lot of time building a professional career for themselves and have degrees with their maiden name on it. All those years of schooling and work for a name that is now moot?
Here's some statistics for you. Per Women's Health magazine, only about 10% of married women in the U.S. have kept their birth names. Another 6% choose to hyphenate. When polled about changing their names, many women said they did it because that's what they thought was expected. Speaking of expected, according to a Men's Health poll in 2014, 96.3% of men said they would refuse to take the woman's last name, (hypocrite much?) and 63.3% would be upset if the woman kept her birth name. Reasons range from thinking that she didn't value the marriage, that she was putting herself first, to feeling like they were being emasculated. That him taking her last name would be unmanly, and her not taking his name would detract from his masculinity. Theme much? Cutting through it all, it seems to me that men either feel she wasn't putting the relationship first, or that she was trying to undercut his manliness. These are valid ideas, however I'm going to throw a little more knowledge into the mix.
In countries where English is spoken, it is common for the woman to assume the husband's name upon marriage. This started in the U.K., and now extends to America, Australia, Pakistan, Gibraltar, Falkland Islands, Ireland, India, the Philippines, and English-speaking parts of Canada. Canada is a different case though, because of French influences. In British Columbia and Quebec, and new rule went into play in 1981 that made it technically illegal for women to change their last name upon marriage. This simply means that they have to go through a legal name change, and not just view the marriage certificate as legal proof of a different name. Makes it more equal and all. But, these countries are the only ones where this is the norm. Laying on some more knowledge:
Women in Greece, the Netherlands, Italy and France are required to keep their birth names, in Greece and the Netherlands they can socially go by the husband's last name but officially keep their own last name.
Couples in Germany can adopt either name, there isn't a precedent for one or the other I found, they are working to make it more gender-equal.
In Japan couples have to pick one surname or the other. Typically the woman changes her last name, however if the wife's family is of higher status then the husband will take her last name.
In China and Korea the woman keeps her last name, as they view their names as handed down through tradition from their ancestors. The children typically inherit the husband's name.
So, if you consider the people who live in these countries, most women in the world don't change their last names. Asian countries typically have women keep their names due to heritage, and Western countries have been moving towards women keeping their names too. Countries that were heavily settled by England tend to expect women to change their names. How's that knowledge treating ya?
In light of all this, for some women it can be traumatic to change her name. Like I said, names describe who you are, hopefully you don't suddenly turn into a different person during marriage. Here's my personal opinion.
It's my name. It's been my name for years. My whole life in fact. It's something I'm proud of. In marriage, we are always told not to try and change the other person. Why change something so fundamental about your spouse, right from the get-go then?
Maybe I'm coming off as being fundamentally flawed, you know, like those people who argue that the Holocaust never happened and Anne Frank was a myth. But still, something about keeping the fundamental integrity of my name to myself kind of resonates with me.
I don't think all women should be required to keep their own name, nor do I think all women should be required to change it. I like the laws how they are, change them if you want, hyphenate if you want, change his name, or change both. The married couple should take a look at the business of last names and have a discussion on it, rather than just expecting that one or the other is going to happen. Plus, a marriage isn't based on names, despite what some people might argue. A marriage is based on thoughts and actions and words and deeds. My name doesn't detract from my commitment level.
For me, the jury is still out. I love my fiance, and his last name is fine. It would socially be easier, if more difficult professionally to make the change. I have 2 months until we go get that marriage certificate though, hopefully by then I'll have an answer.
P.S.
Men, I don't understand why so many of you are so dead set against even considering changing your last name. If nothing else, consider this. By getting married, you will live 3-5 years longer thanks to your wife. In comparison, getting married will shave 3-5 years OFF her life. Just consider it.
One of the scariest parts of marriage for me is the fact that I am expected to give up my last name. All growing up I was informed that that's "just how it happened." The girl gives up her last name and takes her husband's. It always seemed weird to me, and kind of wrong, the woman having to give up some of her identity get married. I thought that hopefully I'd come around when I found someone I wanted to marry. Then I found out that some people, and not just celebrities or established business-persons, don't take the husband's last name. And to me, that was like a ray of sunlight.
There's lots of reasons to both keep or change your last name. The reasons for changing can be as simple as hating the name you grew up with, to seeing that changing it made you a family and brought you both closer together. The reasons for keeping a maiden name are surprisingly similar. To quote Elliot from Scrubs, "But...his name is Dudemeister. I'd be Mrs. Dudemeister....I don't think I could take it." Add to that a lot of women have spent a lot of time building a professional career for themselves and have degrees with their maiden name on it. All those years of schooling and work for a name that is now moot?
Here's some statistics for you. Per Women's Health magazine, only about 10% of married women in the U.S. have kept their birth names. Another 6% choose to hyphenate. When polled about changing their names, many women said they did it because that's what they thought was expected. Speaking of expected, according to a Men's Health poll in 2014, 96.3% of men said they would refuse to take the woman's last name, (hypocrite much?) and 63.3% would be upset if the woman kept her birth name. Reasons range from thinking that she didn't value the marriage, that she was putting herself first, to feeling like they were being emasculated. That him taking her last name would be unmanly, and her not taking his name would detract from his masculinity. Theme much? Cutting through it all, it seems to me that men either feel she wasn't putting the relationship first, or that she was trying to undercut his manliness. These are valid ideas, however I'm going to throw a little more knowledge into the mix.
In countries where English is spoken, it is common for the woman to assume the husband's name upon marriage. This started in the U.K., and now extends to America, Australia, Pakistan, Gibraltar, Falkland Islands, Ireland, India, the Philippines, and English-speaking parts of Canada. Canada is a different case though, because of French influences. In British Columbia and Quebec, and new rule went into play in 1981 that made it technically illegal for women to change their last name upon marriage. This simply means that they have to go through a legal name change, and not just view the marriage certificate as legal proof of a different name. Makes it more equal and all. But, these countries are the only ones where this is the norm. Laying on some more knowledge:
Women in Greece, the Netherlands, Italy and France are required to keep their birth names, in Greece and the Netherlands they can socially go by the husband's last name but officially keep their own last name.
Couples in Germany can adopt either name, there isn't a precedent for one or the other I found, they are working to make it more gender-equal.
In Japan couples have to pick one surname or the other. Typically the woman changes her last name, however if the wife's family is of higher status then the husband will take her last name.
In China and Korea the woman keeps her last name, as they view their names as handed down through tradition from their ancestors. The children typically inherit the husband's name.
So, if you consider the people who live in these countries, most women in the world don't change their last names. Asian countries typically have women keep their names due to heritage, and Western countries have been moving towards women keeping their names too. Countries that were heavily settled by England tend to expect women to change their names. How's that knowledge treating ya?
In light of all this, for some women it can be traumatic to change her name. Like I said, names describe who you are, hopefully you don't suddenly turn into a different person during marriage. Here's my personal opinion.
It's my name. It's been my name for years. My whole life in fact. It's something I'm proud of. In marriage, we are always told not to try and change the other person. Why change something so fundamental about your spouse, right from the get-go then?
Maybe I'm coming off as being fundamentally flawed, you know, like those people who argue that the Holocaust never happened and Anne Frank was a myth. But still, something about keeping the fundamental integrity of my name to myself kind of resonates with me.
I don't think all women should be required to keep their own name, nor do I think all women should be required to change it. I like the laws how they are, change them if you want, hyphenate if you want, change his name, or change both. The married couple should take a look at the business of last names and have a discussion on it, rather than just expecting that one or the other is going to happen. Plus, a marriage isn't based on names, despite what some people might argue. A marriage is based on thoughts and actions and words and deeds. My name doesn't detract from my commitment level.
For me, the jury is still out. I love my fiance, and his last name is fine. It would socially be easier, if more difficult professionally to make the change. I have 2 months until we go get that marriage certificate though, hopefully by then I'll have an answer.
P.S.
Men, I don't understand why so many of you are so dead set against even considering changing your last name. If nothing else, consider this. By getting married, you will live 3-5 years longer thanks to your wife. In comparison, getting married will shave 3-5 years OFF her life. Just consider it.
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Of Mawwage and Mice, and also Advice
I thought I would share some gems of marriage advice I've gotten in the last two months. Some good and some bad, all of it kind of hilarious. Enjoy.
-Marriage is about vengeance. Sweet, sweet vengeance.
-Make sure that you let them know who's boss right away, and never let them forget it.
-Put a bunch of marbles in the freezer and when they're not waking up go get those marbles and toss them into the bed. They'll sink to the lowest point...namely their butt/side/face/warm parts.
-You're letting him pick what the groomsmen are wearing? How cute.
-Say something nice to them every single day, whether you feel like it or not.
-Make sure you get him to the doctors office every year, that way you know when he's going to die and you can help the process along.
-Support him and his dreams, don't crush them for a false sense of security. Be willing to take leaps with him and make sure that he'll support your dreams too.
-You think you're going to be sleeping in the same bed every night? You're so naive.
-Wake him up by running your fingers through his hair. It's really gentle and he'll love it.
-Find someone else to confide in, that way you don't annoy him with all your talking and ideas and complaints about life.
-You're going to get pregnant later this year right? Make sure he has a good job so he can support you and the baby.
-Name your first baby Stormageddon, then everyone will know how much of a Doctor Who fan you are.
Moral of the story, most people mean well, but everything should be taken with a grain of salt. Don't let people offend you, but instead think of the advice as a peek into their lives and mindsets. :)
-Marriage is about vengeance. Sweet, sweet vengeance.
-Make sure that you let them know who's boss right away, and never let them forget it.
-Put a bunch of marbles in the freezer and when they're not waking up go get those marbles and toss them into the bed. They'll sink to the lowest point...namely their butt/side/face/warm parts.
-You're letting him pick what the groomsmen are wearing? How cute.
-Say something nice to them every single day, whether you feel like it or not.
-Make sure you get him to the doctors office every year, that way you know when he's going to die and you can help the process along.
-Support him and his dreams, don't crush them for a false sense of security. Be willing to take leaps with him and make sure that he'll support your dreams too.
-You think you're going to be sleeping in the same bed every night? You're so naive.
-Wake him up by running your fingers through his hair. It's really gentle and he'll love it.
-Find someone else to confide in, that way you don't annoy him with all your talking and ideas and complaints about life.
-You're going to get pregnant later this year right? Make sure he has a good job so he can support you and the baby.
-Name your first baby Stormageddon, then everyone will know how much of a Doctor Who fan you are.
Moral of the story, most people mean well, but everything should be taken with a grain of salt. Don't let people offend you, but instead think of the advice as a peek into their lives and mindsets. :)
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Congrats, You're Engaged! Now Let's Tear That Down!
Here's part two of the previous blog. I have only been engaged for 6 weeks, and yet I've been exposed to some pretty terrible things people who should know better have said. Things people say to try and remind you how awful it is now that you're engaged to someone. Because, ya know, being engaged, the precursor to pledging to spend your life with someone is just so terrible and should be avoided at all costs.
So, this will probably be a mushy post, with a bit more aggressiveness than my last one. If you don't want mushy, go read about the war or something. Fair's fair though, I keep seeing all the passive aggressive posts where people whine about how everyone is getting engaged and having babies and how that's just TERRIBLE and ruining their day every time they see that. (The deeper question is, why? But that's another topic.) So, passive aggressiveness aside, here's some mushy aggressiveness about what you should really never say to engaged people. Because really, you're just trying to tear down their relationship. And that's meaner than kicking a kid's sandcastle.
You're going to have to marry that.
Well, yeah. Duh. That was kind of the whole point. Usually said when fiance does something funny or weird. This phrase tears down the person of your affections to a mere object, and that's not funny. I'm marrying a person, not a box of cereal. It also says that you're probably making a mistake, look how weird they are. I used to just laugh it off, but that's not ok anymore. Laughing it off is tantamount to agreeing with what that person just said. "Haha, yeah, I'm marrying that, poor me." Really though, what I've found works best is when you hear this phrase, you wrap your arms around your significant other, plant a big kiss on their face and say, "And I can't believe how lucky I am!" Usually people saying this are just trying to be funny, and I understand that for certain cases. Others of you though, should definitely know better.
We never get to hang out anymore, and I always feel like a third wheel.
Am I marrying you? No, get used to it. I really am trying to keep up my other relationships. I love friends, and I love going out and partying. Or at least having people over to watch movies. I know I always invite my fiance along. No he doesn't always come, but do you want me to purposely leave him out? He's my most favorite person in the whole world, so unless we specifically plan a girl's night. I'll be inviting him too. And because I'm a nice person, I'll bring along another third wheel for you to hang with. They'll even be funny and moderately good looking. This statement tries to make you feel guilty for wanting to spend time with your significant other. Why should you though? Why would I be marrying someone I didn't want to spend time with? So excuse me, but no, you can't separate us.
You're going to get all fat and have a baby.
Um, what? First off, that's none of your business. I'll get fat and have a baby if I want to. Second off, how dare you imply what you're implying. The deeper meaning behind this is that they speaker is saying, "You're going to get overweight and out of shape because you'll get married and stop caring about your appearance anymore, and then you'll have a baby and your life will be ruined." That's a pretty hurtful comment to say to someone. Babies don't ruin lives, lack of willpower and caring does. Marriage won't break my will to live. If anything, this new journey has inspired me to try and be even better. I work out more now, I've lost weight, I've taken more care with my appearance. And as far as babies go, that's still none of your business. Also, since when did my appearance become the only thing that was important to me?
You're engaged? Why'd you go and do that?
Because I wanted to, because I want to spend the rest of my life with this person to the degree that no one else measures up. This statement again implies that being engaged is not a good thing to do, that pledging to live your life with someone is akin to a ball and chain rather than a step towards freedom. Seriously, someone to always have your back, to bail you out if you need it, to cuddle with at night? Yep, why would anyone ever want to go and do that?
So there you have it. Getting engaged is a little scary, it's hard when people poke those fears so they come out from under a rock and bite you in the tush. It also forces you to face them, so perhaps these passively hurtful comments are for a greater good, ya know? Still, don't say them to my face. I'll karate-chop you with my words.
So, this will probably be a mushy post, with a bit more aggressiveness than my last one. If you don't want mushy, go read about the war or something. Fair's fair though, I keep seeing all the passive aggressive posts where people whine about how everyone is getting engaged and having babies and how that's just TERRIBLE and ruining their day every time they see that. (The deeper question is, why? But that's another topic.) So, passive aggressiveness aside, here's some mushy aggressiveness about what you should really never say to engaged people. Because really, you're just trying to tear down their relationship. And that's meaner than kicking a kid's sandcastle.
You're going to have to marry that.
Well, yeah. Duh. That was kind of the whole point. Usually said when fiance does something funny or weird. This phrase tears down the person of your affections to a mere object, and that's not funny. I'm marrying a person, not a box of cereal. It also says that you're probably making a mistake, look how weird they are. I used to just laugh it off, but that's not ok anymore. Laughing it off is tantamount to agreeing with what that person just said. "Haha, yeah, I'm marrying that, poor me." Really though, what I've found works best is when you hear this phrase, you wrap your arms around your significant other, plant a big kiss on their face and say, "And I can't believe how lucky I am!" Usually people saying this are just trying to be funny, and I understand that for certain cases. Others of you though, should definitely know better.
We never get to hang out anymore, and I always feel like a third wheel.
Am I marrying you? No, get used to it. I really am trying to keep up my other relationships. I love friends, and I love going out and partying. Or at least having people over to watch movies. I know I always invite my fiance along. No he doesn't always come, but do you want me to purposely leave him out? He's my most favorite person in the whole world, so unless we specifically plan a girl's night. I'll be inviting him too. And because I'm a nice person, I'll bring along another third wheel for you to hang with. They'll even be funny and moderately good looking. This statement tries to make you feel guilty for wanting to spend time with your significant other. Why should you though? Why would I be marrying someone I didn't want to spend time with? So excuse me, but no, you can't separate us.
You're going to get all fat and have a baby.
Um, what? First off, that's none of your business. I'll get fat and have a baby if I want to. Second off, how dare you imply what you're implying. The deeper meaning behind this is that they speaker is saying, "You're going to get overweight and out of shape because you'll get married and stop caring about your appearance anymore, and then you'll have a baby and your life will be ruined." That's a pretty hurtful comment to say to someone. Babies don't ruin lives, lack of willpower and caring does. Marriage won't break my will to live. If anything, this new journey has inspired me to try and be even better. I work out more now, I've lost weight, I've taken more care with my appearance. And as far as babies go, that's still none of your business. Also, since when did my appearance become the only thing that was important to me?
You're engaged? Why'd you go and do that?
Because I wanted to, because I want to spend the rest of my life with this person to the degree that no one else measures up. This statement again implies that being engaged is not a good thing to do, that pledging to live your life with someone is akin to a ball and chain rather than a step towards freedom. Seriously, someone to always have your back, to bail you out if you need it, to cuddle with at night? Yep, why would anyone ever want to go and do that?
So there you have it. Getting engaged is a little scary, it's hard when people poke those fears so they come out from under a rock and bite you in the tush. It also forces you to face them, so perhaps these passively hurtful comments are for a greater good, ya know? Still, don't say them to my face. I'll karate-chop you with my words.
Monday, May 4, 2015
How People (Don't) React When You Get Engaged
So, you just got engaged! All the butterflies and wonderfulness are overwhelming your soul! Or you knew it was coming and you're like, FINALLY! Regardless of how you feel, your friends and relations tend to act in oddly specific, if unusual ways. There are things you'll hear over and over again, and things you'll hear only once but you'll always remember.
1. But...you're so young!
Yes, you are. But only you know your maturity level and whether or not you're ready to give up on single life and create another adventure. For me, I've been steadily dating around for 10 years, and that's a lot more experience than many people have. After that much experience, I was ready to move on. There are these posts going around bemoaning women who get engaged in their 20's, and how getting married in your 30's is the only way to go. Sure. For that person, that WAS the only way to go. Think about it this way, you've picked the right one. Now, no more worrying about whether he does or doesn't like you and what you're going to do on date night with your friends. It's a cuddle buddy for Netflix, a workout partner, a motivator for your career, a human back massage machine, saved dinners when you slept in, someone to have your back when you can't buy groceries this month, someone to obsess over and spoil rotten, and a million other things. It's honestly a good way to help you get ahead in life from a purely mercenary standpoint, and aren't they always saying that the sooner you start your career, the better? Think of marriage as one of your careers, good on ya for figuring it out! Plus, no more weird strangers awkwardly groping at your butt at dances. That was never fun, admit it.
2. Haha, get ready to join the rest of us miserable married people!
This is most often heard from guys in their 30's. These guys often have a cynical nature, are married themselves but also work jobs they are unhappy with. They also give out nuggets of gold such as..."don't ever get married," and "kids ruined my dreams". Just recognize that these ones are infinitely unhappy with some procession of choices they made or haven't taken accountability for, and don't get mad. Arguing with them will only cause them to smirk and say, "yep, I was like that too....until I was married for 5 years. Wait and see how you feel THEN!" Just smile and say, "Yep, so excited for the misery!" If they were joking, then they'll laugh. If they were serious, then they'll laugh confusedly. Ha ha ha ha?
3. The love fades so enjoy it while it lasts!
Short Answer: The love will fade if you let it fade. It's a choice yes, but it's not a difficult one. Plus, that's a really rude thing to say. Imagine getting a new outfit and saying, "Look how cute this is!" and them saying, "you'll get fat so wear it while you can!" #rude. Don't let them worry you that you'll never be more in love then you are now. Being in love and getting married is like adding layers to the onion that is your love. The center gets deeper and more secure. I'm bad at similes, but basically, how you feel now is only a shadow of how you'll feel 25 years from now. If this is the right person, then you'll be even more in love and appreciative of this person who decided to share their life with you.
Long Answer: Once I was really mad at my then-boyfriend (now fiance). Like, so mad I didn't even want to see him or want him to touch me. He had no idea what was wrong, (something about me feeling ignored, not important now) but continued to gently sit by me and let me work through my anger. I remember looking at him, REALLY looking at him and thinking how cruel I was being, especially when he didn't even know what was wrong. I suddenly felt bad, so I reached out and lightly brushed his fingers. I was immediately overwhelmed by a wave of such tenderness and protectiveness that I got mad at myself! How could I be mad at this wonderful man who was just sitting there, trying to love me through my shell? It was a defining moment in realizing that no matter what, I always wanted to be on his side, even to protect him from me and my flaws. If I can remember that feeling, then I know I will ALWAYS love him, no matter what. And if that's how I can feel after just a year of dating, then think how much that could increase in a lifetime?
In my relationship, we've had to face a lot of misconceptions about each other due to well-meaning but meddling people, so the choice to stay together was just that, a choice. It was effortless once it was made, but love is like that. It's a choice and an option, not something that just happens but then wears away like the shiny on a new penny. Once you make that choice and open that door, then you basically have this huge castle of love with new doors and additions to explore, and it never stops growing. Like I said, I'm bad at similes, however...
"Love is an open doooooooooooooorrrrrrr!"
-Frozen
4. The engagement is/was the hardest part for us! We fought so much over details, and making it to the temple was practically a race!
I just want to laugh. Being engaged is already easier than the last year and a half (and a month two years ago) of dating ever was. For me, there's a solid certainty there. We can say things we were holding back, and most of them are simply about how much we love each other and what we're now excited to do and plan. Also farting/burping. It's not a free-for-all, but not such a scary concept to accidentally let one loose (or in my case, purposely try to shake the house foundations). Seriously though, throughout us dating, I was constantly looking at the relationship, analyzing what I would have to live with if/when we got married, and whether or not it was things I could live with. I don't think I've ever scrutinized a relationship more closely, most likely because I knew this one had lifetime potential. Now that I've decided and made the commitment though, it's like a huge weight is gone. No comparisons, no sudden realizations about how I've committed to living my life with someone who loves kittens or doesn't make their bed and how that could be a mistake. Those things have already been scrutinized and came up affirmative.
And as for the making it to the temple part, this is mostly for people who decided to wait until marriage to, how shall I say, consummate? This will be different for everyone, and hopefully it's difficult (duh, you want to be attracted to each other), but you're both on the same page so it's possible. Choose an engagement length you think you can manage, and try not to torture each other too much. (I may have already crossed that line by suggesting we schedule in a few hours between wedding and reception...but the look on his face was priceless!)
It's important for us, so we're going to wait, end of story. Yes, it's difficult. Yes, it's so frustrating that sometimes I just want to scream. And then go find a dark room with lots of candles and lure him there and 'accidentally' fall in a lake so I have nothing to wear....well, you get the picture. But, there are personal reasons that we've made this choice, not just religious ones. And because I believe in this so strongly and he believes this too, then we'll wait. When you both make a non-negotiable choice, then you stick with it. And I'm a big believer in the power of choices and using those to inform your actions.
5. One of you will get sick on your honeymoon. When your immune systems clash together majorly in that way and add it to the stress of the wedding... one of you will 'win' and the other will get sick.
One of the more bizarre things I've heard. Yet to find out if this is true, but here's a bit of advice on how to deal with these comments. Take them into considerations. Tell your fiance. Laugh. Forget, if you can. If not, just laugh.
It's probably true anyway, my fiance got sick after our first major saliva-swapping session, so my bet is that he'll be the one to get sick on the honeymoon too. *fingers crossed neither of us gets sick and that we're already used to each others 'cooties'!*
6. Congratulations! It's going to be the most magical time of your life!
Well, this is mostly true. It will be magical and fantastic. You get to dress up in a princess dress, have people give you gifts and fawn over you, and plan a magical party all about you! And it will be the most magical time of your life...up to that point. There will be better things, more exciting things, and so many more adventures to take. Imagine, if you will, going on a vacation and throwing a party where there's not so many cultural and familial expectations, and where you can not worry about pleasing a single one of those nutters. Those are the parties I really look forward to. If I want to spend $2000 on a dress in the future, then I will. Really though, this is a huge rite of passage, and it's not the end of the magic, but the beginning.
7. So...what's the wedding date?!
This one is well-meaning. For people who want to come support you, it'll be important so they know when to get off work. But take a deep breath and don't let them bowl you over with suggestions and craziness. My fiance got engaged on a Thursday, had a chance to go out that Saturday and we honestly just wanted to relax, and then didn't see each other for another week due to my work/finals/conference/new kitten that all collided. We simply didn't have time to discuss a wedding date, or anything else. You may want a chance to enjoy your engagement a bit more, that's good too.
8. When are you guys planning on having kids?
Whoa, too personal. Best response is..."we already have one, her name is Starscream! Yes, she's a cat. No, I don't understand your confusion." Or simply, "When we're ready!" That's super personal, on the level of asking, "When ya'll gonna be procreating?" No one should be asking that, so if they do, just have a snappy comeback memorized.
9. Do you think you're actually ready for this?
No, you're not ready. No one is. My fiance and I have a strategy. If we get overwhelmed or someone asks this question, we just throw up our hands and say, "Well I've never done this before so nope!" Good for a laugh and it's true, you're not ready for it. You never are ready for a huge change completely, but you will adapt and rise to the occasion. That's part of the excitement, don't you think?
1. But...you're so young!
Yes, you are. But only you know your maturity level and whether or not you're ready to give up on single life and create another adventure. For me, I've been steadily dating around for 10 years, and that's a lot more experience than many people have. After that much experience, I was ready to move on. There are these posts going around bemoaning women who get engaged in their 20's, and how getting married in your 30's is the only way to go. Sure. For that person, that WAS the only way to go. Think about it this way, you've picked the right one. Now, no more worrying about whether he does or doesn't like you and what you're going to do on date night with your friends. It's a cuddle buddy for Netflix, a workout partner, a motivator for your career, a human back massage machine, saved dinners when you slept in, someone to have your back when you can't buy groceries this month, someone to obsess over and spoil rotten, and a million other things. It's honestly a good way to help you get ahead in life from a purely mercenary standpoint, and aren't they always saying that the sooner you start your career, the better? Think of marriage as one of your careers, good on ya for figuring it out! Plus, no more weird strangers awkwardly groping at your butt at dances. That was never fun, admit it.
2. Haha, get ready to join the rest of us miserable married people!
This is most often heard from guys in their 30's. These guys often have a cynical nature, are married themselves but also work jobs they are unhappy with. They also give out nuggets of gold such as..."don't ever get married," and "kids ruined my dreams". Just recognize that these ones are infinitely unhappy with some procession of choices they made or haven't taken accountability for, and don't get mad. Arguing with them will only cause them to smirk and say, "yep, I was like that too....until I was married for 5 years. Wait and see how you feel THEN!" Just smile and say, "Yep, so excited for the misery!" If they were joking, then they'll laugh. If they were serious, then they'll laugh confusedly. Ha ha ha ha?
3. The love fades so enjoy it while it lasts!
Short Answer: The love will fade if you let it fade. It's a choice yes, but it's not a difficult one. Plus, that's a really rude thing to say. Imagine getting a new outfit and saying, "Look how cute this is!" and them saying, "you'll get fat so wear it while you can!" #rude. Don't let them worry you that you'll never be more in love then you are now. Being in love and getting married is like adding layers to the onion that is your love. The center gets deeper and more secure. I'm bad at similes, but basically, how you feel now is only a shadow of how you'll feel 25 years from now. If this is the right person, then you'll be even more in love and appreciative of this person who decided to share their life with you.
Long Answer: Once I was really mad at my then-boyfriend (now fiance). Like, so mad I didn't even want to see him or want him to touch me. He had no idea what was wrong, (something about me feeling ignored, not important now) but continued to gently sit by me and let me work through my anger. I remember looking at him, REALLY looking at him and thinking how cruel I was being, especially when he didn't even know what was wrong. I suddenly felt bad, so I reached out and lightly brushed his fingers. I was immediately overwhelmed by a wave of such tenderness and protectiveness that I got mad at myself! How could I be mad at this wonderful man who was just sitting there, trying to love me through my shell? It was a defining moment in realizing that no matter what, I always wanted to be on his side, even to protect him from me and my flaws. If I can remember that feeling, then I know I will ALWAYS love him, no matter what. And if that's how I can feel after just a year of dating, then think how much that could increase in a lifetime?
In my relationship, we've had to face a lot of misconceptions about each other due to well-meaning but meddling people, so the choice to stay together was just that, a choice. It was effortless once it was made, but love is like that. It's a choice and an option, not something that just happens but then wears away like the shiny on a new penny. Once you make that choice and open that door, then you basically have this huge castle of love with new doors and additions to explore, and it never stops growing. Like I said, I'm bad at similes, however...
"Love is an open doooooooooooooorrrrrrr!"
-Frozen
4. The engagement is/was the hardest part for us! We fought so much over details, and making it to the temple was practically a race!
I just want to laugh. Being engaged is already easier than the last year and a half (and a month two years ago) of dating ever was. For me, there's a solid certainty there. We can say things we were holding back, and most of them are simply about how much we love each other and what we're now excited to do and plan. Also farting/burping. It's not a free-for-all, but not such a scary concept to accidentally let one loose (or in my case, purposely try to shake the house foundations). Seriously though, throughout us dating, I was constantly looking at the relationship, analyzing what I would have to live with if/when we got married, and whether or not it was things I could live with. I don't think I've ever scrutinized a relationship more closely, most likely because I knew this one had lifetime potential. Now that I've decided and made the commitment though, it's like a huge weight is gone. No comparisons, no sudden realizations about how I've committed to living my life with someone who loves kittens or doesn't make their bed and how that could be a mistake. Those things have already been scrutinized and came up affirmative.
And as for the making it to the temple part, this is mostly for people who decided to wait until marriage to, how shall I say, consummate? This will be different for everyone, and hopefully it's difficult (duh, you want to be attracted to each other), but you're both on the same page so it's possible. Choose an engagement length you think you can manage, and try not to torture each other too much. (I may have already crossed that line by suggesting we schedule in a few hours between wedding and reception...but the look on his face was priceless!)
It's important for us, so we're going to wait, end of story. Yes, it's difficult. Yes, it's so frustrating that sometimes I just want to scream. And then go find a dark room with lots of candles and lure him there and 'accidentally' fall in a lake so I have nothing to wear....well, you get the picture. But, there are personal reasons that we've made this choice, not just religious ones. And because I believe in this so strongly and he believes this too, then we'll wait. When you both make a non-negotiable choice, then you stick with it. And I'm a big believer in the power of choices and using those to inform your actions.
5. One of you will get sick on your honeymoon. When your immune systems clash together majorly in that way and add it to the stress of the wedding... one of you will 'win' and the other will get sick.
One of the more bizarre things I've heard. Yet to find out if this is true, but here's a bit of advice on how to deal with these comments. Take them into considerations. Tell your fiance. Laugh. Forget, if you can. If not, just laugh.
It's probably true anyway, my fiance got sick after our first major saliva-swapping session, so my bet is that he'll be the one to get sick on the honeymoon too. *fingers crossed neither of us gets sick and that we're already used to each others 'cooties'!*
6. Congratulations! It's going to be the most magical time of your life!
Well, this is mostly true. It will be magical and fantastic. You get to dress up in a princess dress, have people give you gifts and fawn over you, and plan a magical party all about you! And it will be the most magical time of your life...up to that point. There will be better things, more exciting things, and so many more adventures to take. Imagine, if you will, going on a vacation and throwing a party where there's not so many cultural and familial expectations, and where you can not worry about pleasing a single one of those nutters. Those are the parties I really look forward to. If I want to spend $2000 on a dress in the future, then I will. Really though, this is a huge rite of passage, and it's not the end of the magic, but the beginning.
7. So...what's the wedding date?!
This one is well-meaning. For people who want to come support you, it'll be important so they know when to get off work. But take a deep breath and don't let them bowl you over with suggestions and craziness. My fiance got engaged on a Thursday, had a chance to go out that Saturday and we honestly just wanted to relax, and then didn't see each other for another week due to my work/finals/conference/new kitten that all collided. We simply didn't have time to discuss a wedding date, or anything else. You may want a chance to enjoy your engagement a bit more, that's good too.
8. When are you guys planning on having kids?
Whoa, too personal. Best response is..."we already have one, her name is Starscream! Yes, she's a cat. No, I don't understand your confusion." Or simply, "When we're ready!" That's super personal, on the level of asking, "When ya'll gonna be procreating?" No one should be asking that, so if they do, just have a snappy comeback memorized.
9. Do you think you're actually ready for this?
No, you're not ready. No one is. My fiance and I have a strategy. If we get overwhelmed or someone asks this question, we just throw up our hands and say, "Well I've never done this before so nope!" Good for a laugh and it's true, you're not ready for it. You never are ready for a huge change completely, but you will adapt and rise to the occasion. That's part of the excitement, don't you think?
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Random Questions
Random questions:
When is it appropriate to text someone you really like? All the time? If you happen to think of something clever? Never? Wait for them to text you first?
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If I ceased to exist, would my best friends meet and become best friends with each other instead?
What is the absolute inverse of having -$19 in your bank account?
How many nickels does it take to reach the moon?
Is it appropriate to randomly call your married siblings and scream, "Haha, SUCKA!" into the phone?
How many hours of tv does it take before your brain starts turning into grape jelly?
When do pieces of you cease to be part of you? Like, fingernails? Bits of hair? Voodoo dolls say those are still bits of you forever, but you don't feel or control those parts anymore. If you lose a whole limb you can't control it anymore, so is that technically a part of you?
Do you think it'll be possible in the future to put your head on a robot body and still function? Or do you need the heart and a few other organs to really BE you? (I'm guessing you still need some other key parts, like your endorphin gland and some other stuff to really feel like you, otherwise you just feel dead or whatever.)
If you stacked up all the books you've ever read, how far would that reach?
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What is the point of condensing every bit of information into little data bits that are then stored on servers and then destroying original paper bits of information if all our fears point to the server system eventually being destroyed by a zombie apocalypse or something?
Why do people read romance novels? I mean seriously, I'm a girl and still can't figure it out.
What do you feel is having a true human connection with someone? What does that even mean?
Feel free to answer any of these that strike your fancy, and good luck. I'm still trying to figure it all out.
When is it appropriate to text someone you really like? All the time? If you happen to think of something clever? Never? Wait for them to text you first?
If I ceased to exist, would my best friends meet and become best friends with each other instead?What is the absolute inverse of having -$19 in your bank account?
How many nickels does it take to reach the moon?
Is it appropriate to randomly call your married siblings and scream, "Haha, SUCKA!" into the phone?
How many hours of tv does it take before your brain starts turning into grape jelly?
When do pieces of you cease to be part of you? Like, fingernails? Bits of hair? Voodoo dolls say those are still bits of you forever, but you don't feel or control those parts anymore. If you lose a whole limb you can't control it anymore, so is that technically a part of you?
Do you think it'll be possible in the future to put your head on a robot body and still function? Or do you need the heart and a few other organs to really BE you? (I'm guessing you still need some other key parts, like your endorphin gland and some other stuff to really feel like you, otherwise you just feel dead or whatever.)
If you stacked up all the books you've ever read, how far would that reach?
What is the point of condensing every bit of information into little data bits that are then stored on servers and then destroying original paper bits of information if all our fears point to the server system eventually being destroyed by a zombie apocalypse or something?Why do people read romance novels? I mean seriously, I'm a girl and still can't figure it out.
What do you feel is having a true human connection with someone? What does that even mean?
Feel free to answer any of these that strike your fancy, and good luck. I'm still trying to figure it all out.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
The Lies Disney Taught Us
Disney Princesses, the backbone of the Disney marketing scheme. They are the icons that are marketed to millions of little girls as strong, beautiful, intelligent role models. But what do their stories really teach us? I grew up with the Disney princesses. However, in growing up there is unfortunately a cynical, logical side to these stories that comes to light. Let's look at what Disney teaches us.
All Disney Princess Movies, EVER
Princess has found her guy by age 16. Yep, you read that right, 16. In Tangled Rapunzel meets Flynn when she's 18, so they're marketing a little older at least, but 16? Really? That makes most of us old maids. At 24, I'm 8 years past that. So....what does that say? Not sure yet, but seems to be that if you don't find your dream guy young, you'll never find him. Don't think that's what we want to tell kids.
Princess gets the guy of her dreams. Didn't you notice that? Every single movie, the prince finds the princess and they both fall madly in love. At the end of the movie, the lead character is awarded their favorite love interest. You can apply this to regular movies too, just reverse it since almost every main character is male. That doesn't teach kids how to interact well, just to develop stalker-type crushes and then they'll be happy. Something tells me that's not how it works. I could be wrong though....Imagine me and you, I do. I think about you day and night, it's only ri-i-ight. To think about the girl I stalk, both day and night, so happy togetheeeerrrrrrr......"
Okay, let's examine two movies in particular, Beauty and the Beast and The Little Mermaid. I would do more, but then this blog would be too long and I'd lose half my readership (Yep, I'd lose half of the 10 :)
The Little Mermaid
All Disney Princess Movies, EVER
Princess has found her guy by age 16. Yep, you read that right, 16. In Tangled Rapunzel meets Flynn when she's 18, so they're marketing a little older at least, but 16? Really? That makes most of us old maids. At 24, I'm 8 years past that. So....what does that say? Not sure yet, but seems to be that if you don't find your dream guy young, you'll never find him. Don't think that's what we want to tell kids.
Princess gets the guy of her dreams. Didn't you notice that? Every single movie, the prince finds the princess and they both fall madly in love. At the end of the movie, the lead character is awarded their favorite love interest. You can apply this to regular movies too, just reverse it since almost every main character is male. That doesn't teach kids how to interact well, just to develop stalker-type crushes and then they'll be happy. Something tells me that's not how it works. I could be wrong though....Imagine me and you, I do. I think about you day and night, it's only ri-i-ight. To think about the girl I stalk, both day and night, so happy togetheeeerrrrrrr......"
Okay, let's examine two movies in particular, Beauty and the Beast and The Little Mermaid. I would do more, but then this blog would be too long and I'd lose half my readership (Yep, I'd lose half of the 10 :)
Beauty and the Beast
A wonderful story about a bullied, friendless girl who is held hostage by a terrible beast, develops Stockholm Syndrome, and proves that with love you can change a monster into a prince. Just think about that for a second there. The message seems to be, 'If I love them enough, they'll change for me." Well, that doesn't sound like every abusive relationship ever now does it?
This used to be one of my favorite stories, and I still love the music when I can turn off the cynical portion of my brain. However, I was in one such abusive relationship for a long time and those were my exact thoughts. "If I just show enough love, if I'm patient enough, kind enough, listen enough, whatever enough, then he'll change and things will be perfect." Life's lesson there is that people don't change. They really don't, unless the individual person wants to. That takes quite a bit of doing, so most people don't bother. Sure, the power of love and all that, but really, it's backwards to what happens in real life. So unless you want to teach the little girls that they just have to be perfect enough and whomever they're dating will love them, maybe we should keep this one locked in the vault. It might happen, but there are too many weirdos out there.
The Little Mermaid
This one's fun. A beautiful mermaid falls for a sailor that she rescues who just happens to be a prince. They fall in love, Ariel sells her voice to get legs and Eric is put under an evil spell but eventually they're together. Very nice story, if the villain is rather weird (I mean, who turns into a giant half-octopus the moment they get a ton of power? Wait....) Just don't ever read the original Hans Christian Anderson version though.
Another lesson we really shouldn't be teaching. Change everything about yourself, even your body shape, then you'll be able to get the guy you want. Right, plastic surgery all over again. Let's not forget the running away, abandoning family for some guy you pulled out of the ocean. Here's Florence Nightingale Effect for you, courtesy of Prince Eric.
Another lesson we really shouldn't be teaching. Change everything about yourself, even your body shape, then you'll be able to get the guy you want. Right, plastic surgery all over again. Let's not forget the running away, abandoning family for some guy you pulled out of the ocean. Here's Florence Nightingale Effect for you, courtesy of Prince Eric.
So anyway, there it is. Think twice when you watch the next Disney movie and make sure to live Happily Ever After!
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